(Closed) Is it me who's wrong? Dad doesn't help with baby…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 61
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I was going to write something about this guy having his head stuck up 1960’s ass because this isn’t how homes are run in 2014, but I did read previous threads and this does seem part a flagrant pattern of disrespect from him and his awful family.  

It’s one thing to occasionally screw up and accidentally make mistakes, it’s another thing to consistently and deliberately chose to treat you and his child like you’re not important, and to allow his family to do the same. It really seems time to get back to work, and not be reliant on him.        

Post # 62
Member
2969 posts
Sugar bee

 

Mrs.Sawyertobe:  Noooooooooo!

Surely a father should be delighted to see his child even after a long day (which he won’t be tired from because he spends so much time in the evenings relaxing with friends instead of being home with his wife and child)?

Surely a husband can tell if his wife is exhausted? 

Surely a husband can ask his mother to look after the child so that his wife can get a rest?

You are right in thinking that things might be more complicated than we think and that sometimes in relationships there can be set behaviours on both sides that need to change before problems can be solved.  But I don’t think that what I would term “the lipstick and sugar” trap is the answer. 

How about respect, equality, love, understanding, partnership?

 

 

Post # 63
Member
2847 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

Supersleuth:  I really think there is something to this story we are not hearing.  And, men can’t read minds.  And if all a wife does is complain, of course he is going to run.  And, no, not all people are in a rush to hang out with little babies and are delighted to see them. What if he is thinking, oh God, I have to go to that place again where all I am going to hear is what I do wrong.  I am going to avoid it like the plague. 

I believe that husbands and wives should serve each other, love each other and nurture each other.  I am asking her if she is doing that for him. 

And if we really want equality, than surely she can ask his mother to look after the kid so she can get a rest.

 

What I see here is all the things he needs to do to serve her without asking what she is doing to serve him.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  NavyBee.
  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  NavyBee.
Post # 64
Member
2847 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

And I took care of two by myself for a year, plus worked full time.  It’s hard, but come on.  It isn’t THAT hard.  One kid?

I made mistakes in my prior marriage.  My ex did too.  One of my mistakes was not building him up and nagging too much and looking for what he did wrong. 

Post # 65
Member
234 posts
Helper bee

Planning on #2? I’m sorry to hear that your going through this but I wouldn’t plan for #2 if he isn’t currently helping you with the first baby why would he change for the second. The one thing I can’t stand about when guys assume your at home not working is that your not doing anything. It’s an ALL day chore to watch a 1 yr old all day and then everything else that’s involved through out your day. He is being very selfish. I can’t believe he wouldnt’ want to be apart of his child’s life. Doesn’t he want to bond with his child?! I would be very upset if I was being treated like this.

 

Post # 66
Member
3617 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

OP, please don’t have another child. Please. Look beyond this immediate situation and visualize your life with two children and a husband who isn’t interested in them.

Don’t do this to another child.

The posters here will talk  and talk about what he should do, what you can get him to do, what you should plan to get him to do but in the end, whether you are “right” or “wrong” or whatever, but in the end you can only control your own actions. Start working with that concept.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Profile Photo .
Post # 67
Member
2847 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

FauxPas2012:  This is what I was trying to day.  You only have control of your own actions.

And don’t have another until you are content in your marriage.  One is one, and two is four.  It’s way more work.

Post # 68
Member
9555 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

This whole situation sounds a bit scary to me. I would not have another child with this man. And honestly, I’d get at least a part time job and start putting some money away, getting my ducks in a row…just in case. Darling Husband running to his mommy and then her trying to say you have mental health issues is a red flag to me.

Post # 69
Member
422 posts
Helper bee

Pffft as if! There is never an excuse to say “figure it out like single moms”.  I understand he is probably tired too and needs some time to collect his thoughts and relax a bit at the end of the day but that doesn’t mean he gets to leave the house every night and hang out with his buddies. Time to grow up!

Post # 70
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Don’t have baby #2 until your husband starts respecting you and realizes that he needs you more than you need him. If this never happens you need to make a decision to accept his misogynistic ways or walk out. 

Post # 71
Member
3790 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

 

Girl, I’m frustrated FOR you! I understand that him going to work and making enough to allow you to stay home and care for your child is a huge deal. But it doesnt let him off the hook for being a husband & parent. During the day, it’s your job to keep up the house up and look after baby. In the evenings it should be a shared job. I agree with a PP who said maybe he’s just scared of screwing up/not sure what to do. Some guys dont have the same knack for babies as lots of women do, so maybe he just needs a little coaching. Ask him to read her a story, teach him a game she likes, teach him to bathe her… help him bond with her (if that seems to be the issue) 

I dont agree with the “put on some lipstick, and appreciate that your lights turn on” approach, but he likely doesnt feel appreciated for what he provides, so finding a way to show him that you appreciate him might go a long way. I do agree that if you’re miserable and try to dump the baby off on him the moment he walks through the door (not that I think that’s what you’re doing), I wouldnt hurry home either. Try to be mindful of your behavior and your part in this too.  

I think you need to have a serious conversation about your expectations for eachother. If he wants to play the “I make the money, your job is everything else” card, if he thinks all you do is sit on your butt all day, write down what you do all day and figure out how much you’d have to pay someone to come in and do that for you. That is how much money, or work, you are saving him by being home…your time is worth something too, you just arent getting $$ for it. He needs to realize that you “work” too, and appreciate everything you do too.

 I think that you are on 2 different pages and the only way you’re going to solve that is by having a conversation and both owning up to your part of the issues. Including him ‘tattling’ to mommy when you dont behave the way he wants you to.

And for the love of god, please don’t have another child with him until things are much better.

Good luck girl, sending you patience and energy… you’re gonna need it!!

Post # 72
Member
7310 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Why do you want to raise a second child with this man when he already refuses to be a parent to the child he has? So he can do more of the same and set an example for his children of an absent/unengaged/entirely disinterested father? Daughters often model their idea of what a relationship should be like based on the way their parents interact with each other and with them. So what is your daughter learning? She’s learning that Daddy doesn’t care about Mommy and Daddy doesn’t care about her. Is that the model you want her to have? Is that the precedent you want to set in her mind for how she should be treated by the most significant man in her life thus far?

I’d drag his butt into marriage counseling ASAP. Don’t let this situation/behavior drag on for a single moment longer.

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