(Closed) Is it ok for an SO to discuss your weight?

posted 7 years ago in Wellness
  • poll: Do you think it's ok for a spouse to bring up concerns over your weight?

    No, never! Your OH should love you no matter how you look.

    .No, because we all lose our looks eventually so that shouldn't be a big deal.

    No, for some other reason.

    Yes, but only if your weight or lifestyle is unhealthy, and not for vanity

    Yes, but only if you'll still be healthy after reaching the size they'd like.

    Yes, but only if you were that size when you got together.

    Yes, for some other reason.

  • Post # 17
    Member
    307 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

    Only when he’s helping me tuck my back fat into my shapewear.  /TMI

     

    But honestly, I think it would be fine if he said something like, “Hey, let’s go for a walk,” or, “Maybe we should go hit the gym together.”  It’s less about me being fat, and more about the both of us being healthier together.

     

    Post # 18
    Member
    190 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    No, it will never be ok for him to bring up my weight… that is between me and the scale.

    Post # 19
    Member
    4655 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I want him to say if something is wrong with my looks, whether it’s gaining weight or wearing something he dislikes.

    On the other hand, I expect that it goes both ways. We should be open with each other as early as possible so we can nip any problems in the bud.

    We have a standing promise not to get fat until we’re 55 (unless one of us goes on antidepressants or something.)

    Post # 20
    Member
    7368 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

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    @strawbs:  Exactly. if your weight causes health concerns of course they should be able to bring it up. Also, yes for attractiveness. Not in a nasty way ofcourse.

    Post # 21
    Member
    3295 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat

    No, not really because when he does, he’s being a hypocrite. It just makes me mad.

    Post # 22
    Member
    9082 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Sure. My SO sees and interacts with everything else in my life, why not my weight? If he got drastically heavier, I’d comment about it and I know he’d do the same. If you can’t discuss your health with your SO, what can you talk about?

    Post # 23
    Member
    823 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @myaltarego:  I do think it should be okay. I also don’t buy into the excuse that everyone’s bodies change with age and our SOs should be attracted to us no matter what. Yes, I will love my Fiance no matter what his appearance is; however, I do think there is a difference between things that can’t be helped like wrinkles with old age and people that suddenly gain a large amount of weight in a short period of time, due to laziness and unhealthy diet choices. Putting on 20-30 pounds in a year for no other reason than you stopped noticing or caring should be talked about. I would want my SO to tell me, and I work hard to maintain the appearance I had when we first got together. 

    Post # 24
    Member
    337 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I think only for health reasons. And I don’t think “health reasons” should be a guise for shallow reasons either. My Fiance has gained at least 20 pounds since we first met (by his own admission) and I could not care less. The only time I cared was when he went to the doctor and his doc said he was concerned about him having high cholesterol. At that point I freaked out.

     

    He is perfect to me in any form (I’m just as attracted to him now as 20 pounds ago), but when his health becomes a concern then I kick his ass into gear. We can’t grow old together if he’s not alive to grow old with me. 

    Post # 25
    Member
    2268 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I’m in the process of losing weight and I think being open with my FI-to-be about it and allowing him to make (respectful) comments about my eating/exercising or lack there of, is something that is keeping me on track for my weight loss and ultimately makes me happier.

    He might tell me that I’ve been slack with my healthy eating and he can’t see that much of a change in my weight for the past week – and yeah, it hurts a little but it’s TRUE – because the reason it hurts is that I KNOW it’s true.

    Just like I’ll tell him that watching tv over doing crunches isn’t going to help him get a six pack.

    He loves me regardless of my weight (just like I love him with or without a six pack) but he knows that I will love me more once I’ve lost weight and he wants me to love me as much as he does.

    Post # 26
    Member
    7368 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    View original reply
    @Mischka: & 
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    @TattedNYBride: I agree with both of you.

    I’ve put on at least 45lbs since I’ve been with my SO (well over a decade now). Maybe only about 10-15 of that is “getting older weight”. The rest is just plain laziness. My SO adores me (he has put on slight weight as well) but we both got lazy. I’m no longer making excuses and working hard to get this weight off. I want to be sexier for myself and for him. He would occasionally make respectful comments about “Babe, we should go for a walk” or talk about the stuff in the house that we shouldn’t be eating. The expectation that your mate should always be pleased with your appearance is not only unrealistic, it’s simply not being honest. 

    Post # 27
    Member
    7769 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    No I don’t.  I have a different view on attraction and love and intimacy, personally.  I love my SO so much that he could not look unattractive to me.  I think that is a very selfish reason for wanting someone to lose weight.  I love my SO for who he is – that is the way I am and I don’t think I would have married him if I felt any other way.  I am not typically just attracted to someone, I have to know them first.  IMO, it is not the looks that really attract us to another person, and least not for me!

    If your SO has a health issue, that is a bit different.  We eat healthy and love the outdoors and have an active dog that needs an hour of hiking or walking a day (at least) so it would be pretty tough for either of us to get unhealthy weight-wise because we are so active.  Honestly, though, I am not my “outside” and my SO is obsessed with me at any size.  He met me at my largest size and he is now his largest size.  When I met him he was skin and bones.  I love the man.

    Post # 28
    Member
    3828 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    My fiancee never said anything at the time, but when i was in the midst of a deep depression i gained some weight. I looked bloated to be honest.  He knew it was more a side effect of my depression, so he addressed that first.  Once i had my depression under control, the weight came off easily.  He only admitted recently that i had gotten chubby back then. 

    But thats when i gain weight, when my depression is creeping back. The episode before that my brother openly said something to me and i snapped out of it and started exercising and eating better which again helped lift my depression. 

    So for me, Fiance mentioning something like  that is more because its a trigger symptom of my mental health. ANd i know it comes from a loving place. 

    Post # 29
    Member
    1006 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I absolutely think it’s fine.  I mean, I guess if my SO was content being fat but wasn’t in danger of health risks.. I’d leave it alone but I’d maybe not want to be with him if his being fat was unttractive to me and especially if I didn’t like that he didn’t want to take care of himself.

    But since we both know that we each want to be the best versions of ourselves, we discuss our fitness plans, plan meals together, and mention if we notice each other eating too much fried food or chocolate.  I’m not exactly happy when it’s brought up, but I know he has my best interests at heart.  We both know that beauty doesn’t last forever but IMO everyone’s a lot more attractive and energetic (and for us, happy) when they’re well toned, fit and healthy so we aim to keep that up as long as possible.  

    Post # 30
    Member
    997 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    If we are talking a few vanity pounds, then no. However, if there is a reason to be concerned for health purposes then YES. My husband is TERRIBLE about not eating enough, and for a while he got way too skinny (he already has a VERY slender frame). You better believe I got onto him about it bc he wasn’t making healthy lifestyle choices. I have also changed my lifestyle and become more active and eat cleaner for him bc it is important to him that I live forever.

    Post # 31
    Member
    997 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

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    @Swizzle:  speaking of weight…..your username makes me crave twizzlers in the worst way

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