Post # 1
I’m having a really hard time with this.
Boy said we would be engaged by the end of last year… So we moved in together on that premise.. Well, obv it hasn’t happened! 🙂
He tells me over and over he doesn’t see the rush (been together 2 yrs), we’re in a committed relationship and he’s definitely not going anywhere. Well, I can’t really say I’m okay with that. We’re not getting any younger, and if he knows what’s the hold up?
I will admit to “badgering” him a little about it. I am starting to feel really guilty about it though. All signs are pointing to a proposal before the end of next summer for sure, more possibly even THIS WINTER!
But now I’m starting to feel like he’s doing it just because I want him to, not because HE wants to… But he’s taken this long, so surely he wouldn’t do it now unless he absolutely wanted it — or does he just want me to SHUSH UP? I am having a hard time forgiving myself for pestering him so, and I’m afraid I won’t be as excited when it does happen because I will feel like I made him do it :/
So do you ever feel it is ok to pester your man a little bit? I mean, I know he wants to be with me for the long run, so is there harm in pushing him? Do some men need a little pushing? I don’t know. What do you think??
Post # 3
Most men I know look at ‘marry me already’ pressure as a ‘she’s forcing me to propose’ type of thing. Obviously, that doesn’t ususally end well. However, I have known some bees on here that have said their guy needed a push.
It depends – were you flinging yourself on floor crying and telling him to put a ring on it or you’re out of here? lol Or were you expressing to him that you want to be with him and you want to marry him tomorrow? There’s a big difference between making someone feel like they have to buy a ring to make the girl act nice to them or making someone realize that you are sure, would say yes and want to marry him as soon as possible. 🙂
Post # 4
I don’t see that there is any problem of talking out expectations. What YOU need to do is decide how long you will be ok with waiting for him. This doesn’t even have to be something you vocalize to him, just something that you talk to yourself about. When my husband and I were in our waiting phase, we both KNEW we’d be getting married someday, the question was when was he going to ask me and whether his timeline would be ok with my timeline and needs. We had a couple of talks about it and what were his fears about asking etc.
The last talk we had before he proposed we had another talk about it. He didn’t know when he’d be ready to ask, and he didn’t know what was holding him back. So I told him that his choice in the matter was to decide if and when he would propose, and that no matter what, I wanted any proposal to be one that he meant with all his heart and NOT one that he made because I wanted him to. I added that while his choice was to ask or not and when, mine was to decide how long I was willing to wait. I told him that I was happy to give him time, but that one day there would come a time when I would have to make a hard decision because marriage IS important to me. He, I think, felt a bit better knowing that I wasn’t going to try to force him, but that I was going to stand up for myself.
I have no idea if that was the nudge he needed or not, but he asked me to marry him the next day! After he asked it was like this huge weight lifted of his shoulders and he wondered why he hadn’t just done it sooner! lol
**NOTE: this worked out for me, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for everyone**
Post # 5
I certainly did my fair deal of pestering before I got engaged. We decided on a ring that we like a year before he proposed. Everytime one of my friends got engaged he was the first to hear it from me. “Oh, so and so just got engaged. They started dating a year after us.” Small stuff like that. When I knew he didn’t want to talk about it I would back off.
Finally I gave him a deadline. I appealed to his practical side and told him that he would need to propose by the end of the summer if we wanted to get married by a certain date. Of course he waited until the last possible moment, and threw in a few tricks along the way so I was still very surprised when it happened.
Don’t worry yourself too much! It will happen when it’s supposed to happen. And once it does happen, savor it and enjoy being engaged for a little while before you rush in to planning. Good luck!
Post # 5
@luckyprincess: LOL! That made me laugh. Of course, there has been a meltdown. Grr, not my best moment but it happened. Really, it’s almost kind of a joking thing I bring up with him weekly or more. Just a friendly, fun reminder that I’m totally ready whenever he is! Of course, we’ve had the “serious” talks where I tell him how I feel, but that has only happened a couple of times.
Of course, from here on out mum’s the word and I am forcing myself to SHUT UP. I have in no way punished him for not proposing. (Well ok, I take that back. There for a month or two, we were arguing ALL the time. It was awful, we finally had a heart to heart and I told him I felt like I had built up a little resentment b/c he hadn’t proposed. I didn’t even realize this until we started talking and I started thinking about it. Things have done a 180 since then, I think I just needed to tell him!! Amazing what communication can do)
Post # 5
I don’t think its ever ok to pressure into a proposal, a small push or nudge in the right direction though is sometimes what they need. I wasn’t the most patient waiter. It took him saying , “just because you are ready doesn’t mean WE are ready.” to make me realize I needed to calm down. I knew he wanted to marry me but looking back I realize I was focused on myself a lot and not really paying attention to how I was possibly hurting our relationship, I’m glad I backed off. He knew my feelings as I’m sure your SO knows yours, continually “badgering” him is not the answer and personally I feel like if I would have stayed on him like I started too the proposal would have been postponed.
