Post # 1
One of my bridesmaids is my oldest friend, lets call her Sue. I’ve known her since I was five. I love her but we’re very different people and have become even more different as we’ve grown older to the point where I think if I met her now I’d give her a wide berth! All that said, I respect our differences and she was my first choice as a bridesmaid and was super excited to be asked. But so far…
1. I tried to arrange a day where all the bridesmaids and ushers could go and view our venue. Everyone could do Saturday 4th (of whatever month it was) apart from Sue who said she might be able to come but it would depend as it was her sister’s birthday on the 5th and they might be doing something on the Saturday for it. Fair enough. I heard nothing from her about it for a few days but I thought it was probably likely that she would be busy with her sister’s bday on the 4th so a rearranged the venue viewing for the Saturday after (11th). I texted everyone the new date and what did she reply? “Oh, I can’t do the 11th as I’m getting my hair done but I could have done the 4th because my sister isn’t do anything for her birthday”. Ok. I thought if she really wanted to see the venue she could’ve changed her hair appointment (venue is only 30mins away from where we live) but I told myself that my wedding is not the centre of other people’s universe!
2. She hadn’t asked me anything about my wedding for months when last week she emails me a HUGE list of questions from what am I doing about her make-up to what am I doing about her jewellery. I made it clear from the start that I was only paying for dresses and when it came to hair/shoes/etc I wasn’t too fussed what people did as I’d rather them be comfortable with how they looked on the day than force my ideas on them. I replied saying I hadn’t quite thought about bridesmaid related elements in that much detail yet but perhaps we could all get together and discuss it as a group. I texted my other bridesmaids and arranged a get together for Monday evening. She texted me Monday afternoon to say she couldn’t come.
3. On the make-up front, I told Sue I was going to a Mac counter at our local department store for a bridal make-up trial. She said that was her favourite make-up brand and she would love a trial so could she come with me. Sure, I said, but told her I needed to go within the next couple of weeks. She said, and I quote, “Just name the date and I’ll be there!!”. I said, “Can we go Saturday as that would work best for me?”. What did she reply? “No, I can’t do this Saturday”. YOU JUST SAID NAME THE DATE!!! I bit my tounge and asked her for a list of dates she could do. She said she could do the 5th, 19th and 26th. I rang the MAC counter and made an appointment for the 19th. I texted her to say appointment made. The reply? “Sorry, I can’t do the 19th, I have a hair appointment’. ARRGGGHHHHH!!!!!
Tell me I’m not mad?? Her behaviour is pretty unreasonable, right??
Post # 3
She must have perfect hair. Yeah it is odd that she is avoiding everything. Next time ask her to name a date.
Post # 4
Actually she did ask her to name a date and Sue named 3 dates. “I bit my tounge and asked her for a list of dates she could do. She said she could do the 5th, 19th and 26th. I rang the MAC counter and made an appointment for the 19th.”
She sounds a bit flaky to me. As Atalanta mentioned, she seems to have a lot of hair appointments. It kind of reminds me of the stories of excuses that ladies have given for not wanting to go on a date without hurting someone’s feelings i.e. “Sorry, I can’t go on tuesday, I’ll be washing my hair”
Post # 5
no I mean like say one date and a time, so sue makes it definite instead of the other way around.
Post # 6
Yeah that could work, but then again, I’d be in the op’s shoes thinking that her giving 3 days she was available meant that she *was* available. >.<
Post # 7
Wow that is just ridiculous… you are totally right. I hate when people are so flaky! This is probably going to be my story about 2 of my BM’s in a few months lol. I really hope you can get it all figured out though 🙁
Post # 8
I was thinking the same thing, she must have really awesome hair if she’s always getting it done and it takes all day that she can’t do anytihng before and after. Sounds to me like she’s not really interested in being involved with the wedding, sorry if that hard to hear- doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you, just sounds like she’s a bit selfish. Maybe you should just continue offering her to come with for things and she can choose whether or not she wants to. If its something she needs to know, update her, if not just write it off. Good luck!
Post # 9
I find it weird because she’s so super super organised. I’m usually the one who forgets/double books although I can safely say I’ve never done that to her.
Should I confront her? Ask that she changes her hair appointment. She is quite anal about her hair though!!
I have a couple of theories about why she’s being like this. She is also engaged – her wedding is 2 years after mine but she got engaged a year before me so not sure if she’s a bit jealous that I’m getting my big day first. Even if she is jealous she’s never been the type of person to be so petty.
Second theory is that she’s a bit of a busy body and probably wants to be more involved in my wedding than she currently is. When I started planning I changed my mind every 5 minutes as to the type of day I wanted/dress/colours/etc. I think this drove her mad because she’s had her wedding planned since she was about 7 and knows exactly want she wants. So I stopped telling everyone my ideas because I was conscious ofhow indecisive I was being so not sure if she felt a bit exculded. I did apologise for this recently but she didn’t really pick up on my apology so, I dunno?
