(Closed) Is it normal to have doubts/concerns?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Have you been in this situation?

    Yes, and it worked out fine! You can work through it!

    Yes, and it didn't work out. Sometimes people are too different.

    No, but I would work it out.

    No, but I think you are right to be concerned.

    Other! Please explain!

  • Post # 2
    Member
    492 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    I don’t think those are small problems you’re blowing out of proportion. Those are major issues in a relationship that you don’t see eye to eye on (finances, child rearing).  He’s demonstrating a lack of responsibility (still borrowing $$ from parents, prioritizing getting drunk over saving or providing basic preventative care for a pet) and major character/integrity issues with evasive/deceptive behavior (IRS, Cuba… who knows what else?!)

    I think your intuition is telling you what’s up – listen to it!!

    Post # 3
    Member
    7594 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I believe everyone is capable of change, but THEY have to be the one to enact the change, no one else can make it happen. It doesn’t sound like your SO feels that he has any need of changing his ways, which would concern me, because his values seem so at odds with yours. (You believe in hard work and responsibility for its own sake, he believes in working to play and has no problem cutting corners when possible, like with the IRS, the Cuba trip, etc. Your views on parenting are also obviously very very different.)

    I’m not saying his values make him an awful person–it just means that he is very different from you in many crucial ways. I would not marry this guy unless you can make peace with how he is now, today, because most likely that is how he will always be. If you can’t make peace with it then you need to think about moving on. Again it doesn’t mean he’s a bad person…it’s just an example of the age old truth that love alone isn’t enough to make a marriage work.

    Also the dog thing is a huge red flag. 🙁

    Post # 4
    Member
    353 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2019

    I agree with pp, these aren’t small issues, these are major red flags.  A relationship can’t survive if you opinions on important things don’t aline 

    – I would be seriously worried by his spending as after your married his debt becomes yours and youll likely end up financing his life style choices. 

    – He is allowed his opinions about raising children (though he sounds like he’d be an awful parent) and I dont see you guys reaching a compromise on what he views as ‘normal family activities’

    – He seems very selfish if he is priotizing getting drunk over the welfare of his pet. That’s completely irresponsible and shows a severe lack of maturity.

    – He also seems to have very questionable morals if he is willing to lie about taxes (something that could easily backfire in years to come).

    – He seems to have no real drive to be a success, he sounds like he’s still acting like an immature 18 yr old not an adult. 

    Personally I’d break up with someone on the basis of just one of these things. With all of them I’d be running as fast as I could. I’m sure you could find someone so much better. Don’t let your past make you settle for a man who isn’t worthy of your love and respect.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by  missmagpie.
    Post # 5
    Member
    11373 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    I’m not sure I can read past refusing to get heart worm protection for his poor dog.  That’s just plain cruel & irresponsible.  

     

    Post # 6
    Member
    6949 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    You can like someone, you can get along with them, you can even love them and still not be compatible.  You two aren’t on the same page, you’re not in the same book.  You will absolutely regret staying in this place – are you the one who will have to compromise on all of these issues, cause it sure doesn’t sound like he’s willing to change.

    What happens when you file your taxes as married and get audited when he’s falsified information and signed it?  What happens when lice is plaguing the school but he just has to go see that concert and he had lice and came out just fine with a turpentine wash on his head or by being shaved bald?  What about the thrill he gets from breaking or bending the law?  When he’s in jail, he isn’t going to be supporting you or your family.  You will be doing it all on your own.  What if he realizes you’re not going to spank the kid for doing wrong so takes matters into his own hands?  Or if he takes a trip with your child to the grandparents, stops off in a casino on the way to play, drops the kid into the arcade and 2 hours later realizes the child has wandered off because it doesn’t have to listen to dad anyway?  Plus as you said, it’s poor role modeling overall – he will state his beliefs about child rearing, taxes, travling to highly politicized countries and everything else, making his feelings loud and clear – and the more confident you sound in those areas, the more likely an impressionable child will believe them as well. 

