Is it really too much to ask?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 16
Member
8051 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’m all for childfree weddings, but we don’t have any neices or nephews that would be effected, only friends and more distant family. We are having a 19+ semi Destination Wedding (5h driving away) with no kids. We knew that people might not want to leave their kids at home for the weekend and would decline and were totally ok with that. If FIs brother had kids I think it would be much harder to say no, and if they were coming from another country. I dunno bee, thats tough. I agree with PPs to ask your Fiance and see what he thinks. Its his family, and they are travelling a long way to see him.

Post # 17
Member
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

View original reply
lostinparadise19 :  Literally none of that rant was relevant to my comment but okay. 

Post # 19
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

I saw other posters say that you can’t ask people to come from overseas and leave their children at home. I just want to chime in to say that you’re not doing that – it’s a gross exaggeration. They can absolutely bring their children from overseas, and can leave them with the babysitter that OP is arranging. 

OP, you should arrange the babysitter, and stick to your guns. Since you and your fiance are on the same page, and it’s his-and-your event, you get to decide who is invited. They get to decide whether they want to attend or not. That’s the end of it. 

Post # 22
Member
2560 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

At this point, your Fiance has to step in and tell this family in Australia that they can either come, without their children (or come with the children and have them attend your daycare party), or you’ll miss them and see them some other time. It needs to be firmly, but politely, communicated that this type of behavior will not be allowed or accepted. Be sure to tell them that you are only giving a guest count for adults to the caterer and venue, and that only those guests you’ve allotted for will have food and seating. Don’t give in! Either that, or you have to allow all children to attend the wedding. It’s your choice, but really those are your two options.

If I were you, I’d be furious that someone dared dictate to me, at my event, for which I am hosting/paying for, who will come. Guests do not dicate the guest list.

Post # 23
Member
2702 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

pr716900 :  Unfortunately I think you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.  While there’s nothing wrong with wanting a child-free wedding, that doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences.  Since you have some many close relatives with children coming in from out of state and out of the country, excluding the children is essentially excluding the adults.  It’s awesome that you’re willing to rent a room and hire sitters, but that doesn’t mean parents will be comfortable letting a stranger watch their children in an unfamiliar place.  So it’s understandable that your FH’s siblings would be upset that they, essentially, cannot attend your wedding.  They love you and want to celebrate with you!

Personally, I think you should invite the children and try and set up some child-friendly spaces.  At the end of the day, I think your relationship with your family is more important than having a quiet, and undisturbed ceremony.  What is your ceremony location like?  Is there a space for a cry room?  Do you have a coordinator or someone you could designate who could usher parents with noisey kids to said cry room?

The other thing to consider is how old the children and what time your ceremony is.  If you’re flexible on times, it might be worth checking with the parents and try to coordinate the ceremony time around nap times and feeding times.  It’s kind of a pain, but if a quiet ceremony is important to you, it could go a long way to making that happen.

What about the reception?  Is there a seperate space that could be a kids space where you can have games and such to keep them entertained?  

Post # 24
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

They are coming from out of town and out of COUNTRY. What exactly do you want them to do with their kids? I understand a kid free wedding, but this is a bit much. 

Post # 25
Member
1159 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

Why don’t you hire a sitter for the wedding only and allow the kids to attend the reception? I think that would be a nice compromise.

Post # 26
Member
2178 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think that if the babysitter was on site (like at the same physical location but in room to the side) it would be a little easier for most parents – I am not a parent however I can’t personally imagine leaving my kids with a random stranger neither nor they I have met while I am in an area I am not familiar with and I potentiall coul be unaccessible in case of an emergency. Too many crazy people out there unforunately!  how will you be ensuring the qualifications of these sitters? are they people you personally know or just someone off of care.com or something?

 

also with 5+ kids you might find that the cost of multiple sitters x multiple hours + a hotel room  is a lot more than getting a few children meals at your venue so you might want to compare the cost

 

if this was a friend or a second cousin or something I would say stick to your guns but for his sister…. I think you need to really think about how this is going to play out long term (though to be fair some people might not care but personally I would rather my sister there with her kids vs not)

Post # 27
Member
8998 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
pr716900 :  for most people I agree to stick to your guns, but your fiances siblings are a bit harder. If my sister asked me to travel internationally for her wedding but my daughter would have to stay home or be left in a hotel with a stranger I would skip the wedding. And probably not speak to her for a while and most definitely would not send her a gift. Friends? Cousins? Sure. But siblings are different. Again you are within your rights to stick to your plan but know the consequences may extend beyond them just missing your party. 

Post # 28
Member
1693 posts
Bumble bee

If I were going to a wedding in another country and my kids weren’t invited, but the bride offered babysitting, I would be THRILLED. I would get to enjoy the wedding and not have to worry about my kids. I don’t know why this is an issue. It’s one evening without the kids.

Post # 29
Member
1260 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
pr716900 :  Oh, I definitely agree about that. If you’ve made it clear who you are and aren’t inviting it’s completely rude to say you’re going to show up with them anyway. However, you need to think about how this is going to affect the family dynamic going forward.

Is FI’s family the type to throw in your face for years to come about how they weren’t able to come to your wedding because their children weren’t welcome? It’s absolutely etiquette-ly approved the way you’re handling it, but it’s important to consider the effect on family relations on the whole and whether you both are comfortable with the repercussions of that. 

How far away would the kids’ party be? If it’s, say, a room right down the hall from where the reception is where parents could pop out and check on their kids regularly then the parents are being completely ridiculous. 

Post # 30
Member
2171 posts
Buzzing bee

I think if you stick to your guns on this, it will create bad feelings in your family. So what if a child interrupts the ceremony? The child can be removed and you will still get married, it’s not ruining it. I really think for you & your husbands future relationships with his siblings, you really need to rethink this. And, try to think about it from the sibling’s perspective as well. Hiring a babysitter you trust for however many days & nights can be expensive, hiring one in a town you don’t know can be risky, there can be many reasons why this isn’t a good option for them. Try to put yourself in their shoes and see how you would feel. 

I agree with PP that you need to figure out what is more important to you & your Fiance. Having a child free wedding that some of his siblings may decide not to be there causing long term hard feelings OR simply inviting them and embracing your new family. 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors