(Closed) Is it me?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Struggling:  Only you can decide if you want to continue to live with someone who clearly doesnt want to get married. He made it plain by having an affair that he wasnt ready for marriage. Lots of peoples parents die, it doesnt give us the right to go out and have an affair with someone else.

Im not picking on your choices but why would you have another child without a clear cut idea of where your relationship is heading? Did you all talk about where the relationship was going after you got back together?

You could just tell him that you had an expectation of getting married, he knew this previously and that you are unhappy with the status quo of your relationship. If he isnt willing to budge then you have to decide if you want to continue in a relationship with someone who is unwilling to fulfill your desire for a stable home life with your children.

 

Post # 4
Member
2286 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Central Park

If marriage is really important to you then you need to have a long talk. Also, stop having his babies if he won’t commit to you. Why should he commit if you’re doing all the wifely things anyways? If marriage wasn’t important to you then it wouldn’t be a big deal, but it is and he is dismissing your feelings. 

Post # 5
Member
423 posts
Helper bee

So this man left you AND his daughter to have an affair? And you not only forgave him but had another child with him? Honey, I’m not saying you are wrong, but are you sure he is mature and reliable? That he will take full responsibility of you and his children?  Is this the right sort of home environment that you want your children to grow up in? Marriage is not essential for two people to stay committed to each other. The more important thing is, is your SO committed to you and your children? Only then can you go into the question of marriage with him. 

Post # 6
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Struggling:  I know it’s difficult since you now have two kids, but I really think that you’re selling yourself short. You don’t sound happy at all, and I don’t think relationships should be struggles. Yeah, marriage isn’t the be-all and end-all for some people, but if you’re on different pages, it’s not good. Personally if I had two kids with someone and they refused to marry me, I’d feel like it was a kick in the teeth!

I am not sure what to tell you… only you can decide if you want to stay in this situation. I would not have gone back after he cheated on me… with one of your friends. That’s just ridiculous.

Now that you have two kids though, you have to put them first. Does that mean staying with him because then they have a stable home life? Is the home life stable? Do you fight a lot? If you left, would you be able to support them financially? By not being married to their father, are you missing out on some financial/tax/insurance benefits? Only you can answer these questions.

I think the first step is to talk to him and really figure out why he doesn’t want to marry you. Does he see this as a temporary arrangement? That’s not fair on you or the kids. What will he tell them when they start asking why he won’t marry mommy?

Post # 7
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Honestly, you’re a lot more forgiving than I ever would have been under the circumstances!  It’s truly unfortunate that his father passed away and I’m sorry for his loss, but as another poster pointed out, the fact that he was having a hard time with his father’s passing did NOT give him a pass to cheat and hurt you and his little girl.  I’ve warned my husband multiple times that if he ever cheats on me, our marriage would be over, and I mean it.  I can’t imagine how much worse it would be if he cheated on me with a friend of mine, but I do know that I would never forgive either of them for as long as I lived.  Of course, it’s your decision and your prerogative whether to forgive him or not, but what is he doing to deserve your forgiveness?  You took him back and even had another child with him and he rewards you by depriving you of your dreams of getting married.  If he truly feels that marriage is only a piece of paper, then he should have no problem giving it to you since it clearly means nothing to him and everything to you!  He ought to be willing to make that one little sacrifice for you given how much you’ve already done for him.  I guess the question you’ll have to ask yourself is whether or not you’d be willing to stay with him if he won’t marry you, but in my opinion, he is wrong not to.

Post # 9
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Struggling:  OP, I’m really confused now.  It seems to me like you really are not happy with him.  I know that getting married is a big dream of yours, but I don’t think I’d want to get married under these circumstances…

My condolences on the loss of your father. 🙁

Post # 10
Member
6221 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

This is tough. You really don’t sound like your heart is in it… and it sounds like he’s just doing what is convenient for him without having to commit. I’m of the opinion that when you come here to ask, you already know the answer.

Post # 11
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I agree with what many of the other girls are saying.  You  need to let him know that to you marraige isn’t just a piece of paper.  And I hate to say it but if he doesn’t want to change his view you may need to split up and find someone who wants to marry you and be your husband.  if you don’t you will only find fights in your future. 🙁  Hope it all works out

Post # 12
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

This is a terrible thing to deal with and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please, you MUST stop bringing children into this situation. It sounds like you realize now this was a poor decision to make. Statistically your children would have a much better future if you had married their father before you had them. As it is your choices have set them up with a whole bunch of obstacles to success.

I know so many women in your position (multiple kids with a guy who is NOT interested in giving them what they need in terms of commitment and stability). It’s maddening to me and everyone around them who wants them to STOP making foolish choices and put their children first. The truth is these women make bad decisions because they have lousy self-esteem. They fall very much in love with guys who treat them poorly, because deep down these women believe that’s what they deserve.

They aren’t able to put their children first, because subconsciously they’re convinced they need to put their man first – their beloved “partner” who deigns from on high to be in a relationship with little, worthless women like them (this is the story these girls tell themselves).

You CAN change your choices going foward and start putting your kids first. You need to realize that you have worth and value and you deserve to be treated with decency. You deserve respect and commitment. You do NOT have to bear children for a man who won’t marry you. Going forward make it a rule to NEVER bear a child with or for a man who isn’t married to you. Stand up for yourself and what you want out of life!

You are right, life gives us challenges, but don’t make it any more challenging than it needs to be. You deserve more than this. Period.

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