    Also remember the way he treats his pet is the way he will treat his child – not going to the doctor, not getting their shots in a timely manner, maybe not registering for school or bringing him in tardy all the time (there are so many parents who do the tardy thing where I work and it’s not at all good for the children), swinging by the fast food joint for meals b/c it’s easier, etc.

    As always, only you can decide but I’d run for it. Be friends if you wish, but don’t be a partner. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    774 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    JSol24:  You said you guys talk through things really well. How has he responded when you bring up these concerns to him?

    Post # 8
    Member
    1595 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    I think it’s pretty normal to have some little “doubts”, but the things you’ve explained would not be considered little things to me. Your SO sounds exactly like my ex, to be honest. He was loving and caring, and I really thought he was the one at one point. We discussed marriage and him moving a few hours away to live with me..but I’m so glad it was all talk. I had doubts early on in this relationship, but I just figured they were things I could learn to get over.

    His finances were the biggest of these worries for me. He spent at least $100 (normally more) every weekend on beer/drinks at the bar, while not having a reliable car, owing money to his parents who he borrowed from, and being in collections on several credit cards and other accounts (I did not know about the collections until near the end). During one time, the water was shut off at his house, so he spent his last $20 to buy a case of beer to drink rather than put that $20 toward the water bill. His reasoning was that he wouldn’t be able to pay the whole thing until payday, so he just needed to have something to drink, WTF?

    He also had children, so I saw how he was as a father. During the beginning he seemed like a great dad, but as time went on I saw his true parenting qualities. We did not agree on certain parenting topics, but I kept silent because they were his kids, not mine. Drinking on the weekends was more important than spending time with his children, and it sounds like your SO may end up being the same way. We took one trip with his kids, and we ended up eating dinner WAY too late (had his kids up past 11:00 while they were tired and needed to be in bed), wanted to go to the casino early in the morning while I stayed in the hotel pool with his kids, etc. Sounds a lot like what your SO explaned family vacations for him. 

    Now my current SO is a different situation. Yes, I do have little things that make me upset about him but it’s more so things like “Do I really want to spend my life with someone who can’t put the toilet seat down?” or “Do I want to put up with someone as stubborn and hard headed as he can be at times?”..and I always end up answering “YES, of course I do!”

    I’d run, not walk, out of that situation. You will find someone that is much more compatible for you. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    216 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    View original reply
    skunktastic:  this!!

    View original reply
    JSol24:  it’s fine to have a friendship type relationship with this guy but don’t let it go any further than that. The biggest concern to me is that you mentioned that he isn’t honest on his taxes. That isn’t something you can keep hidden forever. Sooner or later the government will find out and when they do, you can bet they’ll come after him. If you marry him, his financial burdens also become your financial burden. Whatever affects him will also affect you. I have a co-worker whose husband is currently serving time in work release for tax evasion and fraud and she’s barely able to keep her head above the water. She has to pay for her rent, food, car insurance, gas, etc. AND pay for his rent at the work release center (not cheap at all) and his other expenses. She says she wouldn’t wish her struggle on anybody. You don’t want to go through the same thing. If you want anything long-term with this guy, make sure it’s as friends only. 

     

    Post # 10
    Member
    3305 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    These are not “small problems”. They are enormous and have the capability to become gargantuan. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    11373 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    View original reply
    JSol24:  

    Seriously?  He’s too stupid to grasp the concept of heartworm?  Sorry, OP.  I don’t buy it.  I won’t call it ‘malicious’ per se either, but irresponsible to the nth degree.  He should NOT own a pet.  I am livid about this.  Can you at least get the poor dog to the vet for a heartworm test & get him started on prevention, if he’s lucky enough to be negative?

    Post # 15
    Member
    11373 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    View original reply
    JSol24:  

    OP, I get the sense that an enormous percentage of your energy goes into analyzing this guy & making excuses for him.

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