(Closed) Is it normal to spend Christmas apart after getting married?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 32
Member
202 posts
Helper bee

Spend Christmas day seperately and celebrate with each other before/after. Win – win.

Post # 33
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee

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jas34:  Ok this makes it sound like your husband doesn’t understand anxiety at all. You really should go to some sort of couples counceling because what he did there was not ok. For one, you were left alone with strangers, which he should have known would bother you. And second, you expressed to him that you were concerned for how to act and he gave you no advice and then left you in the room. I’m not sure if he thought that would help you to feel more comfortable around his siblings or what.

Yes, you need to learn how to be more comfortable around his family, but until then he needs to be more understanding. Like someone else said: you’re his wife, you’re his priority (within reason).

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by cmm067.
Post # 34
Member
462 posts
Helper bee

I think its fine to spend Christmas apart. I only spend Christmas with my partner and his family every second year because my family live in another country. We’ve had this arrangement for almost 10 years, and you can also skype each other on Xmas. 

I have a disabled aunt, and i think what you’ve said about your partner’s disabled siblings is somewhat offensive. You married into this family so you need to learn to accept them as your own family. Personally i don’t think anxiety is a good enough reason to discriminate against disabled people, regardless of what ‘gross’ habits you may think they have. But on the flip side, its good that you are going to therapy to help you get over it so good luck with that. 

 

Post # 35
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I respect that anxiety is a real and often debilitating condition. I believe that you suffer from it. But a developmental disability is no less a “handicap” than your anxiety disorder. You know the frustration you feel when someone blows off your anxiety or panic attacks? Right now you are on the other side of that. It’s acceptable to have in your situation, but it’s unacceptable to be completely avoidant of your trigger – certain people. If your anxiety was around, say, black people, it may be a very real case of anxiety, but it wouldn’t stop people from being justified in calling you racist if you refused to interact with a black person in a store, at a holiday, etc.

Splitting up holiday time sucks for a lot of people so I empathize with you there. But I want to point out that the way you describe you future siblings strikes me as somehow lesser than you’d talk about neurotypical people. I work with individuals with a wide range of physical and intellectual disabilities. They have distinct and interesting personalities, even ones who drool and speak “gibberish.” Have some empathy – this person is desperately trying to communicate to no avail. Of course that’s not your fault, but it’d be frustrating for any person. And he’s a person.

Spending time with your FI’s siblings is not negotiable whether it’s this Christmas or not. People with disabilities are often treated as second class citizens. Get to know them, have their family tell you their favorite story about them, think about what it’s like to be in their shoes. Seeing them as people – as family – is probably going to help your anxiety. Something has to, because they’re a package deal with your future husband.

Post # 36
Member
1974 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

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jas34:  I’m offended. Does your fiancé know that his siblings make you feel sick and you don’t want to be around them? They sound like an amazing family. There’s obviously a lot of love there, but you’re too blind to see it. I would LOVE to spend christmas with them! You need to work on this, because your attitude towards your fiancé’s family (by the way, when you get married they become your family too) is disgusting. I have anxiety, and it’s no excuse for discrimination.

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karrotcakes:  “No one likes being around disabled people…” Not everybody discriminates. You’re as offensive and narrow-minded as OP.

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rebeccasum:  
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cmm067:  I have anxiety. It is absolutely awful. Having social anxiety is very different to having anxiety around disabled people. It’s shitty. It’s discriminative, hurtful, hateful, selfish and immature. I generally empathise with people who suffer from anxiety because I suffer from it myself, my diagnosis was severe. But if your anxiety ties in with racism, sexism, homophobia and/or discrimination, then you need to get over that shit ASAP because there is no excuse. I don’t tolerate that, and nor should anybody else.

Post # 38
Member
225 posts
Helper bee

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jas34:  I don’t know if this would be too difficult, but is it possible to have both families celebrate the holiday together? 

Post # 39
Member
3936 posts
Honey bee

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jas34:  

I can see how that visit was upsetting. I’d personally be majorly miffed at my BF for leaving me alone with his siblings (unknown to me) and with their potential medical needs (also unknown to me) and I’d have discussed that at length with him.

Would you be willing to have him join you for some counseling sessions with your current therapist? Would he be willing? Your anxieties require some care-giving know-how on his part and he needs to learn.

 

Post # 40
Member
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Are you planning to have children? How will the holidays work out long term if you can’t find a compromise to celebrate together? It won’t be fair to his family if they never see the grandkids because you take them to your family for holidays, and vice versa. And as a mother, will you be willing to spend a holiday without your kids so he can take them to his family celebrations? And how will you explain that to your child in a way that doesn’t negatively influence their own view of his family? As a mother what if your own child has a disability?

I think if it’s just the two of you – to each his own, spend the holidays apart IF that works for you both (is he ok with this stance of yours?) However if you plan to bring children into the mix this will likely become very problematic long term if you can’t overcome your issues and compromise on this. 

I hope you are able to make progress in your anxiety. 

Post # 42
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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jas34:  I think that’s a conversation you should have with your Fiance about your desire to build a relationship with his siblings and your fear of doing something wrong and the need for him to help you. You’re in unfamiliar territory and he should understand this.

 

Post # 43
Member
9754 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I’m not sure why you can’t split the holiday and do one half with your family and one half with his. That would be the most fair thing to do. And I wouldn’t consider it normal to spend the holiday apart but who am I to judge?

We are 4 hours away from FIs family but still manage to see both halves on Christmas. 

Post # 45
Member
9754 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I would say it sounds like you spent Christmas with your family last year so if you were planning on alternating then it would be your turn to spend it with his family this year. Just make it clear next year you plan to be with your family.

I would also really try to work on your issues with his family or decide if this is the family for you to marry into. What happens if something happens to his parents and you have to take in one of his siblings permanently? This is something families do for one another when tragedy strikes and it’s always a possibility. Are you prepared for that if it should happen?

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