(Closed) How to Stop Being Jealous of friends having babies/getting married.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I don’t really have any advice, but I know how you feel. I’ve always told myself I wouldn’t date anyone with kids, as I don’t have any myself. Well, I went against my own advice and dated someone with 3 kids. I’m 28, in school, like to travel, go out with friends. We dated just for a month, nothing serious, never even met the kids. I really liked him and thought it would be fine, but there was always a schedule when the kids will visit him, I had to work around. I always paid for everything because his money went to his kids. Of course I expected his kids to come first, but it wasn’t an ideal situation for me. I didn’t want to cheat myself out of being young, independant, no kids responsibilities of my own and experiencing life still. So I know exactly what you mean. I also want to have my first child with someone who can experience “the first” time with me too. 

You just really need to think if this is really right for you. Will you be happy in the next 5yrs, even a year later in this situation. You have to think about yourself and also you don’t want to resent his children for not having the life you ideally wanted. Its a huge decision and life changing. Hope it turns out well for you. 

Post # 4
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

My situation is the exact opposite. I have three kids…teenagers at that!

It is never easy but marrying (or even just loving) someone with kids means that you have to accept the whole package. That includes understanding that situations change and children may change households (in either direction) at any time for a multitude of reasons…financial, medical, even death. If someone can’t accept this then there will be issues in the marriage that only a change of heart will fix. Children cannot be set aside (not saying that you are saying this).

What I don’t understand is why you think you will be deprived of the ‘first-time’ experience of having a child with your husband? Yes, he does have children already but you already knew that before you married him and accepted it. Why the change? As well, did you not have a wedding or consider it ‘secondhand’ when you married your husband because he had been married before? Probably not…and the same things goes for any children you have with him. 

 

Post # 6
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry your feeling that way. I’ve never been in that situation but I can totally understand your feelings.  Sometimes us girls who are dreamers and spend a lot of time picturing what the future looks like in detail can set us up for disappointment.  I think it is ok to feel what your feeling but don’t let it ruin what you have.  Try and find whatever good there is in the situation since you can’t change anything. And when you are finally pregnant it will be the FIRST time your husband has a baby with you.  It will feel totally different to him this time around for him. And maybe once there is a baby you will feel more of a strong family bond with your step children since they will be blood siblings to your baby.  

Post # 7
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@atgwte:  “Yea I always knew he had children but kids for me were the furthest thing from my mind”

How is it even possible to marry someone with kids and have kids be the furthest thing from your mind? I guess I don’t understand how that’s possible?

Post # 8
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I get it. You signed up for a full time husband and holiday break kids. I think it’s normal to be frustrated or jealous, but you did go into it knowing he was a packaged deal…I understand that the package got more difficult but it’s a risk in a long term relationship.

I think something incredibly important is to decide if this is something you can get over and live with in a way that won’t make you become resentful of him and his kids. They are better off without you than with a depressed or angry you who ends up blaming what you percieve are missed experiences on them. 

If you can’t let this go, there’s no shame. I personally would really hate missing being a newlywed to skip to family mode. A fellow bride to be is madly in love with her soon to be stepdaughter and is giddy with the insta-fam. To each their own. You just have to do what makes the best sense for all four parties involved.  You signed on for everything with this man- that means his kids too regardless of the changed circumstances. Decide if these circumstances have changed your mind about being with him forever.

 

Best of luck!

Post # 11
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

It sounds like you got used to things being a certain way and now that the situation has changed, you’re upset. It’s understandable but at the same time being upset is not going to change it. Did your husband ever discuss any of these possibilities with you before you got married? I feel he did you and your marriage a great disservice if he didn’t.

My FH knows the possibilities. My children are with us full time and although unlikely that could change. My oldest child has some major issues which makes things difficult but we have to deal with it…she’s my daughter and until she leaves that the way it is.

Also, I am past having babies. My FH would love to have his own children and he would make an amazing father but short of winning the lottery (so I can hire a housekeeper/nanny), there will be no more babies coming out of this body! I was very upfront about this from the beginning though…to the point of telling him that if he wanted children then he was with the wrong person. His response was that he’d rather be with me without babies than without ME!

Having a baby with your husband will not be a secondhand experience for either of you. Every child is special even if it’s your tenth with the same two parents! I understand grieving the fact that you’ve lost something that you had planned on but if you open up your heart to this new situation I believe you will gain way more in return.

Post # 12
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

It almost sounds like you’re just going to try to tolerate the kids until they are old enough to move out. You’re going to be a step mother to these children. Especially since they will be living with you 100% of the time. You are going to play a huge role in their lives as a mother figure. I understand you don’t want to lose the man that you love over an “ideal” lifestyle you wanted, but the man that you love is attached to 2 children as well, forever! I’m just going off by what you’re writting, in no way trying to “attack” or belittle you. It doesn’t sound like you care for his kids and you just want them out of the way to be with him. Hopefully one day you can see them as part of your family too and love them as your own. I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with his kids, if you even like them or not. I may be wrong, but I didn’t see you mention anything about you caring for his kids or what’s in their best interest. You just mention how much you love him, but don’t mention anything about loving his kids and he’s a package deal. 

Post # 13
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@atgwte:  stop comparing yourself to your friends. Jealousy robs you from appreciating what you have. 

Post # 14
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Luayne:  +1 good point

Post # 15
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@karineh:  +1 I dont know why we put ourselves in situations and dont look at the big picture…such as he married you because he loves you…I am sorry to say but you need to growup and put your big girl panties on. This is what it means to be an adult (make decisions, put your feeling aside when what you are thinking is something within (short comings, low self esteem, or wanting to be the first), play the hand you have dealt yourself.

Post # 16
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m sorry that things did not turn out to be what you thought they would, but you had to have known that the kids living with you full time was a possibility, no? I don’t really understand your timeline, but it sounds like the kids were already with you when you choose to go through with the marriage. Also it seems like you got married a year and a half ago? If so, what happened recently to cause you to feel this way? Are one or both of the kids being especially difficult lately? What changed between when you first got married and now?

I’m really hoping for your sake and the kids that all this resentment and jealousy you’re feeling is temporary. You’re not going to be able to change the past, so in order to not be miserable you’re going to have to accept your situation for what it is or leave your husband. I’d hate to see you throw away your marriage over something that you knew before entering into it.

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