(Closed) Is it normal to spend Christmas apart after getting married?

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 46
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I think if you and your fiance are fine with spending Christmas apart then you should. I do not plan on spending any major holiday with my husband’s family. I think it’s really important to spend that time with your family, I’ll see him everyday so spending one day apart is not a big issue to me.

Post # 47
Member
9262 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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jas34:  “I was sitting there gagging uncontrollably” — Is this actually true? You were really sitting there gagging uncontrollably because you were so grossed out by the people you were with? And you just stayed there gagging uncontrollably in front of them? For a half hour? Did it not occur to you to go to the bathroom maybe? Or find your fiance? I have to believe you’re exaggering to try to make yourself sound more sympathetic, execpt it’s not working. It is not ok to sit there with disabled people gagging uncontrollably at their disabilities. “Anxiety” does not excuse this. If your fiance left you alone for a half hour with his family whom you had never met before, then he’s a big dickhole regardless if they’re disabled or not. But using that as an excuse for why you shouldn’t have to be subjected to their presence again is just as shitty. Your follow-ups are not making you sound better.

Post # 48
Member
1832 posts
Buzzing bee

 

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cmbr:  
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Daisy_Mae:  Unfortunately coming to this late and she has deleted her other posts.  don’t know what the other issues are but I’m thinking there should have been some premarital counseling done here.

 

Post # 49
Member
1832 posts
Buzzing bee

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cmbr:  
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Daisy_Mae:  Unfortunately coming to this late and she has deleted her other posts.  don’t know what the other issues are but I’m thinking there should have been some premarital counseling done here.

Post # 50
Member
4232 posts
Honey bee

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Daisy_Mae:  

May I ask why you have to believe she’s exaggering? I’ve seen plenty of panic attacks in my day with people who suffer from anxiety, so I believe that this exchange could have happened. While sure, I’ve met plenty of people who exaggerate. fwiw

 

Post # 51
Member
1159 posts
Bumble bee

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karrotcakes:  ‘”no one likes spending time with disabled people” are you serious!? How can you think it is even slightly acceptable to say something as discriminatory and offensive?! My husband has a disability and I can’t think of a single person I would rather spend time with than him. Go out and educate yourself.

Post # 53
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

Hi there, 

So you have social anxiety, I get that.  Things that make you uncomfortable worsen your anxiety, also noted.  You are marrying into a family that makes you uncomfortable.  You are putting yourself in a position that is going to worsen your social anxiety –  hence, worsen your quality of life.

As other PP’s have said, girlfriend you need to get yourself in check before you can commit to marrying this man and his family.  They must be really amazing people to have adopted children with such handicaps.  If you are not on board with this and literally cannot physically be around these people, that is entirely your issue and not your FIs.

You are looking for validation that doing the easier and more comfortable thing for you makes sense, and I don’t think you’re going to get it here.  There could be a lot of reasons for your anxiety, you might need medication, you might need therapy, probably both.  Regardless, it is extremely unfair for you not to spend holidays with your Fiance because of YOUR issues. I would be understanding to certain limit if I were him, but if you’ve spent every other Christmas with your family I think you need to spend it with his, and then you can alternate.  This issue is not going to go away without work.

Post # 54
Member
3416 posts
Sugar bee

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jas34:  I recommend getting treated for your anxiety because if you have kids, you will be covered in drool for the first few years.

Post # 55
Member
6801 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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jas34:  It may not be normal, but we still spend Christmas apart.  His family lives west coast, mine east coast and we’re in between.  Neither one of us wants to miss out – we can start doing it on our own or swapping coasts once we have kids.  Until then, we’re splitting up.  No big deal though -admittedly we started LDR so we’re used to that stuff.  Growing up my mom is Jewish, dad non practicing Catholic, so splitting holidays was easy peasy as well.

Regarding gagging from drool – wow this thread took a weird turn – I still gag touching kids’ boogers with a tissue, so I totally know how you feel.  Supposedly it’s something you adjust to when you have kids of your own.  I don’t yet, so who knows?  Stretchy wet boogers are disgusting.  And saliva is far worse as it smells horrid.  I work with kids with disabilities, I’ve been around it all.  It’s nasty and that’s okay as long as you can treat that person like a human being anyway. We’re not all meant to tolerate the grosser things in life and it hardly makes you a bad person.

Post # 56
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

I think the reason most long-term couples don’t spend holidays apart is that it would be prioritizing their families of origin over their new family unit with each other. Holidays aside, the bigger problem I see with your post is that you seem to think the solution for you is just to avoid his family indefinitely. I think that will be very difficult, and will become a major problem in your relationship, even if it isn’t right now.

Post # 57
Member
3026 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I don’t think you wanting to be your family is an issue on the holiday. I do think you expecting him to only consider your side or to stay home with you is a little messed up though.

Regardless of how close he is to his family, they are his family and he must want to remain in contact with them if he wants to see them periodically. Holidays are still an important time for all families to be together. So if it’s important for him to see his this year then you should let him have that whether you go or not.Also, I think it’s unfair to compare your families such as where you say your family is more than welcoming. Nothing about what you wrote says his family isn’t welcoming. They can’t control limited space.

When I was young, I felt very uncomfortable and nervous around my aunt whom is mentally disabled. She would make very abrupt movements with her hands and talk to herself in empty rooms. As a small child, this scared me. However, the only thing that helped me learn and get comfortable was by being in the situation. If you’re experiencing a huge amount of anxiety and gagging from drool then you should really be seeing a doctor. I would never suggest you just throw yourself into the situation but it is something I would be working with a professional on to figure out how to integrate yourself into. Maybe a professional can recommend a place to volunteer for small amounts of time with access to people with disabilities. Or maybe you watch videos or look at pictures slowly with a professional. At the same time, hopefully they can go over coping mechanisms for moments you start to feel anxiety.

Then if you’re able to work on these triggers…perhaps compromising on holiday visits will get easier and you can alternate. For the time being, I would just spend this holiday apart this year.

Post # 58
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

It seems you should do some premarital counseling prior to actually comitting to marriage. It seems you can’t stand his family…and it’s 2016, you don’t have to LOVE them but you shouldn’t feel uncomfortable around them. If you all see that you are ready for marriage then sit down and talk about which holidays will be spent how. Most holiday’s are to be divided up between families, do christimas with one set, thanksgiving with another, etc. Or alternate your years…compromise. 

Post # 59
Member
1836 posts
Buzzing bee

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jas34:  What is “normal” doesn’t matter at all. You two need to figure out what works for you, and if that is spending Christmas apart, that’s totally fine. 

Post # 60
Member
3107 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

As someone with a severe phobia and some anxiety I can sympathize, but you need to push through it and continue your therapy and understand that this is your issue, not theirs and that you need to work on this so that you can be respectful to his family.

Avoiding it won’t make it better, is there a way you can be around his family but feel more comfortable? I would suggest working out a plan with your therapist and husband to work towards this.

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