Post # 1
I have the best significant other. He’s so caring and respectful. We have a wonderful, solid relationship, we have a ton in common, and I can definitely see spending my life with him. I love him so much.
But due to my own insecurities, and as we move closer to taking the next step, the thought of marriage is really giving me anxiety lately.
How do I make someone happy for the next 50 years? What if he feels differently in 10 years? What if he gets bored? What if he wakes up down the road and regrets marrying me? What if somebody better for him comes along? What if I end up not being the wife he imagined having?
He hasn’t given me a reason to not trust him with my heart. He hasn’t given me one reason to think he isn’t completely over the moon for me. But it’s still terrifying to me as of late. Putting everything into one person for forever.
Are these feelings normal? How can I work through them? Should I talk to my significant other about these fears and insecurities?
Post # 3
@APerfectSonnet913: For sure talk to him! It’s not like you are saying that you don’t want to marry him, but it is perfectly normal to have some anxiety! I’m sure if you sit down and talk with him he will make you feel 100 times better 🙂
Post # 4
@APerfectSonnet913: I think you’re already on the right track because you want to make him happy for the next fifty years. You’re not like “oh it’s just whatever”. You have the right mindset. If you guys already have a wonderful relationship, just keep up the good work girl 😉
Post # 5
What you are experiencing is normal and I dont think there is any woman on this website that hasnt had those feelings at least once during their dating, engagement, and marriage. I can say talk him and express those feelings and the talk will make you feel better and it wont feel so overwhelming.
I had the exact same feelings and when I discuss them with my Fiance he was very supportive and patient with me and said that he understands why I am having those feelings. He said that it has to do with trusting that is hard when you have been hurt by men in your past. I am here to love you and be the person you can depend on and all I want to do is live the rest of my life with you and only you.
It made me feel better because I could talk to him about my feels and not feel that he would think I dont want to marry him because I have doubt. He said as times goes on and I see that has made his decision and if we have an argument or dont agree that it would not dimish his feelings for me because a committment means through thick and thin until the end.
I send you a big hug because I know it is scary learning to trust and put faith in the relationship and know that he loves you no matter what.
Post # 6
This is normal. I had similar questions, and that just means you want to make sure he is always happy with you. There are going to be changes in your relationship for sure. Some bad some good, but as long as you and your husband communicate and grow together you will be fine. Creating a maintain a deep connection from day one is important for any relationship.
Always keep the lines of communication open and honest.
Post # 7
I think it’s normal to feel anxiety about marriage in general. I would be worried if you were anxious about marrying your SO specifically. Meg Keene’s A Practical Wedding has a section called “Cold Feet.”
Here’s an excerpt, since I think she said it best:
“It’s important to differentiate between ‘I’m not sure I want to marry this person’ and ‘Hoo-boy. Marriage is scary.’…And of course we freak out when we ponder questions like ‘How long is forever?’ and ‘What if we don’t get along in 50 years?’ Those questions scare us because they don’t have an answer, no matter how long we think about them, and there is nothing we can do to solve the problems they pose.
“…I had a realization: my marriage is not forever. My marriage is for today. I suddenly understood what we can do is look around our life and figure out how our relationship is doing right now. If it’s good, it’s good. If it’s not, we can take actions to fix it. But there is nothing that can be done about thirty years from now, other than to take care of each other in this moment.”
In general, Meg Keene seems to have a lot of good advice about all the aspects of wedding planning, including the emotional ones, so I’d really recommend it.
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
So here’s what you do… you talk through all of those fears and concerns with your partner. You talk about them until you are blue in the face. And then you throw them all straight out of the window because there is no use worrying about who you may or may not become in 50 years. You put on your blinders and you focus on choosing each other each and every day, and taking whatever life throws at you as a team. Otherwise you just get paralyzed by the what ifs, and that is no way to live.
Post # 9
@APerfectSonnet913: Congrats: you’re normal 🙂 I agree, we have ALL felt this way at some point.
“What if he feels differently in 10 years? What if he gets bored? What if he wakes up down the road and regrets marrying me? What if somebody better for him comes along? What if I end up not being the wife he imagined having?”
ALL of the above-mentioned things could happen. But guess what? They are almost 100% out of your control. Just keep doing what you know is right and treat him with loyalty and love. What more CAN you do? You cannot control others, only yourself 🙂
Post # 10
For me just time and living together and really sharing a life long term ended those fears. Every year that passes and we’re still in love and happy, the more confident I feel that this will last long term. We don’t plan to get engaged before we’ve been together five years minimum and not married till around seven years or more, maybe you just need more time to find out and reassure yourself that you will be happy in the long run
Post # 11
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
You are not responsible for making him happy, that is his own job. You can do things that make him happy and help support him in many ways.
The biggest lesson I took away from my divorce was that if my ex husband couldn’t make himself happy, then I had zero chance of making him happy. I realized that I spent our entire relationship trying to make him happy while I always ended up miserable.
Post # 12
Wow, thank you guys. These are some very encouraging responses and I already feel better. I think I’ll talk to him tonight about it, though I’m sure I’ll end up a blubbery mess.
I also felt like I shouldn’t be feeling these emotions because so many women are all “I never questioned anything! Everything has just felt so right from the beginning and I had zero doubts about marriage!” I’m glad to know my feelings are normal.
Post # 13
I had the exact same freak out scenario going through my head. Realising i was commited to spending the rest of my life with someone, giving them my all, the absolute power to break me. What if they got bored or realised im not ‘the one’ I decided i needed to talk with my OH about it and as it turned out, he had the same worries as I did. Realising he had similar worries made me realised i had nothing to worry about, because clearly he was in it as much as i am. I can tell you now i am no worries and feel more secure in our relationship
Post # 14
I think it is all about you two.If you like each other and do the necessary adjustments there is no reason for dislikes.