(Closed) Is it petty of me to ask FI to ask his mum to take down his ex fiances pictures?

posted 7 years ago in Family
  • poll: What is the best option

    Ignore the photo until his mum takes it down in her own time

    Request FI to tell his mum to take the photo down

    Get a picture of me and his sisters (we are all friends) to replace it

    Pull her aside myself and ask if she could take it down

    Wait until we are married (winter 2015) and if it still hasn't been taken down, deal with it then

    Get over it princess, it's not your house she can have whatever she likes on the wall

  • Post # 62
    Member
    13655 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    Is this even a question? Of course Fiance can say something to his mother. 

    Post # 64
    Member
    679 posts
    Busy bee

    How big is this photo anyway? I’m imagining something larger than a 8×10 portrait type thing…

    Post # 65
    Member
    727 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @nessdawwg:  I get what the other bees are saying about it not being cool for you to ask to take it down but I get that it would be a little weird. If there are a lot of photos she prob hasnt even thought to take it down or might love how her daughters look in it. that said, Im sure there are otehr pictures that could be put up. Not sure if it’s something you could really bbring up but maybe try giving her a new picture? Depending on your relationship and personality styles a joke could even be made like “what do I have to do around here to get ‘sally-status’ and get a pic on the wall?” My husband’s family are all big jokers and there’s a table where my Mother-In-Law displays wedding pics and we all make jokes about which pictures should be more prominently displayed and also about the bigger the pic, the bigger the love.  But we’re all pretty jokey. My husband still had a few pics of old gfs around in a memento box we went through, he wanted  to throw them out but I kept two because I thought they were funnny and he was clearly embarassed. One included a letter from an ex’s parents thanking him for being so kind to their daughter. It was very sweet but cracked me up. 

     

    That said….

     

    My mom still has a picture of me and my h.s. prom date (NOT MY HUSBAND) on her desk at work. I used to tease her all the time like “Mooom can you replace that picture? it’s sooo old!” and have never really addressed the boy in it. I wonder what DH would think… I guess I don’t see it as a big deal in our case

     

     

     

    BUT 

     

    When my mom got married my grandma handed her an album of pictures of my dad and his exes and said “these are al the women my son could have married” OUCH! 

     

    So it all boils down to the intent and kinds of relationship! 

     

    Post # 66
    Member
    128 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    It’s her house. You can’t tell her what to do in her house.

    Post # 67
    Member
    472 posts
    Helper bee

    @nessdawwg:  I would tell your fiance to ask her to take it down. I can’t imagine he likes seeing his ex on his mom’s wall either. 

    My Future Mother-In-Law has a few photos of my FBIL’s ex on her walls. I can’t help but shake my head when I see them. They had a messy breakup 7 years ago. He’s been with his current gf for 6 years. Future Mother-In-Law does not talk to this ex and they weren’t close.

    I’ve taken down photos of my brother and his ex, unprompted. I just find it disrespectful to the new person in his life. Plus, I don’t want him walking in and seeing his ex. I would hate if any of my siblings did that, or parents.

    Post # 69
    Member
    374 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    View original reply
    @stillme:  This is how I feel about going through the same situation. It’s so frustrating because my family has gone out of their way to make my Fiance feel comfortable and welcome and he has NEVER seen a photo of me with a past boyfriend in their home– because they know how to handle normal life stuff ahahaha. It’s a respect issue. My FI’s family totally does not understand the mentality that there are some relationships with your children’s significant others that you will not be able to continue for life if things don’t wrok out. It’s fine to be amicable if you see them in person, but you don’t needt o hang them in the living room for all to see. It just hurts. Woemn know this– I would be shocked if this woman wasn’t aware that this photo’s presence has the ability to hurt at worst and make uncomfortable at best.

    Post # 70
    Member
    1131 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @nessdawwg:  my fmil had his ex gfs phone number on te fridge, and i asked her to take it down.  she laughed and said she forgot it was there!

    Post # 71
    Member
    472 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    Drop it. Just drop it.

