- 4 years ago
Hey Bees… Mostly I lurk but I’m feeling really torn lately and I could use some help. Sorry this might be a bit long…
I spent a long time trying to fix myself after some pretty awful emotionally abusive relationships. I’m finally in an amazing relationship with a great guy who I love very much. One of my favorite things about our relationship is that we talk things through really well. While we fight sometimes (like anyone) we always come out of it stronger and closer and we usually don’t continue to have the same problem. My SO is sweet, and kind, and caring and for the most part I feel like we have a really great relationship. But I’ve been starting to have some concerns about us long term.
The way he spends money and his financial decisions are really worrying. Yes, I know he is an adult and can spend his money however he wants, but considering we are talking about marriage etc, his financial issues could become mine. He is in his mid 30s and still routinely borrows money from his parents. He has not started saving for retirement at all. He does not have health insurance, doesn’t take his dog to the vet unless it’s an acute issue (meaning his dog hasn’t had heartworm protection (we live on the gulf coast where there is high heartworm prevalence) or a rabies vaccine in YEARS because he refuses to pay for the exam and tests) because he “doesn’t have the money” yet spends hundreds of dollars on concerts, sporting events, and other entertainment. I’ve also found out that he’s slightly less than honest on his taxes and claims “federal income tax only goes to pay the IRS salary anyway.” (I choked on my drink when he said that)
Another concern is career wise. He owns his own business and teaches at a local community college. He’s also written a small local book about our area. He had another idea for a research project involving Cuba that was really fantastic and I think would make a great book. However, apparently he only wants to SAY that’s why he wants to go to Cuba, because you can’t go for tourism. I tried to encourage him to follow through with it anyway as it’s such a good idea, but he made it clear he had no intention of doing that. I pointed out that was fraud but he thought that made it more exciting. He seems very content to just skate along doing the bare minimum. And I guess that would bother me less if there was something he was working toward, or something outside of work that he was passionate about, even a hobby, but from where I’m sitting the point of him making money is to go out and get drunk and spend it on other leisure activities. It’s like to him the whole point of life is to be as completely hedonistic as possible. I feel like there’s more to life.
His attitudes toward a lot of these things are extra concerning because we want kids. I’m really concerned about what he would be modeling for them. He has some parenting style issues that also concern me. For example, he 100% believes in spanking. I do not. At all. There are endless peer reviewed studies that show how it has no benefit and can actually cause a lot of damage. His response is that “he turned out fine.” In some ways it might be a moot point because in his family the mother does the spanking, so in his mind it would be up to her (me) but at the same time it really bothers me that he feels that way. The way he grew up, family vacations, from what he’s said his dad would go gamble and he would go play arcade games, instead of actually spending time together as a family. And he thinks that is perfectly okay. We also recently saw some SUPER responsible parenting (sarcasm) where we were out somewhere past 11PM and this poor 4 year old is passed out on a table with her mom not caring at all just out doing her thing. I pointed it out and he didn’t see a problem because “well that’s what my parents did and it’s not like it’s a school night.” But it’s about putting your child’s needs before your wants. I’ve also seen some concerning things with his dog (who he calls his child). He spoils him (which is fine on some level) but does not discipline him at all. Because he is “hard headed and doesn’t listen” so he just gives up and lets him run wild. You can’t do that with your kid! Consistency is key with kids just like it is with dogs! You can’t just give up because it’s hard!
I have a few other concerns but I think those might be the biggest :-/
Maybe I’m blowing a lot of small problems way out of proportion and I should just relax. He is aware of my concerns and is ready to talk about them whenever, but thinks I should focus on finishing up school and not get distracted right now. He’s reiterated how much he loves me and that he’s not going anywhere, and that no matter what to know he loves me and I’ve done so much for him. I love him, and I love our relationship. And sometimes I feel like we can work through it, and others I feel like I know it’s not going to work out forever. Any advice guys?