Also – my photographer is coming in from out of town so I need to put her up in a local hotel. Sue told me she knows the owner of the local hotel and said she would help me sort out a room. She even said she’d get me a discount. Anyway we left it for a month or so but then I texted asking if she could help me get it organised asap. She IGNORED my texts! I sent about 5 just to make sure. I then sent her a Facebook message and all she said was “Ask my Fiance about it, he knows the hotel owner”. I don’t know her Fiance that well to just facebook him and ask him to sort me a hotel room, plus she offered to help with it in first place!!!
I get to be her bridesmaid – I’m SOOOO tempted to be an uber pain in revenge!!
Post # 10
I SOOOOO have to reply to this! I am having the same exact problem with one of my bridesmaids!!!! This might be long, and I appologize in advance 😛
Okay, so I asked one of my good friends of 3 years to be my bridesmaid, and I asked her right after I got engaged. Of course she said yes and that she would love to. At first she was down to go with me places and talk to me about planning, but it’s all different now. I’m getting married in 8 months, and I don’t even talk to her anymore! Reason being, we had gotten into a bad argument because she was late all the time. She wasn’t just 10 minutes late either, but every time we hung out she wouldn’t show up till a half hour to an hour later! So the last time she kept me waiting, which had been 2 hours!!! I gave up. I left and had called and told her that I was upset. And of course, she had an excuse like every other time she was late, and it just sickened me. It’s ridiculous!
But we made up and appologized to each other and decided to squash the whole thing, or so I thought. She never calls me, doesn’t reply to my emails, doesn’t return my calls, and when I call her to make plans, she flakes at the last minute and makes up some excuse. We’ve only hung out once since the fight, and that was 3 months ago. The last two times I’ve tried making plans she used the same exact excuse which was “Oh, my cousin has a baby shower”. Yeah, B.S. Didn’t believe it one bit, not the second time anyway. So that being said, I emailed her asking if she still wants to be a bridesmaid, because I needed to know now. She said of course! and that I could count on her.
Well, I still don’t understand what gives! I can tell she’s still holding a grudge against me and it’s really upsetting. Not to mention her boyfriend is ignorant and seems to be controlling as well. I think that he’s definitely changed her because we used to talk every single day and hang out every single weekend, and that stopped a few months after they got together. Ugh!
But anyway, I definitely relate and I know how it feels. It sucks and I’m truly sorry you have to experience this. 🙁 I wish you the best and hopefully she comes through and gets her act together, it’s not fun at all and definitely hurts.
Post # 11
ya she is being a pain. i read so many stories on here and had some issues with my BMs when i first got into planning that i decided to not include them. it made things a lot easier and i think we are all happier that way. since i am living out of town they cant be involved with too much anyway. but i decided i want to ask people who care about the little things so i got on the weddingbee wagon and then it turns out my new work friends are always excited to hear about wedding stuff and give opinions, come with me to dress appts. etc. so i have them as my ” local BMs!” they arent even coming to the wedding, but i am planning to get them all a gift in Jamaica (there is 3 of them, i figure rum will make them happy).
anyway, in your case, i would just leave Sue alone. do your things you need to do and dont rely on her. do your makeup trial with someone who is reliable. take care of the hotel yourself and just make sure she orders her dress.
Post # 12
basically my motto is that you can’t control your environment or rather the people in it, but you can control your own actions and reactions. so i see no point in stressing over somethng you cant change.
Post # 13
It sounds to me like your Bridesmaid or Best Man is jealous. No one acts that flakey unless they have some kind of personal beef. Even if you didn’t actually do anything to make her act this way, it sounds like she just wishes she can have her wedding now and it makes her feel envious that you get to have your big day ahead of her.
You should just go ahead with your plans and let her know what she’s expected to do and be done with it. If she doesn’t want to show up to stuff, that’s her problem.
Post # 14
Thanks for the advice everyone and sort of nice to know I’m not alone!!
I think I will just leave her to it – I have enough to do without falling out with one of my bridesmaids. Only problem is that my bsmaids dresses are being made by a family friend so will have to communicate with her to get her dress fittings.
It just seems so hit and miss – the other week she asked me for a swatch of fabric from the bsmaid dresses so she could match her fake tan to it! And after we decided as a group that there was no point getting matching bsmaid shoes as everyone wanted different heel heights she spent a whole week emailing us all shoes she had found. I don’t get it!!!
Post # 15
So this is her behaviour?:
– ignoring your texts and conversation
– cancelling dates to appointments by just not showing up or saying she can’t come the day of
– not helping with your wedding.
I think Bridesmaid or Best Man either thinks she is so important that she can do this to you or just has “her nose out of joint” about something; either way, she is CHOOSING her behaviour and therefore is accountable for it. Sounds like she isn’t going to change her behaviour either, maybe have one of the other BM’s have a chat with her about how her behaviour is affecting THEM, that way it’s not coming from you and the behaviour is dealt with.
Post # 16
Is there any special reason why you want them to view your venue?