Post # 1
I’m getting married in 11 days. Fiance and I are waiting to have sex until we’re married. I feel kinda silly saying this but we don’t exactly have a birth control plan. We’re just going to see what happens. We’re both religious but neither of us are opposed to birth control we just don’t feel it’s for us.
We don’t have any reasons NOT to have a baby right away. We both really want kids and I think Fiance wants a baby even more than I do. We both have professional careers and can provide for a baby financially. I’m 29, he’s 32 and we want 3 or 4 kids so all the more reason to get started right away right? I just feel that people will judge us if I get pregnant right away and they’ll look at us as being irresponsible or something for not waiting a bit after our wedding.
A lot of people (mostly family) have warned me by saying things like “make sure you wait at least a year or two to have babies, you need to adjust to married life before you bring a baby into the mix, etc.”. Do you think that’s really important though? Will bringing a baby into the mix too soon hurt our marriage? Would you judge someone for getting pregnant right after their wedding (especially if they’d never lived together before the wedding)?
Post # 3
I really think it depends on what your relationship was like before marriage. Darling Husband and I lived together for 2 years before getting married and between the two of us already had 3 kids. I’m 20 weeks pregnant now with our first child together and I concieved 3 months after our wedding. It didn’t make sense for us to wait because we were already living the “married” lifestyle before actually getting married. If I were in your situation I would wait a few years before trying for a baby.
Post # 4
I would personally say to wait and adjust to married life, especially if you’ve never lived together. Living together is a HUGE adjustment, and I would want to get some of those issues out of the way first before bringing a baby into it.
Disclosure: I lived with my husband for 5 years before we were married, and we’ve been married two years. We’re still not “ready” yet!
Post # 5
I voted before I read.
I normally think waiting a year is smart, but if you both really want kids and you’re not too young- why wait?
Post # 6
I do agree that it does depend on your relationship before marriage. Fiance and I will have lived together almost 6 years when we get married and we can’t wait and are starting right away! We pretty much have been living life like a married couple, only without the actual marriage certificate lol But if you haven’t lived together before, I think you will need sometime to adjust to the difference of living together and all that comes along with that. In the end, it’s up to you two.
Post # 7
Yes, of course you should wait. That is my honest opinion. Everyone says the first year of marriage is the hardest. So why put a baby on top of it? If asked, I would recommend at least two years of marriage first.
Post # 8
I think it depends on how long the couple has been together and how old you are. If you’re close to 30 and you two have been together awhile, there’s no reason not to start right away. But if you feel like you need a little more time to get to know each other, waiting a year won’t hurt.
Post # 9
I think it depends on you two as a couple, how old you are, life goals, etc. My fiance and I have gone in the past year to, ‘Oh, we’ll wait a couple years after getting married and then discuss kids”, to “hmm….we’re kind of old to wait so long, maybe we’ll wait just a year”, to his friends telling me at our going-away party that my lovely Fiance has been talking about having kids ASAP!
I think we’re both just a little scared of problems conceiving. We’re both 32, and we both have friends who had a LOT of problems getting pregnant, which took a few years, so now we’re kind of leaning towards the…may as well stop using any form of birth control immediately after the wedding, then wait 6 months and then really start trying, and then go from there.
But we’re already financially stable, and since we’re relocating for his job, I’m in a career transition anyhow, and we both have tons of childcare experience (8 nieces and nephews between the 2 of us), so I think there’s no reason to put off trying. We won’t get aggressive about trying to conceive until after a year though. We’ve never lived together before either, technically, because I own my own house and he always had his own apartment, but we’re together basically 24/7 anyway, and we’ll be living together the 2 months before the wedding this summer, since I’m relocating to be w/ him. =)
my two cents!
Post # 10
Definately depends on your relationship with your Fiance. And if you have been living together before marriage or not. Darling Husband and I found out after we were engaged and 4 months before we were married that we were expecting a baby.
A child especially baby is a lot of hard work and if you haven’t lived together and are used to each other’s quirks before marriage, I would not advise bringing a baby into this world until you are used to living with each other.
