Is it really too much to ask?

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I personally wouldn’t cherry pick children, but I couldn’t imagine asking someone to come to my wedding from a different country and ask them to leave the kids st home. That said, we are having a child free wedding, no exceptions. No parents have had an issue with it and have all arranged childcare as needed 

Post # 3
Member
356 posts
Helper bee

I don’t see what the problem is with hiring a babysitter. It’s your wedding and you do what you want. I have cousins with kids and I’ve made it clear that no kids are allowed. If they don’t want to come because of it, fine.

Post # 4
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee

I would not give in! Child-free weddings are very common and it is not your problem to figure out childcare. People act like they can’t spend a minute away from their children. If not for a wedding, what else would you hire a babysitter for? Do these parents never have a night off to themselves? Kids hate weddings anyway. I wouldn’t even be upset if they didn’t show up because they would be distracted by their kids the whole time.

Post # 5
Member
4539 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

pr716900 :  I totally get what you are saying and normally I’d say people will just have to deal and either accept or decline an invitation  without their kids. In this circumstance I think logistics and family relationships play a big part.

People are coming from interstate or overseas. This makes a big difference with logistics and babysitting. Lots of parents don’t like the idea of leaving kids with a hired babysitter they don’t know. The other problem is for example with your fiancé’s sister. She would provably normally attend a wedding and leave her kids with her mum or someone else she trusts. Everybody on her side will be at the wedding and unavailable for babysitting duty. Her usual backup babysitters will be at home where she lives. She could leave her kids back home with someone but 5 kids is a lot of responsibility to give someone for more than a night because I’m assuming that she will need more than one night to attend wedding functions. Normally if it gets too difficult one would just skip it but its her brothers wedding and I’m sure she doesn’t want to miss it. 

You have every right to a no children wedding but I’d consider whether this is going to impact family relationships down the line. Only you and fiancé can decide how to proceed. Good luck xx

Post # 6
Member
2714 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

Babies under a year old often can’t be separated from their mothers if they’re breastfed.  Every wedding I’ve ever been to which is child-free has made an exception for babes in arms.  I think your idea of having a babysat kids party is a really good plan, but you may have to allow babies if you want their parents to attend.

I should add that we had kids who were travelling at our wedding – my brother and SIL would not have been able to attend otherwise, and my best friend (bridesmaid) would have had a very difficult time being able to travel without her kids.

Post # 7
Member
8080 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

pr716900 :  you can absolutely have a child free wedding! But that might mean those guests won’t come so you have to be ok with that. What you can’t so is be pissed when people skip because they don’t want to leave their kid with a babysitter they don’t know in a new city. It would be nice to make exceptions for babies who are still breastfeeding (since they are typically so young they just sleep most of the time and it is impossible for mom to be away from the baby for that long) but again not necessary. I’m currently breastfeeding and I skipped an out of town wedding where she wasn’t welcome – no hard feelings but it just wasn’t realistic to attend. 

Post # 8
Member
5719 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

These are your FI’s nieces and nephews, what does he think? 

I think you are going to have a difficult time here, you have chosen to have a child free wedding however all the children are close family and are coming from out of town or out of the country.  The parents might not be able to leave their children at home for the weekend or pay to fly them to your wedding location in order to leave them in a hotel with a babysitter they don’t know and might not be comfortable with.  What means more to you, the child free wedding or your FIs siblings attending his wedding? 

Post # 9
Member
4568 posts
Honey bee

You use “I” an awful lot in that post.  What does your fiance think? How does he feel?  What does he want?  This is his family and 50% his wedding, too.

Post # 10
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2001

As a parent myself, if I was to attend my brothers wedding overseas there is no way in the world that I would leave my children with an unknown babysitter, in a foreign country, in an off site hotel.  That is just not going to happen, and I’m sure a lot of other bees with kids would agree.  

My husband and myself have attended child free weddings before, which I totally respect, however in those situations my babysitters were my parents, SIL or Aunt.  I’m sure your Future Sister-In-Law, would gladly leave her kids in the care of her mother, however since it’s a family wedding it sounds like she doesn’t have this option.

Unfortunately you and your Fiance have some tough decisions to make.

Post # 11
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I am curious how your Fiance feels? But regardless, it is you & your groom’s choice to have a child free wedding, it’s your right. I (or actually would have my FI) reach out to his sister and let her know gently that it is a child free wedding and you would be happy to help her find a sitter. I get that not everyone is comfortable with having a stranger watch their kids, so be prepared off the bat for some nos’s and possibly some family fall out. I think it would be really rude to show up with 5 kids in tow when a couple explicitly doesn’t want children there. But, only you & your Fiance can make the decision whether it is more important to have certain people there WITH their kids or they just not come. I would not allow some children to come and others not.

Post # 12
Member
257 posts
Helper bee

I agree with PPs – make an exception for babes in arms but I don’t think you have to accommodate all these children. You’ve given people advance notice that your wedding will be child free. If you can’t find care for your children, then DON’T GO. I don’t care whether you’re coming from overseas or not, I think its incredibly rude to just ignore the wishes of the bride and groom because you think you’re a special little snowflake who needs to be accommodated at every turn.

Post # 13
Member
1216 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I would never dream of asking someone to come to my wedding from overseas and leave their kids at home. Heck, i wouldn’t ask them to come from the next state over and leave their kids at home! That’s a huge ask, and like prior Bees have said, many parents are uncomfortable leaving their kids with a stranger, and the overseas factor complicates that. Will their cell phones work if the babysitter needs to get in touch with them? Is there a language barrier?

So to answer your question, yes, in my opinion it really is too much to ask.

Post # 14
Member
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

lostinparadise19 :  I think its incredibly rude to just ignore the wishes of the bride and groom because you think you’re a special little snowflake who needs to be accommodated at every turn.

It’s a bit of a stretch to equate wanting to see your brother get married to needing ‘to be accommodated at every turn’. 

Post # 15
Member
257 posts
Helper bee

abouttodoit17 :  What about “no children” isn’t clear? Why do I have to change my wedding to accommodate your children who weren’t on the invitation, brother or not? Chances are the brother knew this way before invitations went out.

My bridesmaid had a three month old when my wedding occurred and she made plans accordingly – and she was breastfeeding. Her mom came down and stayed in their hotel room with the babe, Bridesmaid or Best Man zipped out to check on her when needed/to feed and she was still present during the wedding. I didn’t ask her to do that, but she didn’t want to go against my wishes by bringing her kid to our day when we requested no children. Her own wedding was no children either, so she understood completely.

If you want to attend a wedding where they’ve specified no children, make the appropriate arrangements. The bride has even offered to get a hotel room and a sitter to help facilitate. IMO you’re being a jerk by saying “too bad, so sad, my children have to come to your wedding”.

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