Post # 1
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
I just need a reality check if I am overreacting….
At least once or twice a week my Fiance will go get drinks after work. I don’t normally have a problem with it, although it’s a little annoying when he comes home at 1am…Anyways, he comes home drunk and talkitive, saying how there were two girls that he talked to who were getting over their boyfriends. He talked to them to make them feel better about themselves, and gave one a kiss on both check – granted we are in Europe so it’s not that uncommon….
….but what I’m gutted about is that he felt the need to make two other girls feel good about themselves while leaving me at home. I just find the situation tricky, because I’m all for supporting you friends in a breakup, but he didn’t even know these chicks and felt the need to be there for them when they were vulnerable, and from the sounds of it they kinda latched on to him. Especially when you are in a relationship and helping someone of the opposite sex, I just feel like there should be some good space between yourself and the situation. As the women he is going to marry, I feel hurt where his priorities were. I think he was enjoying being the man for two emotionally vulnerable women, as opposed to putting that effort into our own relationship. I really doubt he would actually cheat on me, but it’s that emotional boudaries I feel was crossed.
It’s a little scary. We have been together for many years now, and I know I’ll never be able to provide the same excitment as when you meet someone new for the first time and flirt with them. Just tonight made me feel like I wasn’t enough. As much as I love him, I’m having cold feet now. I’m not sure how to feel about this.
Post # 3
Member
801 posts
Busy bee
um no. That would not be ok with me.
Reverse the situation, would HE be ok with it?
There’s your answer.
Post # 4
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
Yeah that kind of behavior would not fly with Fiance or me. Sorry but if your Fiance wants to spend time chatting up women in a bar until 1 am instead of being with you than his priorities are bass ackwards. Maybe you could try going to the bar with him sometimes?
Post # 5
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
I wouldn’t be ok with that if it was me.. I know every relationship is different and my Fiance hasn’t even been like that so it would really push my buttons. If when I met him he behaved that way and just was always there for people it might be a different story (I have a friend who is this.. he has 5 sisters so he is good at listening and talking to women about problems haha) but regardless it would irk me.
Post # 6
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
@natbug21: Not like it matters besides the imagery, but for what it’s worth it’s his coworkers who host a drinks night at their apartment, so it’s not quite the bar scene. I’ve gone with him a couple of times, but it’s not Fiance and I really talk to each during those things so if he just wants time with his friends I’m usually totally ok with it. It was just the late night of trying to be, IMO, overly emotionally supportive of other women. I mean, if I was the other women, I would turn my hurt from my exboyfriend and channel it towards Fiance. I’m uncomfortable with that.
Post # 7
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
@FeelingAlone: And you should be! I think you really need to talk with him and let him know that there needs to be boundaries respected in your relationship and if he can’t respect those than you need to reconsider if you really want to be with this person.
Post # 8
Member
867 posts
Busy bee
My husband and I have a rule that some may find oldfashioned. We don’t socialize with members of the opposite sex alone. It avoids problems like the one you’ve mentioned. I feel it is inappropriate for a married man (or soon-to-be married man) to be out alone with any woman who isn’t his wife.
That being said, I think the best advice is that which encourages communication. Men aren’t mindreaders, although sometimes we with they were!
Post # 9
Member
801 posts
Busy bee
@ViaMinorViator: I agree with you. While it is perfectly ok in group settings to talk with opposite sex, being out alone with the opposite sex is not ok (at least for me)
Post # 10
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
Would he be okay if you came home at 1am drunk after hanging out a bar with couple guys. It’s not okay and you have to make it clear to him, don’t let him make you feel that its just you, you “insecure” or “jealous”, it’s about RESPECT. Simple as that. Good luck.
Post # 11
Member
3218 posts
Sugar bee
Sorry but if my SO is out drinking late at night, he’d better be out with people he knows and having fun with his friends, not comforting some strangers when I’m at home missing him!
Do you feel like you don’t see him enough? Would it be different if he was hanging with guys? Would you be happier if you went with him?
Post # 12
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
@ViaMinorViator: That sounds like a really smart rule.
@FeelingAlone: Talk to him, let him know you’re mad and you feel uncomfortable with the situation, like PPs said reverse the situation and make him understand how wrong he was by doing that, wheter he thinks it was right or wrong what matters is that you don’t feel comfortable with the situation and he shouldn’t be making you feel this way.
Post # 13
Member
2582 posts
Sugar bee
well – I guess I’ll be the dissenter – sort of.
If he told you about this – not like you finding out about it from a 3rd party or seeing an email – but him actually volunteering this information to you, he’s clearly not trying to hide anything, so this is a case where he is doing something iffy, but probably doesn’t realize it (if he realized he was crossing boundaries, he probbbbbbably wouldn’t have volunteered this information to you – but I can’t say that for sure since I dont know him).
Everyone has a desire to flirt a little – no matter if they are married or engaged – humans like feeling desired and getting positive attention, and it seems like he’s doing this with girls who are more likely to say things like “awww your fiance is so lucky to have such a good guy” – and make him feel good.
So – to answer your question. Are you over reacting? It depends on how you’re reacting.
If you are freaking out, yelling at him, making accusatory comments about him or those girls, threatening to call off the wedding, etc. … than yes, I’d say you’re overreacting.
If you are being calm, rational, and plan to sit down with him to have a constructive conversation about where your boundaries are and telling him you guys need to work out a compromise that you’re both comfortable with … than no, you’re not overreacting at all.
Post # 14
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee
Yes, that would bother me. Big time! Have you talked to him about how you feel? Could be beneficial to set some boundaries around what you feel comfortable with when he is out having drinks. Maybe he doesn’t see anything wrong with it and has no idea that you are hurt by this.
Post # 15
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
That would bother me, but unless you’ve told him how you feel or this has come up in the past, I wouldn’t let it worry you. Talk to him, let him know it bothers you, and if he respects your feelings about it and doesn’t do it again, no problem.
Post # 16
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
I think it would probably bother me. Did he know them at all or were they just random girls? It would be ok if they were close-ish friends I think. I think it seems pretty innocent because he came home and told you so he obviously didn’t feel wierd about it, but I would still feel badly about it.