(Closed) Is it ok to ask a MOH to step down? Can I throw my own bachelorette party?

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: What should I do??
    Ask my childhood best friend to be my MOH instead : (1 votes)
    2 %
    Just go with it as it is and focus on all the other great things on the day! : (32 votes)
    48 %
    Throw yourself a bachelorette party : (13 votes)
    20 %
    Bachelorette parties are overrrated, don't worry about it! : (13 votes)
    20 %
    Please let me know other suggestions :) : (7 votes)
    11 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    422 posts
    Helper bee

    You can not throw a party in your own honor. There are worse things than not having a bachelorette.

    Post # 3
    Member
    470 posts
    Helper bee

    There’s no rule saying your Maid/Matron of Honor needs to be the one to plan everything. I’m having only BMs, and the two who I am closer to are actually not taking the reigns on planning (which I am not surprised about). You should talk to your friend and be honest, and tell her how you would like to have a bachelorette (people are going to yell at me for saying that) and that you are worried your sister is too busy with her own wedding. She’ll probably take the hint and get things in gear. Honestly, a lot of women know that a sibling is going to have priority of the Maid/Matron of Honor title, sometimes regardless of level of closeness.

    Post # 4
    Member
    671 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    If you really want a bachelorette, anyone can throw you one. The only thing required of bridesmaids is to show up to the wedding, same with Maid/Matron of Honor. However I understand the tradition of a bachelorette and shower be if somethings you want to participate in. Speak to your close friends about it, and if they want to host one for you, they should call or email your sister and say “hey, we know you are really busy with your own wedding and you live on the other side of the country, but we really want to throw happy2016 a bachelorette To celerbrate her. Will you be offended if we throw one? We know you are Maid/Matron of Honor but we don’t want you to feel obligated to fly across the country and plan a big thing”. If your siser wanted to throw you something she probably would have mentioned it and she may be relieved to not have to deal with it. and if she’s acting competitive already about her wedding you probably don’t want to have her throw one tbh. Let someone who is excited for you do it. Do not ask her to step down as Maid/Matron of Honor and do not put too much thought into that title. Its just an honorary title.

    Post # 5
    Member
    9534 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    She doesn’t need to help you plan. It is nice when they do but it is not required. You both have different wedding planning styles and that is okay. She has clearly drawn boundaries of what she feels comfortable with and you should respect that. Kicking her out will only cause friction and severly damage the relationship. Is it worth it to you? Is that the hill you want to die on? 

    Maid/Matron of Honor title should be given to the person who has consistantly been closest to you over the years. Not the best wedding/ bachlorette/ party planner.

    Post # 6
    Member
    13584 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Don’t fire your Maid/Matron of Honor and don’t throw yourself a party. 

    Just take a deep breath and get through the next month.  

    Post # 7
    Member
    3036 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2008

    No, don’t fire your Maid/Matron of Honor unless she has done something legitimately terrible to you and you never want to speak to her again! That’s a relationship damaging/ending move.

    Anyone can throw you a bachelorette party except yourself. If one of your non-BP friends wants to do it, just hint that nobody in your bridal party is able to because they’re all out of towners. One of my friends had a random cousin throw her one because she said that. 

    Also, I had a tiny wedding with two out-of-town BMs, and they grabbed me the night before the wedding, pinned some tulle in my hair, and took me out to a pizza place that had a bar and karaoke. We had a great time until Darling Husband called to complain that he needed help with last-minute details and where the heck was I?

    A bachelorette doesn’t need to be a huge, organized production. It can just be a casual, fun night out. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    7201 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2015

    happy2016:  Tell your friends who are asking that you’d hoped for a bachelorette but your sister isn’t planning to throw one so oh well. If they want to throw one for you they will. I totally would in their shoes. 

