Post # 17
I voted for the “request Fiance to tell his Mum option”…this woman will be your Mother in law, someone you should (hopefully) be able to love happily, respect and get along with. If my mother had a photo of my ex still in the lounge room or vice versa I’d hope it could be put away out of respect for my current Fiance / husband / whatever.
I don’t think either my mother or FI’s mother would want either of us to feel uncomfortable in that circumstance.
You need to remember to ask your Fiance seriously next time before you go to visit. If he sorts it out then great. Unfortunately because you are dealing with a picture of an ex-FI you might not have a heap of pushing power until you are official daughter-in-law rather than current Fiance.
Post # 18
It’s definitely time for the pictures to come down.
Post # 19
@nessdawwg: Your Fiance should ask her to take it down. Never mind you – your Fiance should feel disrespected that the photo is there.
To thise who say it’s her house: of course Fiance can’t force her to take it down, but he can ask.
Post # 20
I didn’t think it would be my place to ask her directly either, for the exact reasons others have cited, but was open to outside opinion on the matter. As far as being intimidated by the photo standing there, his mum did not approve of our relationship in the beginning, nothing personal just like she was not ready to have another person enter the family yet. That is also the reason I feel it would be too forward to organise a photo myself to replace it. I don’t want to replace her, I want to be my own addition to the family in my own right. I have accepted that they have barely aknowledged our engagement when the first engagement was a massive huge deal and largly celebrated, as I understand to them it’s just his second one, but I think taking down one photo (it’s hard to explain it’s prominence on the wall but it’s something that really takes your attention, it’s like the feature of one side of her living room) isn’t asking too much (she is still featured in a couple of other photos around the place but they are of family events and I have absolutely zero issue with that.)
Post # 21
I don’t understand why your Fiance doesn’t say something. I would have no trouble asking my mom to take down pictures that included the ex.
Post # 22
@nessdawwg: My mother had 3 copies of photos from my first wedding/bridal portraits on the wall in her livingroom. They still hung there long after I was divorced and long before I had my bf over to her house they were bugging me! I mean we weren’t a couple anymore. It was weird IMO. I had to ask her to take them down. So she took down the pic of me and my ex, but not the one in my wedding dress or the one of me, her, my Dad and my sister at my wedding. I didn’t need to walk into her house and be reminded of my now failed marriage. I honestly think she kept them up just because they were nice, professional pics. Nevermind that it was an in my face reminder of the biggest mistake I ever made every time I walked into her house. No biggie. Anywho, I had to ask her a second time to remove the other two pics. She finally did.
5 years after this chic left the “picture” and 3 years after her son started a new relationship it’s time for her to take that pic down.
Post # 23
I would be super pissed if anyone came into my home and tried to tell me what photos I should have up. I would never do that to my Mother-In-Law.
Post # 24
have you considered taking a new picture and giving it to your fmil?
that seems like the most logical and sensitive way to fix the problem.
Post # 25
Not petty at all! Its weird she still has the picture up. The only way I could understand it was if your FI’s ex was a good friend of the sisters but even then it would be weird. I would say something about getting a picture taken of you and the sisters to go up there.
Post # 26
nessdawwg: I sympathize with you, I really do. It makes you uncomfortable for a variety of reasons, and it must be difficult to deal with that every time you’re at MILs house. It seems like there are a lot of back issues here (messy split, resentment, comparison…), so I’m just trying to keep the basic issue clear: you can’t tell someone what to do with their own home.
While I suspect that Mother-In-Law keeping the photo has nothing to do with you personally, asking her to take it down is going to open a very large can of worms and start an awkward conversation that you’d better be prepared to have, because MIL’s first question is going to be “why does Nessdawwg have a problem with the picture? Does she have a problem with me?”
You can’t win here, because even if she takes the photo down, you’ve still put it out there for everyone to know that you have issues surrounding the ex and her relationship to his family and, no matter how unfair this may be, it’s only going to reflect poorly on you. And it’s going to make the whole family uncomfortable. There’s a reason your Fiance is avoiding the situation, and this is it.
Aside from the fundamental rule of “her house, her pictures”, I truly don’t think you’re going to do yourself any favors by putting these issues out there; for this reason alone, I’d drop it.
Post # 27
I’d wait until Mother’s Day, the surprise her with a nice framed pic of DH and his sisters (or of you and his sisters, whichever), and make a really casual joke about the pic up of his ex!
Post # 28
I agree with @mypinkshoes:
that you should give her a new photo to replace that one. Maybe a picture of her 4 kids together (you, Fiance, and sisters)? Or maybe a nice engagement photo? She probably hasn’t even thought about it – but it would be nice to give her something to fill the empty space.
Post # 29
The problem with giving her a new pic is that it sounds like this isn’t just a picture on a shelf- it’s clearly something very prominent. Future Mother-In-Law is not going to infer that she should take the old pic down just because she receives a new one. If OP wants that picture down, it’s going to require a very awkward conversation, and as I said above, leaving the picture alone seems like the lesser of the two evils…
Post # 30
@nessdawwg: I don’t see what the big deal is, to be honest. I don’t know how much time they’ve dated, but my opinion is based on the fact this person was once part of the family. It’s not because your relationship to your SO doesn’t work that the whole family has to pretend you never existed. I don’t think anyone has doubts on your relationship, do I don’t see why you would feel threatened by a picture of her that is not even in your house.
I’ve been with my ex 9 years. When my grandmother was dying, my mom brought a picture where the whole family was reunited (only I was posing with my ex). My mom suggested they would Photoshop him off, and I strongly opposed to this idea. This man was part of my life at the time the photo was taken, he has been part of my grandma’s life at this time of her life, taking him off the picture would have been plain wrong.
Pictures are souvenirs of a very specific time in your life. This was a very specific time your Future Mother-In-Law wanted to keep and enjoy. It’s totally okay for her to do so, and she probably enjoys having a nice picture of her daughers to look at.
Post # 31
This is a toughy…It would bug the heck out of me to be honest. I think you should push your Fiance to talk to his mom about it. Maybe if he comes from the standpoint of him not liking to see that photo of his ex, then maybe she will take it down and you don’t ever have to get involved.
As for the not celebrating your engagement part, that really sucks. However, I’m sure his family is a bit less starry-eyed after the first failed engagement gone bad. Perhaps they are still not 100% over that. Families are just as much involved in relationships sometimes, and when break ups happen, it can be quite devastating to everybody. I wouldn’t take it personally (although it really does suck) bc they are probably especially guarded over their own feelings this time around. Your Fiance needs to take the reigns on this if you are feeling a bit less than loved.