(Closed) Is it ok!! Trying to settle this argument between SO and I

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Is it appropriate ???



    Other. Explain

  • Post # 47
    2742 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2014 - Disney

    I think this depends on your relationship with your SO first. And the relationship they have with their friend second. There are certain people this wouldnt upset me if my fiance said this to. There are certain people who say these things to me and it doesnt upset my Fiance. We have a pretty strong open relationship though. I go out with a couple of my exes for dinners, lunches, and long bike rides Fiance doesnt care. Then again Fiance doesnt do bike rides, and I tell him pretty much every detail of what was discussed so Fiance knows there isnt anything to worry about. Hell on 2 ocassions I got calls from one ex in particular over girl problems went out with him and told Fiance after the fact and Fiance was told when I got home he was 100% ok with it. I let Fiance go take pictures of pretty girls at Renn fest and I’m like meh. One of his best friends is a woman too again meh nothing for me to worry about he spills all her beans and dirty gossip after they talk/hangout. So again this is all based on your relationship and the trust and communication you have between each other.

    Post # 48
    4464 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    My husband doesn’t call anyone beautiful unless they share his last name, i.e. his mom, me and his future children.

    Post # 49
    412 posts
    Helper bee

    So I had to read your post twice and then read the comments to figure out what the problem was.

    1 – he said he wished he’d hooked up with her BEFORE HE MET YOU. sounds like he’s the type of guy who trusts you enough to share everything about himself, even stuff you’d rather not know, and isn’t looking for anything with her anymore. So while it might grate on you, i’d try to let it go unless something else makes you suspicious (beyond a hbd fb post)

    2 – you know him, and their relationship better than i do, but most of my friends’ bfs/husbands have called me beautiful/sexy/what have you in a casual way, and vice versa. and that’s where it ends. “you look great in that dress! do you think my wife would like to go skydiving for her birthday?”; “whoa! have you been working out? it totally shows; i’m sure [gf] appreciates it”. that being said, just because it CAN be harmless feel-good small talk, it doesn’t mean it is, so trust your gut. if this is the only red flag you have, it’s probably okay. so long as they’re both respectful of your relationship i’d let it slide. 


    Post # 50
    751 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @MrsVMT:  I would find it weird because my SO doesn’t usually call his friends beautiful. But I do it, and I know plenty of guys that do it in an endearing way. 

    It really depends on him and what expressions he usually uses.

    Post # 51
    422 posts
    Helper bee

    @MrsVMT:  If my SO said “I wish I had a chance with so and so” I would NEVER be comfortable with him contacting her in any way at all. It is obvious that there are feelings he is carrying for her and in a weak moment, she might reciprocate. Human nature being what it is, I can’t trust any person to that extent. 

    Post # 52
    14 posts
    • Wedding: June 2013

    It depends. If he talks like that to everyone, I would be fine with it. If he never said those terms of endermeant to his friends, I would probably be uncomfortable.

    Either which way, it makes you uncomfortable and I would try talking to him about it. Yelling is only going to result in him getting defensive and could blow things into a huge argument. Instead, talking calmly and telling him how you feel could solve it then and there. 

    On a side note: he said he wanted a shot with her before he met you. If he had wanted to be with her that badly, wouldn’t he have kept pursuing her? He’s dating you, and if he felt comfortable enough telling you about his previous feelings for said girl, I would assume he is past it.

    Post # 53
    1406 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    I have to agree that it depends on how your SO normally talks to people….it was also a happy bday message not a “how you doing beautiful?” 

    I personally would NOT be ok if my DH sent a message like that to someone b/c:

    1) He doesn’t have “girl friends” so that would raise my eyebrow

    2) He doesn’t use “terms of endearment” with others to include family members although he DOES call me pet names

    3) He’s my husband now and saying those things while married is completely inappropriate in my book

    I think the fact that he told you how he felt about her tells you that he trusts you and wants to be honest about her and if he really had some feelings towards her NOW, do you think he’d tell you that stuff?  

    Post # 54
    335 posts
    Helper bee

    I would say that it depends on intent and tone.  But, if he commonly calls other women “Beautiful,” then, I would say not really, it is just par for the course with him.  However, as you said he only says things like that to you and your mother… well, I would certainly ask him if he still wishes he had a chance with her.  Because if he does, I’d, personally, tell him to go have at it, and that we should take a break.  I’d never marry someone who had serious thoughts of “What if…?” on his mind with a girl he is in contact with. 

    Post # 55
    24 posts
    • Wedding: December 2013

    No, it wouldn’t bother me. My fiance has told me of a girl he thought was “the one” before that never really gave him a chance and I wasn’t bothered by it because we talk about this stuff.  We know all about each other’s exes and the “what ifs” from before we met each other. We also know that we are with each other because it actually is “right”.  I’m not sure what all issues you are working through, so I won’t go into all of that because there are trust issues obviously. The back story of him wanting someone else before you isn’t a the problem to me, and it doesn’t imply anything for him to have told you about it. Having said that – did he say it was ok for you to use his phone and be checking his FB (unless it was on a wall where you could easily see from your own account) or were you “snooping”? If it was a private message (which I only really mention since you specifically said you were using his phone), that’s problems all the way around. He won’t trust you and you won’t trust him – maybe eventually after talking about it, depends on your issues you already had.

    Post # 56
    24 posts
    • Wedding: December 2013
    Post # 58
    1068 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    Depends who it is. Fiance and I have mutual friends who he refers to as “beautiful” regularly, and so do I. I think it is sketchier given the background between them. If he wrote that to a girl I knew he had a crush on, it would irk me.

    Damn Facebook!

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