(Closed) Is it normal? (long – I'm sorry)

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3969 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Mandula:  I am just confused why he didn’t think buying a house with you would be a HUGE commitment, to me, it’s bigger than getting engaged! You’re stuck with each other for the length of your mortgage, and you’re both responsible for payments, even if one person stops paying.

Honestly, (and this is if it were me), I wouldn’t be pressuring but I would be asking for a serious timeframe. That you understand life can be shitty, but that’s life, and you need to be able to depend on each other for the hard times. If he’s comfortable putting out so much money for a home with you, getting married is not all that far beyond in the commitment category. Just my 2 cents though.

Post # 4
Member
5662 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I agree, I”m a little surprised that someone would say that buying a home was ok but he doesn’t seem all that sure that he’s willing to “put up” with stress that involves you long term. A man that wants to spend his life with you should be willing 150% to go through the good AND the bad with you. He shouldn’t be afraid of committing to a lifetime with you because things aren’t always sunshine and rainbows. They won’t be, EVER, with you or anyone else, or even by himself.I hate to say it but calling buying a house a type of engagment was a bit… pacifying and misleading it seems. At the end eof the day, he’s still not willing to put the ring on your finger.

I wish you all the best and I am so sorry you’ve had a rough couple of years! I hope he comes around and realizes this is life, with or without you, it’s freaking hard. Probably harder without you 🙂

Post # 5
Member
241 posts
Helper bee

I think your boyfriend has had to deal with the stress of a lifetime in the span of a few years – you as well. The amount of…crap…that you have had to endure is mind boggling. I am so sorry for your pain!

My initial thoughts (take this with a grain of salt as we are complete strangers) are that your boyfriend obviously loves you but that he has had an awful lot to digest and deal with in a pretty short amount of time. I think it’s completely normal for him to want to take a break from stress and drama! Planning a wedding is a big deal. Is it possible that he fears the stress of getting married might trigger another migraine episode or PTSD related breakdown?

I had some mental health issues a couple of years ago, and my SO expressed the fear that my “episodes” were going to be his future, that they were never going to let up or give us a break. It is a lot for a person to handle, and it’s certainly something that nobody would choose to willingly have to deal with every day for the rest of his life.

How stable is your relationship currently? How stable are your health concerns? How stable are your emotions and memories? I’m just worried that you’re thinking that getting married will magically resolve all your problems…

Post # 6
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@love108:  I agree, buying a house with you was a serious decision and a huge commitment.

I am sorry for all that you been through and he is a great guy for sticking by you, but there is always going to be drama in life. It might subside for a bit, but life is funny that way, it likes to come back and bite you in the ass. When you are in a relationship with someone, married or not, you are deciding to take the good with the bad. When you marry someone, you are marrying them because you love them for who they are, not just when it is convenient for you.

I hope that made sense…. 

Post # 9
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Sorry to hear that you have been through such a rough few years. It sounds like hes been great through it all and I know what you mean with all the drama and him just wanting to have time without it. But, as someone said, life is full of ups and downs and it isn’t the good times that cement you together as a couple, its the bad times.

I would remind him of that, and that you love him and want to spend your life with him.

Post # 10
Member
241 posts
Helper bee

I agree that life has ups and downs. What I was trying to get at is when you’ve been having more downs than ups (and it started pretty much at the beginning of the relationship it seems) the poor guy probably just wants a breather before taking it to the next level, with the added stress and drama and everyting else that goes along with planning and having a wedding.

I disagree with the PP saying that the bad times are what cement a couple. I believe it’s the bad times that tear a couple apart. When have you ever heard a couple come back from a fabulous vacation saying they had such a great time with each other that they have to break up now? People break up because of hard and bad times. Stress.

The fact that he wanted to buy a house with you is a good sign. I say lay off the marriage talk for another drama-free 6 months and then bring it up again.

Post # 11
Member
10714 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

This sounds a little like a friend of mine and her guy. She wanted to get engaged but he said no. They bought a house instead and though she wanted to get married she was happy sharing a home for now. After they lived there for 2 years they planned a nice trip and he completely surprised her with a ring. He kept saying no to getting engaged and told her he didn’t want to get married but all along he had a ring… he wanted to test the most extreme waters first and said he didn’t want to get married to surprise her. Ya never know what’s really going on in their minds. just hang in there! I wish you the best.

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