It’s a very difficult situation but it isn’t your fault.
I myself had a very difficult relationship with my mother growing up and now have a much easier relationship with my daughter. I hope that I have not repeated my mother’s mistakes and that my own mistakes are much less hurtful and more forgiveable.
With any mother-daughter relationship it is the mother who has the most responsibility for making the relationship work, and by ‘most’ I mean 99.9%. This is because a baby or child cannot have this sort of responsibility. It is the parent’s job to give closeness, love, warmth and empathy. This should be unconditional. Children do not have to earn love. They should be loved just for themselves, regardless of gender, intelligence or temperament.
Some mothers are not good at this, either with their young children or their adult children. I suspect from what you have said that your mother’s behaviour goes back a long time, and possibly your father’s too. I say this because you say that your parents probably like your fiance more than you.
In addition, your mother wafts away your worries and tells you they are pointless and stupid. This is called invalidation. It occurs when someone mocks or belittles your feelings and tells you they are wrong or stupid or invalid. This is wrong. Your worries are your worries. You are allowed to feel worried or concerned when you need to be. You are allowed to ask for and to receive help.
I think you have a choice.
1. You could confront your mother with your feelings.
2. You could ignore her behaviour and then get on with a new and loving relationship with your Fiance.
3. You could confront your mother with your feelings and then get on with a new and loving relationship with your Fiance
If you do confront her I suggest that you have your Fiance with you as a witness. I doubt your mother will react well but at least she will have been given an opportunity to repair things. She might, of course, continue with her behaviour and list lots of things that she thinks that you have done wrong in order to justify her actions.
You can’t alter other people’s behaviour but you can alter your own. Do everything you can to increase your confidence. Enjoy your new husband. Once you are married you both will need to present a united front to the world and to your parents. Put your efforts into creating a better home life than you yourself experienced.
My own mother has lots of issues about letting people in. This means that she treats acquaintances with greater enthusiasm than she treats me or my brother. Acquaintances are very ‘safe’. She can put on a veneer of politeness, friendliness and enthusiasm. I and my brother are much more dangerous. If she lets us in then there is always the risk that we will ask searching questions about how she has behaved in the past. If she lets us in then she is going to expose her own vulnerability and this is something that she is frightened of. Does she love me? I really don’t know. Neither does my brother.
What I have learned about being a mother is that I am not my mother. I love my daughter and put her first every time. I’m not perfect and I’m sure she gets angry with me sometimes but I hope that she will let me know so that I can apologize and repair any hurt.
In my twenties and thirties I really tried to get on with my mother and to say all the things that I wanted to say but now that I’m in my fifties I’ve accepted that our relationship is what it is. I can’t spend any more time regretting what I didn’t have. All I can do is put my energies into other relationships. My husband and daughter love me and this is great. It doesn’t mean that I don’t get a twinge now and again, when I see someone my age with a loving and interested parent, but I have learnt to more than cope.
I really don’t know your situation very well but you have to put your energies into loving a wonderful husband rather than pleasing people who, at some deep level, refuse to be pleased. And remember that your Fiance loves you and you are loveable.