(Closed) Is it possible to dislike your own family? (warning -long)

• Creiddylad
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: May 2015

@Brickette:  Blech, that sounds awful. It also sounds like dysfunctional family behavior where people don’t realize their own boundaries until after the fact, don’t communicate as well as they should, and things just spiral into a huge mess. . . I’m so sorry you have to go through all this. I have had to deal with some very difficult family problems myself, so I know how it just takes over your whole brain and life and exhausts you and make you feel so bad and guilty. .. but the thing is, it’s not your fault! It’s their own reactions and choices that are making them behave this way.

At this point, I think you need to distance yourself from them, make sure you act as an adult (because they are being SUPER immature and acting ridiculous and unreasonable, which unfortunately seems to be really common 🙁 ), and go ahead with your own life. If they want to spend time with you for the sake of being around you, they will eventually make an effort to get over all these petty things and be friendly again, even if there may be some lingering issues or dislikes. If the dislikes and issues are understood to be part of the picture, and everyone is willing to accept that they are there but not make a big deal out of them, I think that would help a LOT. That is what has made my unpleaant family situation better.

Basically, I think the best thing would be for you to act polite and considerate to them when communication is necessary, so you are acting as a mature adult, and if they don’t act nicely towards you back, then too bad for them. Otherwise avoid them. Or, you could try writing a letter or having a meeting and telling them how you feel and how you would like to have a good relationship with them, but xyz behaviors are stopping you, and you would love to try and work things out with them.

Oh my, it’s late at night here and I’m probably being incoherent! I’ll stop before I ramble on any longer!

Agh, here’s the answer to your title question: YES, it is absolutely possible to dislike your own family. And I think in this case you have every right to! It is possible to love your family but not like them at all.

• Lovemelovemyhorses
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: January 2014

Absolutely. Fiance doesn’t speak to his mother, older brother or younger brother because they are bad people (his ex cheated on him with his older brother, and there was a lot of other things from when they were younger that were emotionally traumatic, his younger brother tried to stab him and assaulted me and FI’s sister (and on other occassions his younger siblings and mother) and his mother then disowned 2 of her children because they tried to have his younger brother arrested for trying to stab Fiance, as well as assaulting me and his older sister. Hard to follow?). It is ABSOLUTELY possible to dislike your family. Just because they are related to you, doesn’t mean you owe them a relationship.

I don’t know WHY your family behaved that way, it seems like they just blew tiny things out of proportion! Your grandpa actually encouraged you to spend time with your bf, then they said they were disappointed when you did? Their reaction to the whole invite situation was just odd, and why did your aunt think that she had a right to invite some random 13 year old to your 21st? Why was it such a big deal when you said no? It seems like none of that should be an issue, but for some reason they all took offense.

I think if they are making you feel bad about yourself, then there’s no need to keep trying. If you do want to try and have a relationship, I would say to them ‘why are you mean to me?’ the next time they try to make you feel bad about yourself. Don’t get emotional, just say it in a calm voice. That could tthen be a foundation for a conversation about the way they treat you, and how it makes you feel. Just don’t feel like you owe them anything. They are your family, but you don’t choose family and not all of them are worth keeping in your life.

Big hugs.

• thumpurr
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: May 2014

@Brickette:  I dislike my family too.  And yes, it is okay to feel that way.  That is why I have decided on a Destination Wedding.  Only my father and children from my family will be in attendance.  I would absolutely be embarrassed to have anyone else that is “related” to me present.

Are you sure we are not related…..my family acts the very way you explain yours to be.  LOL!!   Dysfunction…..I guess for me I just have learned to accept the way they are, and just not deal with them on a regular basis.  It saves me the turmoil and stress of trying to “be normal”, in the presence such dysfunction.

You are not alone!!  I so understand!

• HisMoon
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: July 2013

@Brickette:  Ohhhh yes it is possible to dislike your own family. It sucks, but it’s possible. I’m sorry your family are being such huge jerks. For your dad’s sake, I don’t think you should actively shun them or anything, but you are well within the right to stop trying to communicate with them or cultivate some sort of relationship. If they contact you, be polite without feeling the need to be all happy-family about it. If they don’t contact you, then oh well, no skin off your nose. 

One of my father’s sisters was a huge bitch to me, my brother, and a close cousin when we were young (oh and her own first born btw). We not only wrote her off but would go out of our way to avoid her anytime we had the ability. This went on until the past year or two when, according to my mother, she began to “mellow out” and “become nicer.” Well hell, a rabid dog gnawing on your leg is nicer than one gnawing on your face, so I continue to treat the situation as I have in the past. She wasn’t invited to my first wedding, and I actually threatened to kick her and whoever brought her out just to make sure nobody got any sneaky plans. Same rule is going to apply to this wedding because I just don’t trust her.

I’m not advocating that you go as far as I have, just sharing a story. Like I said, I think for your own emotional health, you should just benignly ignore them until they contact you. ((Hugs))

• bebero
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: April 2013

Being related doesn’t force you to love someone. We can choose to make a new family along the way.

• glittermoon
• 8 years ago

There are lots of frustrating people out there and they all have families. It’s completely possible to dislike your family. It sounds like there’s been drama for a long, long time and all of this is just the result of a lot of drama that started probably before you were born. It’s not your fault and you shouldn’t have to put up with the emotional abuse. Abuse is abuse, no matter who it is. And just because it’s emotional (manipulating you and calling you fat is ridiculous. Plus you shouldn’t have to invite your cousin’s friends to your birthday). 

