(Closed) Is it me who's wrong? Dad doesn't help with baby…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
2969 posts
Sugar bee

SamanthaLovesJames:  

Please note that I do not agree with 1inthechamber at all.   

My daughter is now 18 but I remember her first year.  It was very rewarding and very hard work.  Anyone who thinks that looking after a small child isn’t hard work isn’t trying enough.

Why is it so much hard work?  It is because you are responsible for another human being every moment of the day.  Small children need everything done for them at all times of day and have no sense of timing.  After a few months of this people get tired.  However a small break just to be oneself now and again makes so much difference.  A 20 minute break and the batteries are recharged for a day.  An hour’s break and you are set up with extra energy for a week..  An evening with a friend and you are set up with extra energy for a month.  This is reality.  

There are lots of single parents who do a fantastic job.  Some of them manage it alone and others have a support network of friends and family.  Some have an easy child who sleeps through the night.  Others have a child who ‘parties’ all night.

Not every parent is the same and not every child is the same.  So I have sympathy with every mother.

Ideally a child has both men and women in their lives.  Single parents and single sex couples are usually aware of this and may have a relative or friend who provides the extra gender role.

In the case of a heterosexual married couple both parents need to provide love and care for their child.  You are right to be upset at your husband’s lack of involvement.  However hard he works his real job is being a father and he needs to spend as much time with his child as possible.  This is because it isn’t enough to just provide material goods or even food and clothing.  Both parents need to provide love, attention and time.

I think that your husband is not pulling his weight as a father or as a husband.  He needs to take care of you financially and emotionally before helping his friends and relations.  He needs to spend the time he is not working in supporting you and getting to know your child.

 

Post # 48
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’d love to know why no one else is touching on the fact that this guy called his mommy because he felt OP wasn’t in a right frame of mind to take care of the baby, and in turn his mother accused OP of being depressed. All of this stemmed from her asking her husband for help.

How is no one else noticing this? Seriously? This is a start to a dangerous game. I was hoping someone besides me would pick that up…

Post # 49
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

SamanthaLovesJames:  Second child sounds like a REALLY bad idea right now! Sounds like my brother to quote ‘baby is a toy for a woman to play with’. I mean I would expenct my Fiance to feed and bathe the baby and definitly watch the baby if I need a shower for Pete’s sake.

I can totally understand if he is tired, etc and seeing baby as a womans ‘job’ but I mean some basic father-baby time would not harm anyone.

And for example when i worked longer hours than Fiance he would cook and clean, because he was home first. In this case YOU are working longer hours so also deserve a break.

 

I am afraid you will totally crack if you have two and zero help! Have you tried to talk to him about how exhausted you are? I do feel for you!! My guess you dont have any of your family members to help? Try to have a talk to his mom ( I mean not when he jumps it on you, but maybe over coffee) Sounds like you really dont have any support system and it sucks. Hold n there!

 

 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  AnnaVictoria.
Post # 50
Member
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

MrsBagel:  I think we’ve all missed it because, even without that, the husband’s actions are deplorable. But you’re right, he’s enlisting his mother to argue against his wife. That is so wrong. A husband and wife should be a team.

This man’s attitude stinks on so many levels.

Post # 51
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I was just discussing this with my mom over morning coffee. We agree that young folks do things differently these days and that I really shouldn’t post in the middle of the night…lol. Carry on.

Post # 52
Member
9595 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

MrsBagel:  I am also blown away that he called his mommy to tattle on his wife. And saying she’s not in the right mindset to care for bebe, great buddy why don’t you step up then? And the single parent comment? Holy shit.

He is behaving like such an ass. I could not handle that and he would be feeling my wrath. I would stop doing anything for him- meals, chores etc and tell him to figure it out like single men do. Really, are you a team or not? Also, he sounds like a complete misogynist with his ewww womens work attitude.

Post # 53
Member
2016 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

OP i know exactly what you are going through with your husband. 

When my daughter was born Darling Husband was useless UNLESS his parents were about then all of a sudden he liked to pretend to be super dad. I asked him for help on numerous occassions but his life always came first before our daughters.

He would get home from work and have a shower then find anything to do that didnt involve looking after baby. When i did manage to get him to watch her so i could take a bath or wash my hair he would spend the whole time not interacting with her but instead be on his ipad gaming or on the phone talking to his brother. I was mentally draining for me. 

