(Closed) Is it ok to say "no"?

posted 4 years ago in Christian
Post # 16
11583 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015


It is not a sin to honor yourself.

you want to give to him, good! I’m all for giving our partners extra love, sugar and sometimes intimacy even when we are not in the mood – that’s life. That’s being generous when we don’t feel like it. It’s being thoughtful and kind.

But you are not to disregard and dishonor yourself in the doing. No good can come of that. If you are super tired, so be it. It’s okay.

you aren’t meant to be a doll without feelings and needs. You matter.

Post # 17
2691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’ve heard this as well… but to be perfectly honest I don’t give a crap about these old school rules

A friend of mine was telling me an acquaintance never says no to her husband because she wants to be a “good wife”. I must be the worst wife in the world because I will turn him down in a second if Im not in the mood. I can’t imagine that kind of existence and esp since intercourse is so mental for a woman I would hate to have to do it regardless.

Post # 18
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I think there’s something to be said for a wife who will consent more often than not. I usually give in to my tiredness and I feel guilty about it sometimes. When I consent and allow myself to get into it, I always think “Hmm this is pretty great!” haha

Please don’t let people on this thread talk crap about your marriage or what you believe in. You just have to find out what works for you and your husband. If you were taught to believe you should NEVER deny him but that isn’t working for you, maybe you should change it to “I will deny him when I need to but I will try not to deny if possible…” IDK – whatever floats your boat.

Just continue to communicate with hubby and pray on it.

Post # 19
89 posts
Worker bee

As with many other commenters, it is ALWAYS ok to say NO. I identify as a christian myself and was interested in your topic as I have never really taken that idea into serious contemplation. I have a Christian faith, but I’ve also studied Gender rights and psychology and while both sides seem to feud with the other, I have found commonalities between both. For example, the bible in it’s entirety can help Christians better understand their faith and what to do when making life choices – but you CANNOT take out little sections and ignore the rest – in this case, the bible says “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” It gives the same rules for both men and women and yet often we only see the first part of this and the part about a husband not having authority over his body is left out – my guess is perpetuated by oudated social notions about women’s inferiority to men. 

Regardless, these are my thoughts – I am in no way an expert, so I found this source which does a decent job having a discussion on the topic: http://christianity.net.au/questions/as_a_good_christian_wife_can_i_say_no_to_my_husband_when_he_wants_sex

Main point however – COMMUNICATE – you and your husband are one and if you feel like you don’t want to, but feel guilty about it — Tell him that. 

Post # 20
4856 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

sometimes I feel like there was bullshit slipped into the ol’ bible by some less than moral men. Where in the Bible does it say this? Or is this an interpreted twist on “submit to your husbands?” . I do not believe you are required to put out when you are not in the mood. God wants you to be happy and wants you and your husband to love each other in marriage. Does lying there feeling used for sex accomplish that? I don’t think so. I think the issue is using sex punitively within a marriage. That’s my interpretation anyway. 

Post # 21
30 posts
  • Wedding: April 2016

I’m sorry, but this is horrifying. OP is clearly an intelligent woman living in western society in the 21st century. At what point in christian education did your priest/minister tell you you always had to give your husband sex, no matter what? Are modern preachers aware that marital rape is no longer legal? If a woman doesn’t want to have sex with anyone–even if he is the lord incarnate–she shouldn’t feel pressured to. This sounds like the religious version of “if a guy buys you dinner, you have to put out.” Just awful.  

Post # 22
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I’m not religious but I just want to re-iterate that you can say no at any time. For any reason. Or even no reason at all. You don’t feel like it? Don’t do it. Unless you follow every little thing the bible is telling you to do to, don’t put so much emphasis on this. The bible definitely has some outdated and degrading views on women.

Post # 23
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I totally understand your religious beliefs, as I have the same.  However, you also aren’t supposed to keep secrets from your spouse.  Let him know you are tired and ask if he can share some of the work load with you to help remedy the situation.  I don’t know many men that wouldn’t splurge on a cleaning lady or take out, or even a babysitter, if he knew it meant he would get more/better sex.

Keep your head up, there’s a better way.

Post # 24
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

 For those who are super hype that the bible tells her she’s a sex slave, it’s not that serious. The bible just says don’t use sex as a weapon against your spouse. You can withhold on mutual agreement, during times of illness, or for fasting or prayer. I’m sure if she told her husband she was exhausted they would mutually agree it’s ok.  Plus it works both ways. He’s not supposed to deprive her either.  The goal is to not allow room for the temptation to commit adultery. You can see the quote below:

“Deprive not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your lack of self-control.”

Post # 25
1861 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I think saying no is totally fine.  If you are feeling guilty about it, try making up for it by making a point to initiate sex sometime when he isn’t expecting it.

Post # 26
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

ladysugarbear:  I feel this quote doesn’t make it any better. I fully believe that everyone has full autonomy of their own body and that no man or woman should feel obligated to have sex when they don’t want to. Don’t want to meaning they really just aren’t in the mood. You don’t need to be tired, sick, fasting or praying to say no. Thinking you need a valid “reason” to not have sex is crazy to me. 

Post # 27
102 posts
Blushing bee

Ask God, directly. 

Post # 28
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - California

So I don’t usually comment on these posts, but just had to today. I am a Christian and my faith means a lot to me. But here is my interpretation. God is perfect – man is not. Religion is manmade, and despite the fact that the Bible was divinely inspired, it was still written by man. So probably imperfect and written in an ancient time and therefore worldview. I have a hard time believing God actually cares about physical things like sex. I think the idea is the intention – telling you not to use sex as a weapon in a marriage – not telling you to give in whenever Hubs is horny.  And the bright side? I AM a Christian so if I’m wrong – Jesus died for my sins, so I’m forgiven. Win-win!

Post # 29
7430 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I grew up in a Christian church/family, and have been a part of several different churches, and I have never heard them say that a woman can’t say “no” to her husband for sex! That is crazy to me.

I personally choose to not turn Darling Husband down because I tend to have a higher sex drive than him, and even when I’m not 100% in the mood, I always end up enjoying it and being happy that I said yes. If Darling Husband wanted sex every day, I would probably have to turn him down every once in awhile.

Post # 30
1122 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Weird because in the Jewish religion, sex is 100% up to the woman. 

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