Post # 1
Is it possible to have a terrible engagement but wonderful marriage? Do you guys know anyone that had a very stressful engagement but actually have a healthy 10, 25, or 50 year marriage?
Stories and examples are greatly appreciated
Post # 3
Happened to my parents – their 8-month engagement was miserable because their families had very different conceptions of what the wedding should be like, who should come, where it should be, etc. So they were both kind of torn between their parents and their fiance. Tough stuff.
BUT – they’re going on a trip to Italy next month to celebrate their 25th anniversary, so it all worked out! Haha.
Post # 4
That’s a tricky question. What are you fighting about? I mean, if you’re getting into fights about wedding details, I wouldn’t get too worried about it. Wedding planning is stressful and often that can relay itself into other areas subconsciously. If you’re fighting about whether or not you want kids, how to handle money, etc, that’s stuff you should really work towards sorting out now because for most people those are deal breakers.
Post # 5
I firmly believe wedding planning can either bond a couple or point out the glaring flaws in their relationship. Is it possible? Sure! As long as both parties are on the same page about what the issues have been.
Post # 6
Gosh, I don’t know. Depends on why the engagement is rocky I suppose because marriage doesn’t just magically make everything better.
Post # 7
We appear to disagree on the following:
Spirituality – I’m more open with my belief…this is not really a disagreement but I would like us to develop a deeper relationship with God…he believes but is hesitant to spiritual growth…I do not push him but I wonder how that will effect child rearing.
Finances – Being financially responsible & debt free is very important to me. He thinks its okay to rack up credit card debt and knowingly not pay the bill. He feels that “good credit” is not necessary if everything is paid for in cash. I feel that while you shouldnt abuse credit cards, good credit can be needed at any given moment…kinda like insurance.
Family – His family seems really involved while my family’s take is “Your business is between your hubby & you.”
Getting Married – He wants to remain in a relationship but continues to push the wedding date back. A one point, I was like either I want to move forward or move on. Now, he wants to push everything back by a few months. With all this “push back” we will be approaching a 2 year engagement, so I dont believe this push back will be fulfilled. Additionally I am re-evaluating how I feel all together…hence the question.
Post # 8
Oh gosh, we fight all the time. Our engagement was even worse because… umm our families are crazy. And we are stressed out. Long-distance relationship was 2.5 years too long, so we are getting anxious about finally being together, yay! We aren’t perfect. But we always go to sleep happy no matter what. I think you can have a wonderful marriage whether you have an awful engagement or not.
But yes, it depends on what you’re fighting about. AKA cheating, etc etc. Even then, there are stories everywhere of people who make it work. 🙂
Post # 9
@2shy2Bbf: Well… those aren’t really situational problems that are going to fix themselves, or be resolved with marriage. Those are pretty serious issues that go right to the heart of the relationship. If I were you, I’d want to work all of that out before you are legally bound to each other.
Post # 10
Oh I just saw your post.
Spirituality – This would be a problem for me if we were at very different places. Yet everyone grows differently, so I think you can make it work.
Finances – Take a Dave Ramsey class togther, please! My fiance and I are doing this and we are able to talk about what we like and don’t like about it… while learning to make wise financial decision. Google, FPU Online, or Dave Ramsey.
Family – Not a deal breaker. Y’all will have to learn how to incorporate your two family stlyes into your own family. It’s hard (my situation is like yours in this instance) but it’s worth it 🙂
Getting Married – I would suggest pre-marital counseling to discuss all of these issues. It gives you an objective person that allows each couple to talk about how they feel on certain issues. Y’all can also get to the bottom of whether he wants to get married or not. He may be scared as hell (like many guys). Counseling will help, I can’t wait to start ours!
Post # 11
I agree with @jayce:. The issues you outlined aren’t typical “wedding related” fights, and are more about the relationship itself. Do I think engagements are argument free and without new arguments? No, because I think your relationship continues to grow. I think you guys are at a point where it is either fix those core issues or move on. He obviously feels the same way, as I take it him “pushing the date back” has a LOT to do with him feeling like you guys aren’t ready either. Maybe he just can’t verbalize it as well.
Post # 12
@2shy2Bbf: Wow… those are the big ones. God, Money, and Family.
Have you thought about pre-marital counseling? You really need find a way to discuss these issues. These are not things that will just go away once you are married (other than pushing the wedding date back).
These are serious issues and you need to work them out before you get married, or at least figure out how to discuss these issues without them turning into a fight.
Post # 13
I think I am currently have a terrible engagement because of wedding plans. THey are so stressful on us both. We never argue but recently raise our tone because someone isn’t doing their part (him ^_^). So I would say that if this is the type of terrible engagement its understandable. Bridezilla might take over or the lazy groom might kick in.
Post # 14
Thanks you guys.
We have gone to counseling twice (1st with my pastor & 2nd with a professional counselor). These appointments were about 1 year apart. He doesnt “believe” in counseling so I dont know how much can be fixed if we consistently met with a counselor.
Sometimes I wonder if the things that I would like him to change are “too much” to ask. Maybe we are not as compatible as we thought we were. He has been my best friend for 10 years now…so that is what hurts/scares me the most.
Post # 15
@2shy2Bbf: I’m sure it is terribly scary, but if he doesn’t “believe” in counseling, can he logically explain why? There are different TYPES of counseling that may be better suited to his personality and thought processes. I wish you the best of luck.
Post # 16
I think those are very big issues to work out. I hope you can get some type of non-“counseling”–There are places to get financial planning/homeownership type workshops, (at your local community college, city/county workshops etc) again-it would be good to continue to see your pastor to continue exploring your comfort with faith based issues-maybe you can start both get involved in the church you belong to in a way that you both feel comfortable with. And at the minimum -talk about how you would like your “family life” to be the same and different from the ones you grew up in. There is no problem with taking the time to work these out-or deciding you are not in the same place and deciding that maybe you are not meant to be together. Perhaps there are family or friends whose marriage/family life you admire. Maybe visiting with them would be good too. I wish you much luck.