(Closed) Is it normal to be thinking of an ex I don't love?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 15
12208 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

SmartCookie1:  I think stupid, heartless and immature are mostly code word for feeling guilty in this case.

Based on the update, silkybutterbee:, aside from starting a new relationship before properly breaking up with a long distance Boyfriend or Best Friend,  it doesn’t sound like you did anything so terrible as far as the ex knew.   You broke up with him because in the end you couldn’t see a future and you were decent enough to do it face to face. That’s not heartless, no matter how much it may have hurt him at the time. 


Post # 16
910 posts
Busy bee

I broke up with a guy in a careless way once. I hurt him, but wasn’t into him so like you gave him little time. I regretted it years later as I matured and looked back always thinking what a nice,  decent guy he was. 

Eventually I contacted him and apologized. He responded with a picture of his penis. 

Sometimes the past is better left in the past. 

Post # 17
1988 posts
Buzzing bee

SmartCookie1:  THIS!!! I don’t think it necessarily is selfish. My first boyfriend hurt me badly. BADLY. I cut all contact. Two years after he called. First thing he said is may I please speak to you? All I need is a couple minutes and for you to listen. Is that ok with you? 

Because he approached it in a respectful way, I said yes. And that conversation was a gift of healing for both of us. He finally apologized and MEANT every single word. It opened basic communication and at least now we can say hi to each other when we cross paths (both cyclists in a small community) .

I did not think it was selfish at all. I did think he was a selfish asshole during all the time he did not apologize for the terrible pain and all the bad repercussions the stuff he did had and unfortunately still has in my life. His call opened the door to forgiveness. And we both needed that to move on. Out of respect for the almost 9 years we spent together, and the love once we had for each other, I think it was the right thing to do.

Post # 18
2123 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Move on OP. Stop checking up on him and leave this poor guy alone.

I’ve been that guy. My ex left me when I had no idea that anything was wrong. I loved him and I treated him with so much respect. And he broke my heart and walked away. I’m now madly in love with someone who deserves it, and we’re planning our lives together.

Sometimes I’m reminded of my ex, and even though I’m now glad it’s over, I remember how much it hurt. I remember how he treated me and how I felt. The best thing he can do for me now is keep well away. I don’t ever want to hear from him again.

It’s not fair of you to contact him to ease your own guilt. Whether he knows it or not, you cheated. There are no excuses for it, but it happened and now you can’t change it. So move on. You did the best thing for him by ending it, so take comfort in that. Sounds like you’re both a lot better off without each other. There is no better outcome. You can’t change things or make them any easier. So move on.

Post # 20
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

silkybutterbee:  OMG you just described my life… I was in a relationshop for 9 YEARS with my ex… we had met in high school and basically grew up together. He totally changed after we bought our house and became a complete jerk who basically didn’t care about me anymore. I gave him many chances but eventually had to end it. At this same time, as I was arranging to move out, I met my current fiance. This was a year and a half ago. My fiance and I moved in together 6 months after I broke up with my ex.

My ex took the break up SO badly… he was so scared and hurt and mad and couldnt accept that it was time for us to move on. I thought it would be easier for me over time to forget about him and the 9 year friendship we had. I call it a freindship becuase he had always been more of a best friend than someone I felt romantically about. 

Recently I’ve heard that his life has gone in a downward spiral. He lost his license, his JOB, and was hooked on pills. His phone was shut off and he does not use social media (not even a FB page). Oh and also, I got a call from a collection agency last week asking for him or if I knew how to contact him, so clearly he’s behind in payments for something. I am still in touch with his sister because I send gifts to her kids on their bdays and such. She said no one has heard from him or talked to him in months. We are so worried about him but I feel like I can’t let myself get involved… I still miss the freindship we had and the person he was before he became a scumbag. I wish his life was as happy as mine is now, but I have to keep telling myself there’s nothing I can do, I can’t be the one to save him anymore.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by  ktsteimel.
Post # 21
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I think it’s normal to think about your ex, especially if things are getting more serious with your current boyfriend. I know I thought a lot more about past relationships after my engagement than I had before; not because I missed them and wanted back in, but I became more reflective. I think you start to realize you’re in this for good, and it’s natural to think back on other relationships at that point. I am never going to experience another relationship, any chance of revisiting a past boyfriend is gone, and you have to be really sure that your current relationship is the one you want! That being said, I don’t think you need to contact your ex. Give yourself some safe space to think through this on your own and make your own peace with what happened, but no need to involve him; that could lead to new drama. 

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