(Closed) Is it petty of me to ask FI to ask his mum to take down his ex fiances pictures?

posted 7 years ago in Family
  • poll: What is the best option

    Ignore the photo until his mum takes it down in her own time

    Request FI to tell his mum to take the photo down

    Get a picture of me and his sisters (we are all friends) to replace it

    Pull her aside myself and ask if she could take it down

    Wait until we are married (winter 2015) and if it still hasn't been taken down, deal with it then

    Get over it princess, it's not your house she can have whatever she likes on the wall

  • Post # 17
    Member
    223 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I voted for the “request Fiance to tell his Mum option”…this woman will be your Mother in law, someone you should (hopefully) be able to love happily, respect and get along with.  If my mother had a photo of my ex still in the lounge room or vice versa I’d hope it could be put away out of respect for my current Fiance / husband / whatever.  

    I don’t think either my mother or FI’s mother would want either of us to feel uncomfortable in that circumstance.

    You need to remember to ask your Fiance seriously next time before you go to visit.  If he sorts it out then great.  Unfortunately because you are dealing with a picture of an ex-FI you might not have a heap of pushing power until you are official daughter-in-law rather than current Fiance.

    Post # 18
    Member
    2788 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    It’s definitely time for the pictures to come down. 

    Post # 19
    Member
    7638 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @nessdawwg:  Your Fiance should ask her to take it down. Never mind you – your Fiance should feel disrespected that the photo is there.

    To thise who say it’s her house: of course Fiance can’t force her to take it down, but he can ask.

    Post # 21
    Member
    7426 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2013

    I don’t understand why your Fiance doesn’t say something. I would have no trouble asking my mom to take down pictures that included the ex.

    Post # 22
    Member
    3370 posts
    Sugar bee

    @nessdawwg:  My mother had 3 copies of photos from my first wedding/bridal portraits on the wall in her livingroom. They still hung there long after I was divorced and long before I had my bf over to her house they were bugging me! I mean we weren’t a couple anymore. It was weird IMO. I had to ask her to take them down. So she took down the pic of me and my ex, but not the one in my wedding dress or the one of me, her, my Dad and my sister at my wedding. I didn’t need to walk into her house and be reminded of my now failed marriage. I honestly think she kept them up just because they were nice, professional pics. Nevermind that it was an in my face reminder of the biggest mistake I ever made every time I walked into her house. No biggie. Yell Anywho, I had to ask her a second time to remove the other two pics. She finally did.

    5 years after this chic left the “picture” and 3 years after her son started a new relationship it’s time for her to take that pic down.

    Post # 23
    Member
    8021 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I would be super pissed if anyone came into my home and tried to tell me what photos I should have up.  I would never do that to my Mother-In-Law.

    Post # 24
    Member
    11266 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2012

    View original reply
    @nessdawwg:  have you considered taking a new picture and giving it to your fmil?

    that seems like the most logical and sensitive way to fix the problem.

    Post # 25
    Member
    1609 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    Not petty at all!  Its weird she still has the picture up.  The only way I could understand it was if your FI’s ex was a good friend of the sisters but even then it would be weird.  I would say something about getting a picture taken of you and the sisters to go up there.

    Post # 26
    Member
    537 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    nessdawwg: I sympathize with you, I really do. It makes you uncomfortable for a variety of reasons, and it must be difficult to deal with that every time you’re at MILs house. It seems like there are a lot of back issues here (messy split, resentment, comparison…), so I’m just trying to keep the basic issue clear: you can’t tell someone what to do with their own home.

    While I suspect that Mother-In-Law keeping the photo has nothing to do with you personally, asking her to take it down is going to open a very large can of worms and start an awkward conversation that you’d better be prepared to have, because MIL’s first question is going to be “why does Nessdawwg have a problem with the picture? Does she have a problem with me?”

    You can’t win here, because even if she takes the photo down, you’ve still put it out there for everyone to know that you have issues surrounding the ex and her relationship to his family and, no matter how unfair this may be, it’s only going to reflect poorly on you. And it’s going to make the whole family uncomfortable. There’s a reason your Fiance is avoiding the situation, and this is it.

    Aside from the fundamental rule of “her house, her pictures”, I truly don’t think you’re going to do yourself any favors by putting these issues out there; for this reason alone, I’d drop it. 

    Post # 27
    Member
    12244 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I’d wait until Mother’s Day, the surprise her with a nice framed pic of DH and his sisters (or of you and his sisters, whichever), and make a really casual joke about the pic up of his ex!

    Post # 28
    Member
    345 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I agree with 

    View original reply
    @mypinkshoes:  that you should give her a new photo to replace that one. Maybe a picture of her 4 kids together (you, Fiance, and sisters)? Or maybe a nice engagement photo? She probably hasn’t even thought about it – but it would be nice to give her something to fill the empty space. 

    Post # 29
    Member
    537 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    The problem with giving her a new pic is that it sounds like this isn’t just a picture on a shelf- it’s clearly something very prominent. Future Mother-In-Law is not going to infer that she should take the old pic down just because she receives a new one. If OP wants that picture down, it’s going to require a very awkward conversation, and as I said above, leaving the picture alone seems like the lesser of the two evils…

    Post # 30
    Member
    2890 posts
    Sugar bee

    @nessdawwg:  I don’t see what the big deal is, to be honest. I don’t know how much time they’ve dated, but my opinion is based on the fact this person was once part of the family. It’s not because your relationship to your SO doesn’t work that the whole family has to pretend you never existed. I don’t think anyone has doubts on your relationship, do I don’t see why you would feel threatened by a picture of her that is not even in your house. 

    I’ve been with my ex 9 years. When my grandmother was dying, my mom brought a picture where the whole family was reunited (only I was posing with my ex). My mom suggested they would Photoshop him off, and I strongly opposed to this idea. This man was part of my life at the time the photo was taken, he has been part of my grandma’s life at this time of her life, taking him off the picture would have been plain wrong. 

    Pictures are souvenirs of a very specific time in your life. This was a very specific time your Future Mother-In-Law wanted to keep and enjoy. It’s totally okay for her to do so, and she probably enjoys having a nice picture of her daughers to look at. 

    Post # 31
    Member
    679 posts
    Busy bee

    This is a toughy…It would bug the heck out of me to be honest. I think you should push your Fiance to talk to his mom about it. Maybe if he comes from the standpoint of him not liking to see that photo of his ex, then maybe she will take it down and you don’t ever have to get involved. 

    As for the not celebrating your engagement part, that really sucks. However, I’m sure his family is a bit less starry-eyed after the first failed engagement gone bad. Perhaps they are still not 100% over that. Families are just as much involved in relationships sometimes, and when break ups happen, it can be quite devastating to everybody. I wouldn’t take it personally (although it really does suck) bc they are probably especially guarded over their own feelings this time around. Your Fiance needs to take the reigns on this if you are feeling a bit less than loved.

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