Post # 1
I know many people say, it is your day, do what you want. But the reality is, it feels like its what my family wants. They say they will do anything but are sullen when its something they don’t care for. People are telling me what they want to do and questioning everything. I just want a peaceful day, nothing over the top, but it feels like everyone is putting what they have dreamed of on me. Granted, I’ve never planned an imaginary wedding. I never looked at wedding dresses, ordered bridal magazines, I’m just figuring out what I want. I don’t want people to be upset but I don’t want to look back on my wedding day with regrets.
Post # 3
It’s not just your wedding — it’s your fiance’s wedding as well. Other than that, I think other people should not force you to do things you really don’t want to do, but you should recognize that your mom might have some opinions!
Post # 4
@MyOwnWoman: I feel the same as you do. FILs are paying for the entire thing (their choice/long story) and I was telling Fiance the other day that I feel like it’s FMIL’s wedding instead. She just buys things and makes plans without consulting me whatsoever. I feel like like she forgets that this is a wedding and is planning it like some backyard get together. Sigh. It is what it is. I’ve tried putting my foot down on certain things so hopefully it works. FI has been vocal about it as well, but she took it to heart and was really upset with what he said. So that didn’t really work.
Post # 5
@MyOwnWoman: Figuring out what you and your fiancee want is important. The best advice that someone gave to me was this: both you and your fiancee pick 2 things that are most important to you about your wedding. Those 4 things you do not compromise on-for anyone. For example my 2 were, I wanted an outdoor ceremony and a location that was close enough for my 93 year old grandparents to travel to. My husband’s two were, he wanted a place that was pet friendly so our dogs could be part of the ceremony and he wanted an outdoor ceremony. My Mom was not thrilled with the idea of an outdoor ceremony, but she came around once she saw the venue.
Post # 6
@MyOwnWoman: I’m pretty sure everyone trying to plan a wedding has felt like you do. It’s normal and some days will be good and some will be bad. My best advise to you is to pick your battles. If it’s something really important to you stick to your guns. If it’s something that you don’t really care all that much about be able to compromise. Dish out some tasks to family members/friends who can help (my mom was in charge of looking at photographers because she loves photography).
Good luck, it’s a huge learning curve for us that weren’t into weddings before we were engaged!
Post # 7
@peachacid: I understand that. When I said “my”, I wasn’t meaning to exclude him. He is very much involved things. He’s gotten us a DJ and his mother will be making our invites. He is as excited and clueless as I am.
@Rouquine: We’re paying for the wedding ourselves so I can only imagine how much harder it would be to have to put your foot down when someone else is paying. At least your Fiance is being vocal and standing his ground as well.You don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but at least she knows how you and he feel.
@StarryNight2011: Thank you for your advice. Luckily what we both deem important are the same for the most part; venue for both of us, food for him, photography for me. The Future In-Laws want us to get married in their church but I want an outdoor ceremony and he supports me on that. Thank you again.
@Treeline: I wish my mom would be a little more helpful. I asked her to help plan the engagement party and she just gave me a very unethusiastic okay. Its not like I was asking her for money, I just want her to help set up and clean up. My father jumped at the task and booked us a place to have it and even paid the deposit when I told him he didn’t have to. He even volunteered to clean it all up. I just want support like that. And you’re right about it being a huge learning curve for us who weren’t into weddings. Its like a whole new world!
Post # 8
@MyOwnWoman: I totally know how you are feeling. My parents are paying for a majority of the wedding (which I am SO increadibly grateful fot even though we never asked for them do to this). Sometimes it feels like it’s their wedding! Like other bees have said, we decided what was really important to us – location, date, ceremony music – and have let them have their way with what they found important – food/bar, music, etc. I’m just trying to keep in mind that we’ll be married at the end of the day, all of our family will have been there, and that’s all that really matters.
Post # 9
@ALee17: I would probably be okay if my family were paying for the majority of the wedding but they are not. We are paying for everything ourselves. No one has really offered to help financially and that’s ok. We’ve always known that we would probably be doing this ourselves. We are in this together.
Post # 10
My Fiance and I have recently dealt with some drama with Future Mother-In-Law. Upon trying to get past everything, we were given some valuable advice:
The wedding is for your parents, the honeymoon is for you. The sooner you realize that, the sooner your life will be a bit less stressful.
Personally hard for me to agree with that, but I’ve learned to just be agreeable to some things to avoid the drama. Granted I think that is a bit different if you are footing the bill for everything, but I think EVERYONE gets caught up in the planning, thinking it’s “their” day (AKA parents going overboard).
Post # 11
@MackInChiCity: I completely disagree with this. How is the wedding…for your parents exclusively? Its about YOU getting married. I dont see why you need to have a ceremony in a style you dont want with people you dont know there just to appease them.
Thats a great way to look back on an important day in your life and not enjoy it.
Post # 12
I know what you mean. My Future Mother-In-Law has been trying to dictate the wedding and reception since the day we announced we were engaged. My Fiance and I have been at odds with her to the point she’s standing there screaming “It’s my day, too!” We wanted a small and intimate wedding, and she wanted an elaborate affair with 5 course meals, dancing all night, and drinking. She didn’t care that half of my family would refuse to attend if there was any alchol, including my Grandmother. Even though she is not providing any of the money, we did make a lot of compromises which were not good enough for her. She offered to give $500 (Out of $3000) for a reception venue with the condition we did things her way. Her new thing is that the tux rentals that include everything are 6 dollars more than the bridesmaid dresses were, and that they are 40 dollars more expensive than the ones they rented for her wedding. In the 1980’s. She even told my Fiance that he shouldn’t marry me because I wouldn’t do the reception her way.
Every couple is different. My Fiance and I want a meaningful church ceremony. The reception is great and all, but to us the wedding is really about exchanging marriage vows with the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. We compromised by including almost all of her guests, which in itself took a massive blow to our budget. She has more friends invited to the wedding than I, the bride, have. I have learned that no matter what, my Future Mother-In-Law is going to view me as the wicked witch of the west who is stealing her son away.
My advice is to make this day the way you want it to be, and any naysayers will get over it in due time because they most likely really do love you both. Please do not waste your bride time trying to make everyone else happy. This is the time to adjust to your new life, and to spend even more time strengthening that bond with your Fiance. Don’t let anyone manipulate you with money, or guilt.