(Closed) is it normal to have feelings for an ex?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
485 posts
Helper bee

I would personally not be okay with my Boyfriend or Best Friend having such feelings for an ex, because I consider it to be emotional unfaithfulness.

Also, I don’t think it’s normal to have strong feelings for someone you broke up with six years ago either.

The question you need to ask is; how would you feel if your Fiance told you that he had such feelings for another woman?

Post # 4
Member
4150 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

What I can tell you is that I still THINK about my ex, but can’t say I have feelings for him.  This could be because he cheated on me after being together for 5 years, and he also lives in another city so I never talk to him or see him.  Who’s to say something wouldn’t spark up if I saw him again (although I’m pretty certain it wouldn’t, you just never know what your heart’s going to do.) 

I don’t think it’s right that you still have feelings for him, but at the same time, you can’t help who you have feelings for.  But if you think you’re going to act on them, I would either distance yourself from your ex – cut off all communications, OR break it off with your Fiance.  It’s not fair to your Fiance, and I’m sure he was really hurt.  You’ve been with him for so long, and he’s probably confused as to why you’re still seeing your ex.  I’m glad you told him though, at least you’re not hiding it.

I don’t really have any other advice, except follow your heart, but your ex is an ex for a reason.

Post # 5
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

In my opinion, an ex is an ex for a reason. There are reasons the two of you didn’t work out and it didn’t last. Unfortunately those reasons don’t usually change or go away although at first it may seem like they have.

There is always an excitement when someone new or familiar takes an interest in you again and let’s face it, it feels good to be wanted by someone. But you have to remember what drove you apart from him in the first place. And you have to remember what you have now.

I think it’s normal to have some kind of feelings or fondness for your ex, afterall you were together and shared good memories for some of your relationship. But I don’t think it’s normal to the extent that you are describing. I think you are letting yourself get caught up in the past (just going on what you have posted). Good Luck.

Post # 6
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think its normal to have strong feelings for an ex like that. Its ok to hope for their well being but him and his drug addiction should not be your concern over your fiance. Its not right to spend time with your ex if you both have feelings for each other. You resisted him trying to kiss you this time but you might not be able to next time. I would take yourself out of that situation and eliminate the possibility of doing something you would regret.

If you are sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with your fiance then cut ties with this ex. But if you are sure about your finance, then it seems that your ex shouldn’t be on your mind like this.

Im sorry your are feeling this way and are confused. Hope you figure everything out for the best! Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I can appreciate that you want to help your ex, but you need to set firm guidelines with him. If he wants your help to stay clean, he needs to know that the two of you can only be FRIENDS – that he cannot tell you he loves you, and especially cannot try to kiss you. You need to set boundaries, and stick to them.

Having been cheated on in the past, for me personally, the emotional part was 10000000x worse than the physical part. To know that the person I loved had fallen in love with someone else, and loved them more than they loved me was much more of a blow than if he had just had a physical fling and been sorry about it. I know not everyone feels the same way, and I understand from your post that you love your FH, but you also said you found it hard to resist your ex’s advances. If you can’t draw those boundaries with your ex and stick with them, and honestly feel that it is very difficult not to kiss your ex back, and find yourself developing feelings for him again, then I think you really need to reevaluate your relationship with your FH, and remove yourself from BOTH situations until you can figure out what you truly want.

I sometimes think about my ex, but I do not have romantic feelings for him. If I found that he truly needed my help, I would help him – but I would make it clear to him what the boundaries are, and that a condition of getting my help is that he cannot cross those boundaries. If he cannot respect your relationship, then he is not really respecting you, which I would be very suspect of. Good luck.

Post # 8
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I’m w/ what BellsforHer said.  I would be extremely hurt/upset if I found out my Darling Husband had feelings for an ex from 6 years ago, so I can see why your comments hurt your Fiance.  Turn the situation around on you.  What if it was your Fiance that was hanging out with an ex and then told you how he felt?  It would probably be pretty tough.  Darling Husband and I made the agreement that we would always be eachother’s #1 priorities.  The day that someone else or their problems starting creating havoc and pushing us apart would be the day we would have to re-evaluate the relationship with the person causing problems.  It sounds like you need to do this with your ex.  Is helping him through a hard time worth the risk of losing your relationship with your future husband?  If it’s not, maybe it’s time to cut ties and face the fact that he should find help elsewhere, maybe even counseling. 

Post # 9
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m sorry you didn’t consult the hive before telling your Fiance how you feel. I think the general consesus would have been that there is no reason to hurt him. (I know this, becasue I asked a similar question a few months ago).

That said, your drug addicted ex dosen’t love you. Addicts will say that because they are distrubed, sad, lonely and alone and feel like worm food.
He is using you for sympathy, empathy and whatever else he can get out of you.

I know this, too, because my ex was addicted to alcohol. Please forget him and go live happily ever after.

HUGS!

Post # 10
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I have very complicated feelings toward one of my exes.  I’m not sure if I ever really loved him, but we had a very dysfunctional and emotionally charged relationship…I still struggle with some of the things that happened, and the way we treated each other…so I still think about him more than I’d like.  I don’t know if that is normal or not, either.

BUT, if this ex ever called me to hang out I would say no.  I agree that you have to either cut off all contact with this ex… ALL contact… b/c it is disrespectful and hurtful to your Fiance… I mean this man tried to kiss you…. or else break up with your Fiance.

Post # 12
Member
2309 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Good I think you’re making the right choice distancing yourself from your ex. That situation could of only end badly. And you may have been doing more harm to your relationship than help to your ex.

Good Luck and make sure you go out of your way to show your Fiance he’s the one you choose and love, I could imagine how hurt he must have been hearing whats going on.

Post # 13
Member
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I sent you a PM!

Post # 14
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think feelings for someone you loved ever really 100% go away. My ex and I ended on really bad terms (I cheated) and I don’t know how my feelings for him will ever fully go away, or the whole feeling of “what could have been”, even though I love my SO with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life, my first love will always be my first love.

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