    The best possible outcome in this scenario is that someone removes a picture that either they don’t really care about (in which case your insecurity was for nothing, but you’ve made yourself look bad) or that they DO care about and they remove it resentfully (in which case your insecurity is valid, but you’ve just worsened your relationship with your Future Mother-In-Law and made yourself look bad).

    Those are the BEST possible outcomes. The more likely outcome will be somewhere from worse than that to totally catastrophic- and again, the SOLE upside of all this will be that you don’t have to see a picture once in a while.

    Your Mother-In-Law removing this pic won’t make her like you more, change the level of enthusiasm that was displayed for the prior engagement, or eliminate your insecurities about your in laws’ feelings about your engagement- it will *just* remove the picture and it will very likely create some resentments and drama in the interim.

    In the worst case scenario, you get all the looking-bad, awkwardness, resentment, and bad-blood, and the pictures *doesn’t even get removed*.

    Don’t do it. Just don’t do it. Work on improving your relationship with your in-laws to the point that a picture of his ex no longer threatens you- you’re attacking a symptom here, not the problem

    Post # 72
    Member
    360 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    You can’t, but he can. Make sure he is on your side before he talks to her otherwise he will just tell her it’s coming from you. 

    If they have kids together, no you can’t. 

    Post # 73
    Member
    38 posts
    Newbee

     

     

     

    Post # 74
    Member
    558 posts
    Busy bee

    The problem is that it features her beloved daughters, so it will require diplomacy.

    It’s probably become a part of the furniture by now and they hardly notice it..

    Whereas I appreciate : to you it sticks out like a sore thumb.

    You have two options :explain to your boyf that it makes you feel like you are not accepted, because they are displaying their happiness with another girl, whom you have since replaced. Politely request that he suggests to his mum that she takes it down in advance every time you will be visiting, out of respect for your feelings?Tell him that subconsciously your attitude will be affected during any future stays with his family and that he can do something about it, if he just arranges that small gesture with his mom. The thing is, it could highlight your insecurity, as you think the photo shows the bonds she had with his family.

    I can see her perspective that it is nice to have the youth smiling down at her. 

    The second option:

    Have you sent out engagement photos? Get some / some more done professionally (and don’t mention now, but afterwards send a framed one of you and her son to his mom. Because, don’t forget this is waaaay more important : your relationship with her son (than some group shot of someone he rejected/didn’t work out)

    If you ever see that photo again, remind yourself that you are the new girl on the block now and the framed photo you send of you with her son to put on her mantle will dominate the room. And the wedding photo !! Be sure to take plenty with her family at the wedding and they will be all over the house. Yay ๐Ÿ˜€

    If you can bear it, it might be worth not exposing your insecurity. After all, you have already asked him to talk to her and if you persist it might not be advantageous.

    It’s your call. But ultimately you are the new star of the show so even though it is a credit to  you that you have such sensitivity (which his mother lacks, unless like I said by now it might just have become a part of the furniture – in which case why should you care, I mean does anyone spend ages gazing at it while in the lounge ever? I doubt it ๐Ÿ˜‰ and if she does look at it don’t you think she’ll be looking at her wonderful daughters? Their smiling faces? 

    This pic was probably a gift from the last girl anyway.. I doubt the daughters gave it her?

    So anyway, soon your pics will be everywhere, an engagement shot here, a wedding shot there, a shot of you with the daughters, a shot of you with the mum, a giant wedding album on the coffee table.. you get the idea? ๐Ÿ˜‰ 

    Don’t be thrown out of kilter. Sure it’s hard to remain objective when there are feelings involved, but try to rationalise it and think of how it’s going to be (brilliant, of course!) rather than tearing yourself apart speculating.

    Post # 75
    Member
    278 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    View original reply
    @nessdawwg:  Just wanted to let you know that would bother me too.  I think it depends on your relationship with her.  IF you are comfortable enough and close enough with her maybe you can bring it up and just let her know how it makes you feel.  Also there is a certain member on here that is very judgemental and seems to make you feel bad about the way you are feeling and then you feel the need to explain yourself. This person did the same thing to me on one of my posts. Just have to ignore.

    Post # 76
    Member
    1723 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN

    @nessdawwg:  I wouldnt worry about it too much until after the wedding. If it is still up a few months after then I would be upset.

     

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