(Closed) Is it me who's wrong? Dad doesn't help with baby…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
3061 posts
Sugar bee

SamanthaLovesJames: It definitely doesn’t sound fair.

You say your relationship changed when you had a baby.. that isn’t enitirely uncommon but it does sound as though yours may be more drastic? He sounds pretty sexist – is he like this in other areas besides child care? Was parenting styles ever discussed previously? Was he on-board before to help out and his enthuiasm slowly faded? 

 

Post # 18
Member
3860 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I just let my husband read your post. This is what he said, “are you f***ing kidding me? That’s bullshit. Come on…. That’s BS! he needs to be a man!.”

Post # 19
Member
11585 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

SamanthaLovesJames:  this is common,but not normal or acceptable. I’m sorry to say your Darling Husband is not being a man. It seems like he enjoys being the hero for everyone else, but leaves his own family stranded. Real men/ grown ups put Their family as a priority. 

second child to a man who insists you behave like a single mom? No. 

Post # 20
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You are not wrong!! His behavior would seriously disturb me and I definitely wouldnt have a second with him. He is a father, not just a provider of income. Basically he wants his life to remain virtually unchanged since before the baby. Well guess what asshole, you’re a father now!! Sorry, I’m disgusted on your behalf. Sure he can have time to socialize, as can you, but this in an unhealthy balance right now and he and your child are missing out on an opportunity to bond. I’m so sorry. I hope he shapes up!

Post # 22
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

SamanthaLovesJames:  Also, my father was absent (married, but out partying, doing his own thing, never changed a diaper or put his children to bed) for much of my older sisters’ childhoods (I’m the youngest) and he has apologized so many times to my sisters. He shaped up eventually, but my mom had to separate from him for a year (when my sisters were 7 and 4) for him to slowly wake up. Now that he has grandchildren, he realizes just how much he missed. Thankfully my family has gotten closer over the years, but he can never get that time back.

Post # 24
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

SamanthaLovesJames:  you need to be careful. I don’t like that he’s tag teaming you with his mommy. They’re accusing you of being mentally ill, just for speaking up. 

I’d be very careful if I was you. Gas lighting is a first step toward abuse.

Post # 25
Member
589 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

SamanthaLovesJames:  I would not be having a second child if he is barely helping with baby #1. I do believe as a Stay-At-Home Mom it’s your job to do baby related stuff during work hours and mostly overnight (since he has to get up for work in the morning at a certain time). BUT evenings should be shared duty – afterall he gets a break from work so why shouldn’t you? It’s his child too, I’d put my foot down on him helping out, I can’t believe he won’t even watch the baby while you shower? That’s insane! 

Post # 27
Member
601 posts
Busy bee

Your husband is a dick. 

Post # 28
Member
2774 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I would never have a second child with a man who insisted I deal with it as if I were a single mom. In fact, please go back to work! For your sake (and that of your child) you will probably need to be financially independent sometime in the near future. When he asks why you’re thinking of going back to work you say “because you’re not doing your share with our child or the house so we’re headed straight down the road to a divorce.” Then you sit down and add all of the costs that you expect will now become shared (daycare, babysitting, overnight nurse, everything). Then you say “this is what I was doing for free 24/7; now we need to pay several people to do the same work.” 

OR you say “you will deposit X amount of money into my bank account -not the joint one- every month AS IF YOU WERE PAYING CHILD SUPPORT. Lots of men do it and survive.” Then you actually do pay someone (a nanny, daycare facility, etc) so you can have some time for yourself and go to work.

This is actually common but very, very wrong. This road leads to resentment, bitterness and a very dependent situation on your side that you really don’t want!

Post # 30
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Putting aside the “work” part of having a baby (bathing, feeding etc) – does he spend time with her at all? Because it really sounds like he doesn’t. Are we sure that HE doesn’t have post partum? Men can get it too. It doesn’t sound like he has a conntection with his child at all. If he did, he would be rushing home to spend time with her. 

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