Post # 1
I’m having an out-of-town wedding, but most of my guests will be coming from the next city, 1hr-1.5hrs away. My brother and one of my friends are ushers, and both live in the next city. They will be wearing hired kilts that they have never tried on before. My wedding is in the afternoon, but both the seating arrangements and getting to the church are complicated due to the nature of the venue, so the ushers will actually have a lot to do.
Both of them were really shocked when I said I wanted them there the evening before the wedding (when I’m also having a rehearsal dinner). They didn’t seem to realise that they would have to try their kilts on, check everything fits/is there, and preferably attend the rehearsal and dinner. I just assumed that they would be there the night before – especially my brother! Why would you NOT think you should arrive ahead of time for your sister’s wedding?
I’m doing lots of things myself (flowers, cake, decorating the venue) and will be staying at the venue for 5 days before the wedding, so part of me hoped that members of the bridal party might pitch in ahead of time, as they know all this, but I kind of thought it was given that they would come up straight from work the night before!
Am I being unreasonable?
Post # 3
to me – i agree – they need to be there. TODAY (ack!) is our rehearsal dinner and our officiant and groomsman will not be there! we actually have 3 officiants (and they all know each other, well 2 are married to each other…) and so the one (not married) will be here doing the rehearsal and the one actually doing the ceremony will be here tomorrow (8 hour drive for he and his wife). so THAT will be interesting…not having them here for the rehearsal – but we don’t have a choice.
the groomsman has to work and can’t get out of it…our venue has a wedding tonight and so we HAVE to have our rehearsal at 2 p.m.! it sucks because that totally screws everyone – but most will be able to make it…
my brother surprised me yesterday and drove up from florida with he, his wife and their 2.5 year old (my nephew) who i’ve NOT met yet…and i immediately told my mom to get a tux on that boy as he’ll be our ring bearer – and THEY won’t be at the rehearsal…
so yeahhhhh. tomorrow will be interesting! 🙂
anyways though – you’re NOT being unreasonable to want them there – but at the same time a lot of things are beyond your control. 🙁
Post # 4
I feel like unless it is an emergency or you absolutely cannot get out of work (i.e. don’t have the kind of job where you can put in for that day way ahead of time) it’s pretty unacceptable not to be there. For me, I’m the bride that doesn’t expect anything from my BMs except to get the dress (two of which I actually purchased for them due to $$$ issues), and show up… and by “show up” I mean show up the day before! IMO, for the wedding party, the wedding starts on friday. I’d be upset if someone wasn’t coming without a valid reason. For the record, our entire wedding party will be there friday because they know they have to be, but also because they want to be!
Post # 5
I think if you’re having a rehearsal dinner, I can see why it would be somewhat necessary. We’re not, so it certainly wasn’t a necessity for us. That being said, I am spending the night before the wedding with 3 of my 4 BMs because I want to. FI will probably see his groomsmen the night before the wedding, since some of them are local. But it wasn’t a necessity for us. Although, I can understand wanting to have them there just to go over last minute details. That would definitely help put my mind at ease as well. I agree with @JuneBride: it’s not unreasonable to want them there, but it may not be possible for some people.
Post # 6
it will make you more at ease to have everyone there, when you do rehersal, things go wrong that you can fix before the ceremony!
Post # 7
I think it’s fairly standard that if there’s a reherseal the night before, everyone who is a part of the ceremony (bridal party, ushers, readers, etc) should be there for the reherseal.
Post # 8
I would say that they need to be at the rehearsal, etc. the night before unless there’s a REALLY good reason why they must miss. However with it only being an hour/hour and a half away, I see no reason why they should have to spend the night in the venue town unless they want to. I mean, it would be nice, but anywhere under 2 hours away (or even 3) I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that people went home for the night and came back the next day.
Post # 9
I agree that the bridal party should attend, but in all honesty, it’s not something that couldn’t be reviewed with them on the day of (by someone that did attend the night before). In your circumstance, it just seems like you need to communicate your expectations more instead of assuming that they know what to do. Alot of ppl do not know what exactly is needed, other than the stuff you want them to do on the day of.
Post # 10
Yeah, our chaplain wants everyone – ushers, readers, everyone – at the rehearsal. I’ve only asked the BMs to take time off work, and I asked them 6 months ago, so they would have plenty of time to build it into their schedules (since they all usually manage a couple of holidays a year, I didn’t think it would be too much to ask for 2 days), and I’m not being too stressed about everyone making the rehearsal, but I’ve just been a bit shocked that my brother and friend were clearly expecting to turn up just before the ceremony.
In their defense, they are now both coming up the evening before (although my brother claimed it would cause “major logistical issues” and despite finishing work at 3pm won’t be able to turn up until 7.30pm…not sure why a 90min drive will take him 4.5 hours, but hey ho) I just wanted to know if I was wrong to expect them to.
Post # 11
I agree that it would make things alot less stressful if they stayed over the night before, however it might be a little bit of a financial issue for some people. It can get expensive being in someone’s wedding and I’m not sure how much the hotel is but it might be a stretch for some people. I was just in a wedding where we had a very expensive dress, alterations, and shoes. I had to pay for my own hair and makeup, the room for the night of the wedding, a new suit for FI, gifts for shower and wedding, and destination bachalorette. When it came down to it, I didn’t have the extra $250 to pay for a room the night before, so I drove to the hotel early that morning.
Post # 12
@ greenleafmountain – I think in the UK people’s distance concepts are bit different, it’s pretty small so over 1hr’s drive is seen as a fairly long way – especially since the 90min drive is out of London, and people in London get very very upset when they have to leave. But I wouldn’t have minded if they were going home again – what I want to know is that their outfits fit and they know what they’re doing on the day!
@ farfromordinarybride – I came to a similar conclusion, and so now have started being very explicit about what I want from people, so they know where they stand – lesson learned!
I guess I’m just a little bit miffed at my brother, because when he got married a couple of years ago, he was the biggest groomzilla ever – there were plans made for 2 nights before the wedding, not just the night before the wedding, and he was uber demanding about all sorts of things. We don’t get to see each other much because we live really far apart, and so I suppose I was quite hurt that he wasn’t planning on seeing me before I walk down the aisle, and hadn’t thought that there would be family plans for the evening before.