It may hurt your dad and it is his family, but you’re his family too and I think you should also reach out to him to talk about it.

• nikix
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: May 2013

I didn’t read this, 

but I hate all of my cousins (8 of them) and my 5 aunts and uncles.

So you’re not alone

• YogaFaerie
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: August 2014

Ugh, yep, sounds like you have good reason to not like them. I would distance myself from them if I were you.

My Fiance comes from a dysfunctional family and his father has always been emotionally abusive, but was physically abusive when Fiance and his two older siblings were younger. Nobody likes his dad – haha. And most people don’t like his mom anymore because she has turned into one of his manipulative little clones along with FI’s youngest sister. He and his older sister cut the three of them off and haven’t spoken to them for a year and aren’t planning on it any time soon – if ever.

Cutting people off isn’t to prove anything or “get revenge”. You might experience what Fiance did which is guilt, but you have to remember that the reason why we decide to remove people from our lives is for our own sanity. It isn’t the easy way out – in fact its very hard to cut family off. But I can tell you it has changed EVERYTHING for the better for all who no longer have that toxicity in their lives. It isn’t easy at all, but so worth it.

Wish you luck and make sure you think of yourself and your own mental health. You don’t want to end up like these people (which most people do when they decide that they can just “deal” with the problem… aka run away from the problem by constantly letting it happen over and over again). You don’t have to completely cut them off, but try to figure out what you need to do. I will say though that for FI’s situation limited contact didn’t work because of how much his parents violated his boundaries (give an inch and they will take a mile). That’s how many toxic people are.

• Bazinga
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: March 2024

It seems like you are the one trying to keep these relationships alive and your family could (sorry to say) care less about what’s going on in your life. Maybe you should just stop contacting them all. Maybe if you do that your grandma will be like oh wow Brickette hasn’t contacted me in awhile I wonder why and she’ll reach out to you. It seems like they are taking you for granted so I would play the good old game of hard to get, they will start wondering why you haven’t contacted and hopefully reach out to you, if they don’t you are no worse off than you are now since communications with them haven’t been great lately.

• soontobemrsm11
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: February 2015

I’d give up on them. They’re only causing you drama & pain, screw them honestly. Don’t bad mouth them or say anything to your dad in order to not hurt him…but that doesn’t mean that you need to tolerate their crap. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it =(

• kaa32
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: May 2014

@Brickette:  I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through.  Yes, it definitely possible to dislike your family.  FI’s dad won’t take any responsibility, either.  FI’s sister has cut him out of the picture for years (he doesn’t even know his grandchildren and apparently doesn’t care enough to change his behavior).  Despite multiple attempts at rekindling the relationship, Fiance finally decided to cut him out, too (he is not invited to the wedding).  The continued let downs just cause too much pain.

My family is another story.  My mom is such a wonderful person, but she’s only human.  She has her flaws.  One of which is she constantly guilt-trips people into seeing things her way.  In particular, she’s having trouble giving me up to Fiance.  The best move I made was to calmly say “All of these changes in my life are successes.  It shows you did a good job.  Why aren’t you happy and proud of me?”  She changed her tune pretty quickly for at least one moment.  That’s the difference between my mom and FI’s dad. 

You almost have to act like a therapist to avoid making them defensive and to make them realize it’s their problem, not yours.  More importantly, you need to remember that yourself so that you take their responses more lightly and steer clear of the drama.  Best of luck.

• Pickle7
• 8 years ago

• Wedding: July 2015

I totally understand how you feel, my grandparents are assholes, when I got a full ride soccer scholarship to a jr college my grandpa’s response was “hmmm not an actual college?”  And everytime I see they have something negative say, my hair is to long, I’m not dressed right, I shouldn’t be drinking milk, I shouldn’t eat chocolate, I shoudln’t call my Fiance when I don’t see him for a weekend, I shouldn’t have a wedding, I shouldn’t get married, I don’t have a perfect 4.0  GPA, I stopped playing soccer competitively (even though they never supported me playing in the first place) They are just awful! I’ve learned to avoid them at all costs, and when I do have to see them my response to them most of the time is “yep, ok, uh huh, hmm”  But it is super hard to not confront them, thats why Fiance has only met them twice I refuse to put him in a situation were he will feel forced to defend me and then end up looking like the bad guy.  Ignore them, don’t make efforts to see them, and if you have to see them don’t pay attention to what they say.  If they are dumb enough to treat their granddaughter like this then they deserve the effort you keep putting in.

• sparky263
• 8 years ago

Definitely possible to dislike your family. (even hate them..like I do)

I have just recently put a complete end to my relationships with the entire side of my dads family. 

If you have tried numerous times to contact and rebuild the relationships with them and they will not meet you half way on the matter then it may be time to put them aside. It sounds like you have done almost all you can do to try to regain that relationship with them

Depending on your personality and how you deal with things you could always write them a letter explaining how you feel and why you feel that way and then leave it in their hands to decide how they are going to react (although you have to be ready to accept whatever happens). You could always stop contacting them and if they open the lines of communication again just be polite and work on repairing the relationship. Or you could cut all ties forever (again depends on how strongly you feel about the issues between you). Cutting all ties though is a very difficult thing to do and I dont really reccommend it if you hope to have a future relationship with them..its someting that you cant ever look back on.

Sorry if I am rambling just thougt I might be able to give some advice since I have recently been in a similar situation and know how hard it can be.