Unlike you I did have PPD so this really wasnt helping. 

what did i do? I sat him down and told him that his daughter needed him to be a dad. I told him she craves his attention and hes letting her down by not giving it to her. We made a pact. I asked him for 1 hour when he gets home from work to look after our daughter. I asked him to read her the bedtime story and put her to bed for that 121 special alone time. 

He was reluctant at first but gradually started to cherish that time with his daughter. He is now an awsome father to his child and she worships the ground he walks on. It took a long time for him to adjust to having a baby around the house.

Looking back I think he was scared of not doing something right and would play the ‘im busy’ card to hide the fact he was scared to take care of his child. He needed alot of reassurance. is it possible your husband is having the same reservations?

You really need to try and get them to spend quality time together to form that bond. once that bond is there thats it. 

FWIW – My dad has 2 children and 1 grandchild and has never changed a diaper in his entire life!

Post # 54
Member
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

He called his mother to ‘tattle’ on you?! Jesus. That is so dysfunctional. He does not sound grown up enough to have one child, let alone two. You on the other hand.. Have two children on your hands at this point. This whole situation sounds disastrous, and he is absolutely in the wrong. 

Do what you think is best for you and your child. He is not adding anything positive to your lives at this point. I would suggest counselling as a start, find out why he’s acting like this all of a sudden..

Post # 55
Member
2969 posts
Sugar bee

MrsBagel:  I’m not very happy about this either.  However, befor I got to that point I realised my phone battery was about to run out!

Post # 56
Hostess
9689 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

I don’t think there’s anything I can add that hasn’t already been said. 

But, did he want kids? 

I could see a man acting like this if he had maybe said that he never wanted children and then you had a child anyways. Not like that’s any sort of excuse for his behavior, but he sure isn’t acting like a father. My mom always tells stories about my first year. My dad got so many speeding tickets he had to take a driving class because he would rush home every chance he got from work just to squeeze in a little time with me.

Your husband doesn’t sound devoted at all. It sounds like he’s going through the motions then dipping out when duty calls at home. Getting his mother involved and making YOU look like the bad person is beyond wrong. If someone was saying that I was depressed/postpartum I would say “This is NOT bc of baby, this is bc of HUSBAND.” I would take a huge issue with him not having any desire to get involved with the baby.

He’s not acting like you’re a family at all, and that single mother comment proves it. Honestly, if someone said that to me after I had already been taking care of the baby completely on my own, I would give him a taste of his own medicine, and I would be out the door with baby to stay at my mom’s/friend’s/hotel. Yes, he’s being a huge dick. Get into counseling ASAP. It sounds like he is resentful of you and the baby, and that he’s not happy with his life.

Post # 57
Member
2969 posts
Sugar bee

SamanthaLovesJames:  

I am concerned that your husband should suggest that you are in no condition to care for your daughter and that your Mother-In-Law should suggest that you were depressed.  Your husband’s comments sound like a veiled threat and emotional blackmail.

However, it is really hard to tell what is going on.  I’ve looked through some of your previous posts and it is clear that your relationship has had its ups and downs.  You have both been to counselling.  Your husband wasn’t around much when you were pregnant because he was out three times a week with his friends and behaved as though he was single.  Your Mother-In-Law has not taken interest in your child.  Your husband did at one stage suggest a nanny (for two children?).

I think that you need to reassess your marriage because you are not currently equal partners in any sense.  Staying at home to look after a child does not mean that you should be a slave to your husband’s selfishness.

Some thoughts:

Go out and find mother-toddler groups so that you get to meet people.  Often these groups have a rota where a couple of mums look after the children while the rest have a break and chance to chat. 

Go and see your own family and take your daughter with you. 

Ask friends around in an evening and if you have a friend that you trust ask her or him to babysit for you.  Then go out with friends and have a meal or see a film.

I think that you need to find help to increase your self-confidence and assertiveness.  Get counselling help or whatever you need. 

If your husband doesn’t tell you whether or not or when he is coming home then he can make his own dinner and wash up his own dishes.   Or you can make the dinner and leave it in the oven until it gently chars.  (This is mild compared with what I would do if I was in your position.)