Post # 11
I am inclined to say you should wait, at least 6 months or so, since you haven’t even lived together yet, but you would know better than random people on the internet! I’m personally happy that we had time to settle into married life before starting to try for kids, but that’s my decision. I have one friend who was in a similar position, although the lived together for a while before hand, after they got married they just didn’t see the need to prevent it. She got pregnant very shortly after and like you mentioned, felt almost embarrassed, like people would think she should have waited longer, but I think most people were just happy for them. She was about your age when she got married, too.
However, in general, I think the adjustment to living together can be a little more difficult than people expect, so it wouldn’t be bad to have some time to adjust.
Post # 12
I actually come at this from a different angle.
I know PLENTY (raise own hand) of people whose ENTIRE marital dynamic changed FOR THE WORSE after having a child. This is not a man-bashing response. I truly don’t mean it the way it will probably come out….. I know TONS of couples where the husband just didn’t handle the switch to “coming in 2nd” very well, and the marriage broke up shortly after – or for sure by the time the child was 3. Now, I know in most of those relationships (raise own hand) the wife didn’t maybe do the best job juggling new baby, husband, job, self…… so I think EVERYONE has a responsibility to look at what is going to change and why.
My personal opinion is that waiting “2 or 3 years” is the WORST time to have a baby for your marriage. You’ve just gotten your groove. You’ve just identified who is going to do what. You’ve just gotten used to your budget. You’ve just figured this whole “marriage thing” out….. and then WHAM….. baby in the mix. COMPLETELY changes it. My vote is either have a baby right away and adjust TO BEING A FAMILY or be married forever and THEN have a baby, when you’re older and have worked through ALL your issues (not just the first year or 2).
My one bit of unsolicited advice. Talk about expectations. Who does what. Who gets up in the middle of night. How it looks. What will HIS role be. What will YOUR role be. When you want to go to Target by yourself…. are you going to ASK him to babysit (ridiculous, but lots see it that way) or will you figure out who is going to parent and who is going to complete domestic tasks at what time. What kind of parents do you want for your child? What kind of husband/wife do you each want and how will you HELP that person be a good dad/mom.
Having a baby is a big thing. It changes you. It changes you for the better (hopefully) and it can bring out the absolute worst (sleep-, food-, sanity- deprived versions of yourselves emerge).
Why ever get used to being able to pee in private? Just do it.
Post # 13
I think it totally depends on the couple but based on my experience I am so so so glad we had that year of marriage. Not that the first year was hard or anything but it’s time you will never get back so enjoy it while you can. We found out I was expecting roughly 2 months after our first anniversary and I’m glad years down the road we can look back on that time when it was just the two of us – taking weekend trips and doing fun things. Not that we wont do those things with a baby but we made so many great memories that first year of marriage. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
PS – i would never judge anyone who got pregnant right away. My sister in law had a honeymoon baby and they have adjusted perfectly fine to marriage and a baby.
Post # 14
I voted other because I think it depends on the circumstances. I’m 21 and my husband is 24. We did not live together before marriage and are not in any financial position to have kids right now. For us, it would not only be irresponsible, but we do need time to settle in together. For a couple that has lived together for many years and are financially stable, I don’t think waiting really matters all that much. I’ve heard many couples who lived together prior to marriage say that marriage itself doesn’t feel different necessarily, it’s just more legally official now.
Post # 15
I don’t think it’s neccearily the time you have been married but the amount of time you have known each other that really makes a difference. Darling Husband and I were together for 5 yrs before we got married and will be married 2yrs before the baby is born. You need to be 100% comfortable with each other and that takes time. I know a couple who got married after 10 months and got pregnant right away, you can see them struggling a little because she is changing so much and they are still learning about each other and discussing how to raise their child. I know they’ll be fine but since Darling Husband and I have been together for a while and know each other inside and out things just seems to be a little easier for us.
Post # 16
I’m also one who thinks it depends on the couple. We wanted to wait a bit b/c we didn’t live together before marriage, and we didn’t want to have a baby in our 2 bedroom condo. We were also 27 and 28 when we got married too, so waiting a year wasn’t a huge deal for us.
If you feel that you’re both ready, then go for it! If you want to try to wait a few months, the NFP method might be for you. I tracked my temperature on Fertility Friend while we were TTC, and it helped a lot.