(Closed) Is it normal to dwell on feelings of doubt?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2664 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

LilacLavender:  I’m sorry you’re in flux, bee. He’s 30, what is his hold up? Has he ever seemed like he wants to get married or is he just stringing you along?

Post # 4
Member
2664 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

LilacLavender:  His family don’t sound great but frankly he should have grown up by now. You don’t get to say ‘when I’m older’ at 30. Would you at 28? I know I feel far beyond that stage. If he doesn’t feel like an adult by now then I’m afraid that he never will. 

In his mind he’s sorted and you’ve gone along with it because you love him. But he hasn’t offered you anything in return. Clearly you want commitment. He doesn’t get pity because of his family at his age. Not unless he’s tried to get past his issues and made advances.

Do you ever think about how things would be if you weren’t with him anymore? You’re young, do you really want to hang around indefinitely for him? I’m not much one for ultimatums but he could perhaps use a very short time frame. ‘I’m expecting x but I’m getting y. Do you think that’s acceptable? If so, then I’m leaving. If not, then it’s time to take steps forward.’

I’m not sure he’ll marry you though. I’m not feeling convinced that’s what he wants with you. Or anyone.

Post # 5
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Have you guys talked about a timeline at all? It seems like of riduculous that he has all the power and is just telling you to “trust him”.

You have to decide what you want.  You have control over your life.  It sounds like he’s just happy where things are and doesn’t want to get married, sorry to say.  I personally don’t think it should take 6 years to decide whether or not you want to marry someone (unless you meet when you’re really young), and him just saying he wants to “have a wife one day” to me means you’re not the one.

I don’t mean to sound harsh, but me personally, if marriage is what I wanted I wouldn’t wait around for this guy any longer.

Post # 6
Hostess
8938 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

LilacLavender:  If I had been told that it was coming for years and hadn’t, I would be packing my bags and walking away I am afraid. Such a tough situation to be in you poor thing. My ex stringed me along for years, I finally left him and have been so much happier as a single lady than I ever was with him. Feeling like you have to beg someone to marry you, when they should be falling over themselves to do so, does nothing for your self esteem, I can tell you that!

Post # 7
Member
3529 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

My concern is that he told you that you could put yourself out of your own misery by just proposing to him. To me, that sounds like he is mocking you and your feelings. He clearly knows and understands that this is making you upset and his mindset is you can either wait for him to do it on his own time or do it yourself. 

It seems like maybe he isn’t ready to get married right now. You have to decide if being with him is enough for you, or if being married is more important than the current relationship. You should feel like the person you want to marry also wants to marry you and it doesn’t seem you feel that way. If you have discussed this with him a number of times and nothing has come of those conversations, I would consider whether or not the relationship is worth continuing. You don’t want to be left feeling like you’ve had to drag him down the aisle.

Post # 8
Member
1143 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

Why don’t you propose to him? It’s 2015 after all!

Post # 9
Member
3242 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

MarmotaLinda:  I proposed to my DH!! It didn’t make me any less engaged or any less loved or any less of a woman!

Post # 10
Member
1308 posts
Bumble bee

LilacLavender:  Why do you say your feelings are “unfounded”? Are you just trying to defend your relationship to yourself?  Because honestly, your feelings are 100% founded.  You have been with an adult man for 6 years, living with him for 5 (Honestly, I would have been angry long before this) and he has yet to propose.

Honestly, from how you describe him, it doesn’t surprise me he won’t commit.  He has been giving you signs (likely for years).  I would be very concerned with anyone over the age of 20 who says they don’t “feel like an adult”.  I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but what would make you think a guy like this is ready for marriage?  He has also told you he doesn’t feel like he needs to lock you down.  He doesn’t feel like he needs to make you his wife.  It’s pretty clear to me.

So, IMO, you are sitting around angry that a 30 year old man won’t propose to you when he has made it clear for years that he doesn’t plan on doing so anytime soon.  At 30 and after 6 years of dating, this would be pretty disheartening to anyone.  

We all have a past.  I came from an abusive mother but I learned to trust again.  After a while, you are responsible for leaving your own baggae and taking charge of your own relationships.  His upbringing is only an excuse for so long, and for so much.

I’m always afraid to post stuff like this because so many bees think it’s rude, but I just don’t understand why people date people and are upset when they aren’t being proposed to, when the other half of the equation clearly isn’t interested in doing so.  And has told you this.

I would think seriously about this one.  If he’s not marrying you, he’s not marrying you.  Saying it’s going to happen – for years?  Saying he does’t “feel the need to lock you down”?  I’m not sure how much more you need to see what I do.

Edit: Not sure I would propose to a man who says he doesn’t feel like an adult and has all the other qualities OP described.  If he is putting it on her to propose, he is just making excuses at this point.  I told my Darling Husband I was going to propose to him someday and we were engaged two months later.  No, my relationship isn’t cutesy or perfect, but if you want marriage, you both hop in.  You don’t get a 30 year old essentially saying “I’m not an adult, you propose to me so you don’t have to wait lolz!”

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  doglover89.
Post # 11
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I am definitely someone in the camp of “if he was going to marry you you’d have a ring on your finger already.”

Darling Husband and I were having a similar discussion yesterday because my best friend is in a similar situation to yours (similar in that she is getting anxious, not similar in any other way). Darling Husband agreed that, in civilian situations (he is former military and my best friend and her bf are both current military), especially one where you’ve been living together, it should never take that long for people to get engaged.

And, for the record, Darling Husband is also 30 and didn’t grow up in a physically affectionate family. He also has a history of bad relationships. That didn’t stop him from being affectionate with me. It didn’t stop him from proposing to me. When you’re with the right person, that stuff seems to melt away.

In your shoes, honestly, I would walk. 

Post # 12
Member
4246 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

So you have been waiting for a ring for years and yet he is still dragging his feet?  That tells me a lot about your boyfriend.  You may have a great relationship but I feel like if he really, truly wanted to marry you he would have put a ring on your finger already.  He knows you are looking to take the next step and yet he hasn’t.  I’m also all for proposing to him, but the way he said you could propose to him to end your “misery” really doesn’t sit well for me.  That indicates to me that he’s either 1. lazy or 2. doesn’t value your feelings on this topic or 3. both.

I would have one last come to Jesus meeting with him and tell him how you feel and how his actions and him dragging his feet are causing issues in your relationship.  Give yourself a deadline and if he hasn’t done anything at that point, walk away and find someone who does want marriage.  They’re out there.

Post # 14
Member
13 posts
Newbee

I’m so sorry… He sounds a little too comfortable. Either you walk away and it’s a wake-up call for him to have you, or a wake-up call for him who’s been lying to himself and you for 6 years. Either way, whatever the outcome, can only be good, because either you’ll get what you want (a proposal) or you’ll get what you want (a chance to meet someone who does want to marry) 

I wish you all the luck 🙂

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