Post # 1
my brother briefly dated my friend a few months back. i was not happy about it because i knew it wouldn’t work out and i was right. my friend now has a new boyfriend. a few weeks ago, my brother texted my friend to say hi and she told him to stop texting her because she has a boyfriend and she doesn’t want to mess anything up with him. so then my brother calls her. she hands the phone over to her (angry) boyfriend and he tells my brother to stop calling, she’s with him now, etc.
my friend isn’t invited to my wedding, but she will be welcome to join us at the reception for the dance- please don’t attack me for this. i’m part of a dance group with close to 50 people in it and there’s no way i could afford to have everyone there, so i only invited the ones i’m closest to/have known the longest. everyone else can come to dance and gifts will be discouraged.
i don’t want there to be any negativity or drama surrounding my wedding day and i’m worried that if my friend comes to the reception with her boyfriend and he sees my brother, all hell will break loose. i don’t know the guy, so i don’t know what he’s capable of, but he does seem kind of intimidating and he doesn’t seem to have a problem with confrontation. the last thing i want is a boxing match in the middle of my dance floor.
i’m crossing my fingers that they’ll break up before my wedding (i’m not being mean. it’s just that this girl has a new “love of her life” practically every day), but assuming they’re still together when i get married, would it be ok to ask her not bring her boyfriend to my reception?
by the time she’d get there, the “reserved seating” part of the evening will be over so i feel like i can’t really use that as an excuse and say that we don’t have room for him.
on the rsvp cards it was easier to let people know who was/wasn’t invited, but i haven’t had to actually come right out and say to anyone, “your boyfriend isn’t allowed!” i feel bad having to do that, but i really don’t want to take a chance with this guy.
Post # 3
I think you need to talk to your friend. It is rude not to have her boyfriend if she is invited, but if he is going to come he needs to have the understanding the obviously he may see your brother at your wedding, and you will not tolerate any drama. If they can’t agree to that then they are not welcome.
Post # 4
Well technically it is your wedding and you can invite who you want. However, typical protocol in this is that if you invite someone, usually there is a +1 option. That means she can have her new boyfriend as the +1 option. However if she is such a good friend, she would most likely know not to bring him bc of your brother being there or at least have the common sense anyway. Most folks resort to typical ettiquette and may not know there is a option to come solo. If it bothers you that much and you want her there, simply talk to her. Explain that you cherish y’alls friendship, but your brother is family and he will be there, no questions about it. Express your concerns. If she is a real friend she will understand and either decline to come so there will be no reason to have conflict or she won’t bring her new boyfriend. Either way, you need to talk to her.
Post # 5
I think it is completely acceptable to ask her not to bring her boyfriend, due to the possibility that it will cause drama. Just tell her that you would love to have her attend the reception but that you dont have the ability to have her boyfriend as a guest. It is your day!
Post # 6
It is not acceptable to tell someone to NOT bring someone. But it is ok to just not invite him.
The fact that you are just opening it up later in the night, makes this more difficult, as presumably they will not receive a formal invitation.
Are the rest of your dance mates bringing their partners? If so I think it will be very damaging to your friendship/dance relationship, to exclude only one partner.
I also think your brother needs to take some responsibility for any awkwardness that has ensued. She is with someone else, and instead of respecting her request to not contact her, he escalated and called her. Did she respond in the best way? Absolutely not. But he does share in the responsibility.
Post # 7
i would put this to your friend, my honest thoughs is that her boyfirend my not want her to come without him because your brother will be there but on the other hand she may agree it is best for you her boyfriend doesn’t come. it all depends on how reasonable she is.
i don’t see any harm in inviting some to the day and other just to the evening it quite the norm across the pond 🙂
Post # 8
My friend from University was a bridesmaid at my first wedding and turned up with her boyfriend who I didn’t know at my wedding.
She has now sent me an invite to her wedding and didn’t include a +1 and is only invited married couples to her wedding. So my partner who I have lived with for over a year isn’t allowed to accompany me so I declinded.
I think it’s really unfair not to allow +1’s.
Post # 9
If she isn’t that close of friend I think in the situation the best thing to do is to not issue an invite. Your brother is more important in this scenario, and I think if she is a casual friend just don’t invite her rather then not issuing her a plus one due to the fact that she used to date your brother.
If you do invite her speak to her let her know you don’t want any drama. Honestly I don’t think judging by his actions that the boyfriend was out of control and will cause drama. It seems to me that the fault with that situation is with your brother, she asked me to stop texting and he responds by calling her. While I am not the type to go calling my spouse to handle things for me she clearly is and wanted to make it clear that she doesn’t want him calling her.
So if anything you should speak to your brother about keeping his distance and respecting her boundaries. As it seems he may be the type to be persistant. Althuough I think if it were me, ex girlfriend wouldn’t be invited.
Post # 10
@andielovesj: All of this! I totally agree. If you are having +1s for everyone else then you should do this for your friend too. I think you need to have a talk with BOTH your friend and your brother. They’re all adults (I assume), they can at least be cordial for your wedding.
Post # 11
How long have they been dating? If they have only been dating for a month (3months by your wedding), I think its totally fine not to invite him. I’m using a “dating for at least a year” rule of thumb for +1s. I think if you establish a similar rul of thumb (which coincidntaly excludes her BF!) I think its a lot less exclusionary. Consistance is key in these types of situations. If she insists on bringing him, maybe encourage your bro to bring a date and to leave friend alone while she’s there. If he has a date, I think he would appear less of a thrat to new Boyfriend or Best Friend… But I raelly would do everythingi n my power to make sure he didn’t attend.
Post # 12
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
I don’t think it’s appropriate to not invite him if other friends in your dance group get a +1, but you should call your friend and tell her that your brother will be there and that you know about the text and phone call and you want her to think critically about whether bringing her boyfriend to your family event is the right thing to do.
Post # 13
@andielovesj: my friends who are married will be welcome to bring their spouses, but i’m still undecided about giving a +1 to those are single (mostly because of this situation).
@WoodenShoes: they’ve been dating about a month. my brother won’t be bringing a date because he has several girls in rotation at any given time, and since we’re trying to keep the numbers down (especially the randoms that i don’t know), he can’t bring his flavor of the month.
and i do realize that my brother is also part of the problem, but he doesn’t/won’t see it that way. i can totally picture him trying to talk to the guy just to explain his actions and it escalating into something bigger.
i’m definitely planning on talking to her to explain my concerns and i’m hoping she’ll understand.