    But otherwise- no. Don’t ask your sister to step down and don’t throw yourself a party. Honestly, shit happenes. I couldn’t talk to my Maid/Matron of Honor about wedding stuff for the last four months of my engagement. It got to the point where she almost just showed up at the ceremony itself and skipped all the pre-wedding stuff. Thankfully, we were able to sort of patch things up before then, but even through all that I never considered asking her to step down. Your sister isn’t being horrible- she’s just not super involved. That’s to be expected when she’s far away AND planning her own wedding. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    8266 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    rhappy2016:  

    Honestly dear OP, there is nothing her to worry about, as pp says your sister is overseas and  and anyway  more involved in the idea of her own wedding  . Dont worry about any of this , if your local friends take the hint and throw one, fine , otherwise , meh.  

    Post # 10
    Member
    28 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    happy2016:  I completely agree with k8goelz–talk with your friends who live near you and see if they’d like to throw you one. Even if they don’t throw a traditional bachelorette party (where they plan and pay for everything), I’m sure they’d be happy to do a small, fun celebration with you!

    As for the Maid/Matron of Honor situation, I wouldn’t recommend mixing things up this close to the wedding. It sounds like your sister hasn’t fulfilled the duties you expected of a Maid/Matron of Honor and that not throwing a bachelorette party was the most hurtful of these things. At this point, adding an additional Maid/Matron of Honor or replacing her would likely just create sore feelings and (potentially) make for a stressful or awkward wedding day.

    Post # 11
    Member
    64 posts
    Worker bee

    Asking a maid of honor to step down is the nuclear option. It is the kind of thing that can destroy a friendship. Now, you two are sisters, but if you do it there will be hurt feelings and resentment for years to come, and it could potentially change the whole way your sister views your relationship overall. You don’t want to do something that drastic just because your sister is being kind of a, well, not nice person.

    Now that said, your sister sounds like she’s just being terrible throughout this whole thing. If it bothers you that much (and it sure bothers me reading it!), I would say something to her. Confront her. Don’t drop her as Maid/Matron of Honor, or even raise the possibility, but it does seem like you should talk things over. She’s obviously got some kind of jealousy or other issue that has come up ever since you got married. Say something about it. Could it lead to a fight or more drama? Yes. But being passive-aggressive and just dropping her as Maid/Matron of Honor for things you haven’t even talked about would be way worse. At least if talking to her makes her act even worse, that’s on her, not on you. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    907 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    To answer your questions:

    1. No.

    2. Heck no.

    Post # 13
    Member
    7644 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    happy2016:  Don’t replace your Maid/Matron of Honor. Replacing your sister as Maid/Matron of Honor will only cause bad feelings.

    Since they’ve already asked, I suggest you drop a hint to one of your local friends who is invited to the wedding. “My Maid/Matron of Honor isn’t organising a bachelorette, but if you girls want to organise something that’d be great…”. Or, you could talk to your enthusiastic bridesmaid – of course don’t pressure her, but she might actually be excited to do something.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1149 posts
    Bumble bee

    You’re right. Its like a competition. You’re actually comparing yours to hers also. She doesn’t HAVE to throw you a bachelorette party. There’s no rulebook anywhere saying she has xyz responsibilities. You knew she was far away and wouldn’t be able to take weeks off to come plan a party for you. You knew all of this before you asked her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. Now that she doesn’t, you want to fire her? No.

    And no you can’t plan your own bachelorette. You don’t throw a “appreciate the bride” party for yourself. Hint it to one of your local friends, if one of them does, great.

    Post # 15
    Member
    246 posts
    Helper bee

    I’m going to go against the more traditional advice here and say that if you want to throw yourself a bachelorette, then throw yourself a gosh darn bachelorette! Screw tradition! Doing so isn’t offensive or hurtful to anyone other than etiquette sticklers, and you know what? Life is too short for regrets. Ask one or two of your close local friends to give you a hand and plan a fun and inexpensive night out for you and your friends. Speaking of regrets though, I can’t emphasize enough how much you do not want to ask your MOH/sister to step down. Just chalk up the disconnect to busy lives and different time zones, forgive any misunderstandings and move forward. Best of luck!

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