Post # 6
I am sorry you are in such a situation. My boyfriend also wanted to live together with me but I said that I am not going to do until I have a ring on my finger. That is the line I am not going to cross. I will only move once I have the ring.
But I am in a similar situation that my boyfriend is not very clear about moving the relationship to the next level and we have been dating for 1 1/2 years. I actually posted a post here this morning and this person gave the best quote that I think I am going to use when I talk to my boyfriend. He promised me that we would put all the cards on the table this holiday season.
” Life is about choices and the question that is before us is this: You have the following choices: To ask me or not and when. And I definitely want you TO WANT to ask me but you need to keep in mind that I ALSO have a choice, and it is about how long I am willing to wait. I need to tell you that I put a lot of thinking about this and I am willing to wait until…. This is the choices that we have in front of us with this matter and I wanted to put everything on the table as you promised we would.”
Post # 7
@MrsPinkPeony: I just found out it was postponed because of my behavior, and that prompted this question! Ugh, shame on me. I try SO hard not to think about it and not to say anything but it’s SO hard because he’s promised twice.. before the end of last year, and before the end of the summer this year. I too agree I am more focused on what I want and hopefully thinking about HIM and our relationship a little more will help me to not mention anything again. I need to just make a committment to myself to not do it, end of story!
Post # 8
What’s that quote? “Why buy the Cow when you can get the Milk for free?”.
My 2 cents, he’ll ask you when he wants to ask you. I’ve been proposed to 3 times, and each was when the guy wanted to. That’s not to say you shouldn’t sit down and have a conversation about both of your expectations, but badgering your man into a proposal is only going to get you a reluctant groom.
Post # 9
I have to add that setting a deadline isn’t the best thing to do for everybody. In our case it had to do more with graduations and job issues more than anything else. We knew that we wanted to get married in the summer of 2011 and that we needed to book our venue at least 1.5 yrs ahead of time, plus we only get to see each other 4 times a year. So that really limited the opportunities for that timeline to work out. Plus my fiance likes to procrastination, but if I give him strict deadlines then he gets stuff done.
Post # 10
Sounds like you two have really good communication and have worked through a lot. That’s the kind of ‘pestering’ and good talks that I think let guys know you’re ready and willing to marry HIM. Good luck to you!!!
Post # 11
It is such a hard balance between “pestering” and “politely reminding”. I’m pretty sure we have all been in this situation or are currently in it. We all just want to yell, “DO IT NOW! WHAT IS THE HOLDUP!?” but we have to approach it lightly or they boys will run away like a scared animal. It’s good that you guys have talked about it but it sounds like you might feel better with a more precise timeline. Maybe not with an exact date, but if he could narrow it down more for you that could help. Or maybe he is waiting for something, like a promotion or the like, and once he hits that goal he could do it. Try to get into his head a little bit, and do it when he is in a good/talkative mood. It especially helps when the boy is the one to bring it up (ha, like that happens often!). Good luck!
Post # 12
I don’t think it is ever a good idea to pressure someone into marriage. Or even nudge really. Why do you feel pressure to marry? Do you not feel he is committed in other ways? Is there a specific reason you want to marry? I think if he “wants to be with you for the long run” there is no reason to push. I would let him take his time, as long as I felt he was committed. Good luck!
Post # 13
Thank you for the responses 🙂 I feel so much better knowing I’m not the only one in this “boat of struggle”. Thanks for all the good luck, I’m soaking it in…….
@cbee: Gah, you are so right! We talked about marriage rather early in the relationship, we set a date and got excited. It was like we were engaged without a ring. I think I took it too far and he got turned off by it. So all talks of a wedding suddenly ceased to exist. That’s been a year ago, so I’ve tried my best to forget about it, but it was SO hard setting a date and then no engagement. I sometimes have a hard time forgiving myself because I believe if I would have “let it go” and not gotten SO into planning, etc, it would have happened by now.
So I guess in a way I do feel some insecurities because I wonder… why was he so anxious to marry me and now is so turned off by it? Just don’t get it I guess and it’s hard to understand/deal with.
I also want to marry because I want children relatively soon (~2 years). We have definitely decided on this timeline together, but he would rather just have children and not get married.. I am very against that for personal reasons, so I guess I am just ready to “get the show on the road” so to speak!