(Closed) Is it ok!! Trying to settle this argument between SO and I

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Is it appropriate ???

    Yes!

    No!

    Other. Explain

  • Post # 32
    Member
    170 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I think it’s totally inappropriate for him to say that!! The backstory makes it worse, but I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with my DH calling anyone beautiful but me (with natural exceptions, like his mom etc.) I would be upset too *hugs*

    What makes it worse for me is that you say you’re working on your relationship.  Right around our wedding we were going through a very rough time, which took a lot of honest hard work to get through.  THAT is the time to be on your “best behaviour”.  IMO, working through a rough patch is basically woo-ing or courting your SO all over again.  He (presumably) wouldn’t have said that when you first started dating, and he shouldn’t have said it now.

    Post # 33
    Member
    6114 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    So it sounds like you each are not going to convince the other that what you feel is right ( you feel it’s inapproriate, he feels it was not).

    It’s all about what are you going to do about it from here on out.  YOu may never see eye to eye about that, but he should be a good enough partner to recognize that it might not make his girlfriend feel the most lovey dovey towards him so he should probably not do that again.  You can probably choose not to flip a lid on him and approach the subject very calm and collected with explaining how it makes you feel.  It’s all in how you manage conflict.

    Post # 34
    Member
    926 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    To me, I don’t see a problem with it..but I guess I could see why you would. I just don’t think it’s worth getting angry over. 

    Post # 35
    Member
    5950 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2018

    I don’t get what the issue is here, just because I’m married, other men don’t stop looking the way they do…other women do not cease to be pretty….and most of our friends, many of whom are married call me Beautiful instead on Nona all the time.

    Post # 36
    Member
    4655 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @MrsVMT:  My Fiance doesn’t talk that way normally so I’d be a little upset he was doing that. The “wish he had a chance” thing seals the deal. If it were his sister that’d be one thing but some girl he legitimately liked… ehhhh not so comfy. 

    Post # 37
    Member
    8437 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I voted other because I don’t think it matters if other people believe it’s appropriate or not, the fact is that you don’t think it’s appropriate and he’s in a relationship with you.  If he had just said “Happy Birthday Beautiful” I wouldn’t think anything of it.  But since he knows how you feel about him interacting with this other girl, he should be more aware of what he says/msgs to her.  I would try to talk to him about how it makes you feel when he does this, rather than arguing about whether he should do this or not.  Best of luck.

    Post # 38
    Member
    1212 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013 - Franklin Plaza

    View original reply
    @Mrsluckywife:  +1.  

    Post # 39
    Member
    175 posts
    Blushing bee

    This would not sit well with me. Does he say that kind of thing to all girls on their birthday? I bet you’ll find he doesn’t.

    My fiance used to call a girl friend babe and hun when he messaged her, and also beautiful (this was when we were younger and dating). He was also annoyed that it pissed me off, but he doesn’t do anything like that anymore. I think he grew out of it and was maybe looking for attention. It was also when we were having troubles.

    Post # 40
    Member
    291 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I voted other because I think you’re both going about this conversation in an unproductive way. 

    It’s not about who’s “right” or who’s “wrong.” It’s about respecting each other and finding a solution that works for both of you. 

    Instead of trying to win the argument, what if you both use the disagreement as a way to learn more about each other and move forward in your relationship with each other? What if instead of yelling at him for how inappropriate he’s being, you said calmly, “When you posted that on her facebook wall, I got very insecure and it made me think about when you said you wished you’d had a chance with her, which made me worry about the state of our relationship.” 

    And what if, instead of saying “That’s ridiculous, I’m totally within my rights to post on her wall,” he had said, “When you yelled at me for what I posted on her wall, I got defensive and felt like you were trying to control my innocent actions.”

    This way, you would learn more about each other, and could decide together on boundaries to set in the future. 

    Post # 41
    Member
    1119 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2010

    If you, as his girlfriend, do not feel comfortable with him calling other women “beautiful”, especially a woman he used to like, then it is inappropriate.

    However, I do not think it is appropriate for you to flip out on him either. You should calm down, explain to him that while he thinks it’s alright, you do not feel comfortable with this and ask him to please stay within boundaries…

    Out of respect for the relationship, I think this request is an easy one to accept if you want to make your partner happy – it’s easy to do and not a major, dealbreaking thing..

    Post # 42
    Member
    2152 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I don’t think this is appropriate at all-I never call anyone handsome or good looking or  hot or anything besides my Fiance, and he’d NEVER EVER EVER call anyone “beautiful”. That’s crossing a boundary, IMO.

    Post # 43
    Member
    1154 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    Its not okay with me, especially given the circumstances and that he wished he had a chance with her in the past. My fiance doesn’t call other women sexy, babe, beautiful or any other endearing names. If he did, I would be bothered depending on the context. 

    Post # 44
    Member
    3196 posts
    Sugar bee

    I would have a problem if my SO told me that after having mentioned he wanted to get with her at one point in time. I just don’t show affection like that though, and neither does my SO, so that would be way out of the ordinary and therefore much worse than if this was something that we did every day. 

    Post # 45
    Member
    3683 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    Uh-uh.  What he said is not ok.  

    Post # 46
    Member
    1765 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I wouldn’t mind him wishing her a happy birthday.. but it would bother me that he called her beautiful. Just because he said he wished he had a chance with her before he met you. I know my DH would never wish a happy birthday to another female addressing them as beautiful. 

    The topic ‘Is it ok!! Trying to settle this argument between SO and I’ is closed to new replies.

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