Post # 1
Been married a couple years now, Im a stay at home mom of have a 1 year old. Planning on trying for number 2 baby but I’m terrified because husband doesn’t help much. He works 40 hours a week. Makes decent monet so I can stay home with baby. But I get tired so sometimes happy to see hubby after work to help. My husband gets inconvenienced when I ask for help with baby, and when he helps it’s usually timed, keeps asking if I’m done. If I ask for help I have to “plan” and let him know so he can make time around it (after work hours). If there is a plan I have to wait first for him to get done with other stuff (not work related). Hes hardly home, mostly alone with baby. Hes home late, eats then sleeps. Recently I needed a shower bad so told him to watch baby, he said he couldnt, to figure it out like a single moms. They do it without help all the time. I cant depend on him all the time, he’s busy. He hardly ever changes a diaper, feeds her, plays with her, never bathes her. I’ve asked for help but I feel he makes up anything to say he’s busy. Recently we had a huge argument, telling him Im fed up, he calls his mom because he said I was in no condition to care for our daughter. I vent to his mom and she asks if maybe Im depressed. What!!! Really. I was exhaustwd that I gave up, let it go. His mom told him to help out more, thats it. Is he home now, no. Here again alone. How am I going to have a 2nd child if he can’t help with this one. Am I asking for too much???
Post # 2
- Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium
Um… That’s fucked up. it’s not normal or okay for him to spend no time with his daughter (or you!). SAHM or not, you need time to yourself. My DD is nine months, and DH sleeps in on Saturdays and I sleep in on Sundays. I make them breakfast, and they eat together during the week while I shower. You and your husband are a team. I wouldn’t dare pull the goaly again until he realizes that.
Post # 3
- Wedding: February 2015 - Mount Hermon
SamanthaLovesJames: I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. He needs to be helping. And pulling out the “single moms do it” card is totally unfair. You are not a single mom, you are in theory half of a team. I suggest sitting him down and having a serious talk, and if he’s still unwilling to bend, couples counseling can really help.
Yeah, and don’t try for a second one until you can rely on him now. Otherwise you’ll feel so overwhelmed and miserable. Also, if this continues, you could very well grow to resent him, and that’s not at all healthy.
Post # 4
SamanthaLovesJames: I don’t think you’re asking for too much at all. I think that he has the misconception that because you stay at home, you should have all the time in the world which ofcourse is completely false.
I think you may need to change your approach (although he is the one that needs to change, i don’t think he will, so i think the only way you’ll get the fix that you’re after is to take action).
When he returns from work, let him rest for a litle bit (30 minutes). Then simply hand him baby and firmly but politely say “I am going to have a shower” and walk away. Don’t ask, complain, whinge anything, that’s all you have to say. Take your time to have a good shower, relax and return and take baby off of him.
If you need him to mind baby because you have to duck to the grocery store. Get ready, grab your keys. Hand him baby and simply say “I am going to the grocery store, i will return in 15 minutes” and leave.
Post # 5
SamanthaLovesJames: (((hugs))) I remember you from posting before. What do you mean by he is not home now – is he out socialising?
What is this “not work related” stuff he does? He needs to understand that he is a father now, everything else takes second priority (as it does for you).
“to figure it out like single moms” WHAT THE HECK??
It really needs to be spelt out to him that after work hours, caring for baby needs to be shared pretty well equally. I guess one option is to save yourself some work by refusing to do any chores for him (cooking, his laundry etc). Also look at getting back in the workforce rather than trying for a second baby, forcing him to help. I’m all in support of SAHMs (I was one myself), but not when they’re treated the way you are.
Post # 6
SamanthaLovesJames: Sorry you are in this position. It is not right and he should be helping more. Yes, he has a job. But caring for a child is also a job too. Why is it ok for him to work 40 hours a week and expect you to work 24/7? It isn’t fair and it isn’t right.
He helped bring your child into the world, it’s only fair that he helps raise her. And by raising her, that means helping with the good, the bad and the ugly.
Does he want a second child or is more so you? Either way, I would seriously reconsider having another child with him. His behavior is very unlikely to change, but I can almost garauntee that caring for two children will be harder than caring for one child. Your life will not get easier, especially if he doesn’t help.
Past behavior is very indicative of future behavior. Trust your instincts, but I would have some serious conversations and expect some dramatic changes in behavior before ever considering having another child with him.
Post # 7
Ok. So I had my husband read this. He and I both think you are completely right to want help. This is not just your child. You are NOT a single mother. That comment really irked me. He is a parent too. He needs to man up and help you take care of the kids. Children need their dads to be involved in their lives just as much as their moms.
Post # 8
- Wedding: Either Philadelphia City Hall or a small chapel.
I don’t mean to pry more into your business…but, how is your relationship overall? It sounds like me he is pulling away and that counseling is needed to get to the root of things.
Post # 9
The non work related stuff is helping others, clean gutters, fix handy work stuff, he’s really good at it so family friends call him. And stay to have a beer which turns into 2 then comes home late. He loves time with his friends. I have to call him to remind him to get home, loses track of time.
Post # 10
When I married him, I didn’t know it will be like this when we had our first kid. Feeling dissapointed 🙁 Is this normal?
Post # 11
I would not have a second child at this time. On the other hand, I’d have been bitchy enough to reply that I could very well figure it out as a single mom, so he’d better step up unless that’s what he wanted.
Post # 12
SamanthaLovesJames: That is so wrong! His priorities are totally out of whack. His first priority is you, not his friends. I want to jump through the screen and scream at him.
Are these your friends too? Is it possible for you to call the friends and tell them he’s not available and/or needs to come home? (Especially if you can talk to the wife). Do you have a second car? Are you able to drive around there? Normally I wouldn’t advocate this but after a year of this you need to take desperate measures.
Finally, I might be getting you mixed up with another poster, but are you in a church? If so, a talk to the pastor might help.
Post # 13
MissFormaldehyde: It was great but changed when we had baby.
Post # 14
That would not fly with me. I have told my husband over and over that with our baby, he will help just as much as I do. We will both be working, so it will be slightly different, but I think it is reprehensible when men do not help with childcare. I would tell your husband that you need his help to ensure that your daughter has the best life possible. Two parent households have, in general, the best results for kids’ growth and quality of life (I am pretty sure this is true).
Do you have anyone in your area that you can rely on?
Post # 15
SamanthaLovesJames: Not only is his behaviour detrimental to your well-being and your relationship, it’s going to be very damaging to your daughter if he continues this way. She needs to grow up knowing that she is his priority and that he wants to be with her, to care for her, to feed her, to clean her and generally to bond with her.
He might work 40 hours a week but you’re also working those hours, so once you’re home together, the chores and responsibilities that fall within that time should be shared. Once you have a child, you simply don’t get the down time you had before kids, that’s just how it is. His attitude of ‘figure it out, that’s what single mums have to do’ blows my mind.. That sh*t would never fly with me.
Lay down the law very clearly and go to couples therapy. You are not overreacting, you deserve more from him for your yourself and for your daughter. He needs to step up BIG time.