Your toddler probably needs a short nap for a couple of hours every afternoon.  Use this time to get a few things done.

Make sure that other people apart from your husband and Mother-In-Law see you and your child.  A good friend should be able to help with your toddler, support you emotionally, tell you if you are depressed (I’m going to assume that you are not) and vouch for the fact that you are a good mother.

 

 

 

Post # 58
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Supersleuth:  you articulated that better than I ever could!

Post # 59
Member
3378 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

This is not OK.  I’ve had this discussion with my Darling Husband before (mostly recently last night! sparked by a dicussion about dads who don’t change diapers), and I agree with his perspective – a big part of being a man is taking responsibility for your role as a husband and a father.  Being a mother is not your job, it’s your life – as being a father should be his life.  You stay home, so I’m assuming your “job” is caring for the household and caring for your child during the day, but when he’s not at work the responsibility should fall equally to the two of you – and he should be happy to give you a break to let you shower (for christ’s sake, if he’s not willing to help you while you SHOWER, he’s a selfish dick-wad – I’m sorry but this is pissing me off more the more I think about it).  You are not a single mom, so you shouldn’t have to “figure it out like a single mom” – unless he wants you to BE a single mom.  Then he can figure out child support and alimony “like a single dad.”

Post # 60
Member
2847 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’ve been a working mom and a single mom but never a Stay-At-Home Mom, so take this for what it’s worth.  Yes, I think your husband is being a jerk.  But, your behavior and actions are the only ones within your control.  We are only reading your side of the story.  What would his side say?  Would it say she never makes me feel welcome when I walk in the door?  Would it say she nags me all the time?  Would it say all we ever do is fight, so I avoid her like the plague?  I am just asking because  problems in marriages are rarely one sided.  I am wondering if you just tried some small things to make him feel appreciated, if he might be more willing to step up to the plate.  What if you sent him a text in the middle of the day, and said I sure appreciate that you work so I can stay home.  It’s a privilege.  What if you had his favorite meal ready?  What if you called his mom and said can you watch the baby tonight so that Hubby and I can have a date.  What if you made a list of the things that he is doing right and told him those?  I think sometimes couples get into stalemates because they each see all the wrong things the other person is doing.  I bet if you asked for his side of the story, it would not sound at all like your side.  I bet he will say I just worked a stressful 8-9 hour day and communted home and the first thing she says is here’s the baby.  Take her from me. Not hi honey.  I love you.  How was your day?  What if you tried to love him into seeing your side?

Anyway, I think MOST probelems in marriage stem from behavior on both sides that need work.  I am not saying he is behaving properly.  He’s not.  Involving his mom is definitely an immature move.  And no, you should not be expected to raise the child by yourself, although lots of SAHMs do (think of the surgeon’s wife or the executive climbing the corporate ladder, working 14 hours a day).  But, what are YOU doing to make your home the place he wants to be?  Are you at a stalemate with him, so that neither of you are complementing the other?  You cannot change him, but you can look at your behavior and just see if there’s anything you could change.  I’d try it.  What is there to lose?  You have been in a relationship 10 years and you didn’t see this coming, so where is the old you and the old him and how can you get that back?  I would try texting him in the middle of the day to tell him how grateful you are to stay home (it’s truly a privilege many of us do not have).  Puff him up a little.  Have a meal ready for him when he gets home (I can’t tell you what I would give for that after working all day!!!!).   Brush your hair and put on some lipstick before he gets home.  He may well feel like the baby is the only thing that counts now and you have forgotten about him.  I am not saying that I think you should do everything.  I am saying that maybe you could change your approach and see if that gets you what you want.  Ask him if there are any of his needs you aren’t meeting before telling him all the neesd of yours he isn’t meeting.  Also, if you aren’t having sex, he is likely to be frustrated.

Again, I am not pinning this on you.  I am saying YOUR behavior is the only behavior you have control over.  Is he coming home every day to an angry, nagging woman, and wondering where the woman he married is?  I know you are wondering where the man you married went. 

Babies are hard.  They change everything.  A second one is even harder and more work.  Please work on your marriage before you have another kid.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  NavyBee.

The topic ‘Is it me who's wrong? Dad doesn't help with baby…’ is closed to new replies.

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