Is it really too much to ask?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 31
Member
14 posts
Newbee

If it was a wedding with most of the guests in town I would agree with you. First I want to say that I’m not a mother , so my opinion is not based on that. Your guests would be already showing you how important you are to them by traveling from other countries and cities for your wedding , taking vacations from work , spending money to travel etc. Most parents wont leave their kids with a babysitter they are not familiar with , specially in a different country. Your day care party would be perfect if it were on the same site where your wedding is taking place. Because if they are leaving their kids with a babysitter they dont know , they are going to want to check on them. If you decide to go ahead with the daycare party you need to hired more than one babysitter , be aware of any allergies and food preferences  and also expect a lot of complaints from hotel guests  because kids are kids and they are gonna be loud , specially when you are gonna have so many together.  Now your SIL , I’m gonna asume you dont have a good relationship with her because of how you were referring. Ask yourself this , would your Fiance be ok with his sister missing his wedding?

Post # 32
Member
1124 posts
Bumble bee

For what it’s worth…we had loads of kids at our wedding, and didn’t hear one peep during our ceremony. If that’s one of your main concerns, I would really try not to worry so much about it. MOST parents will take their kid out of the room at the first sign of crying/yelling from a child. If your ceremony is only 30-45 minutes, it should be perfectly fine. Parents know how to entertain their kids and keep them busy. 

Post # 34
Member
846 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Just. Say. No.

Post # 36
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2018

You should stick to your guns. You’re not obligated to invite anyone to your wedding and this includes children. Providing a suite with babysitters is extremely generous of you. FYI, some nanny services will also take babies but you’d have to give them a final count of how many children. I think it would be easier on you and your fiance to just pass on the list of babysitting services.

I can’t believe there are women saying they can’t be away from their babies if they’re breastfeeding. What year is this? Plenty of women manage to work and breastfeed, so a wedding ceremony and reception should be no problem.

If they can’t arrange alternative childcare, then don’t come. It’s incredibly rude of them to go insist otherwise.

Post # 37
Member
13905 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Asking someone to travel from another state or COUNTRY for your wedding and to not bring their children is very selfish.  

Post # 39
Member
14 posts
Newbee

I would side with you if she didnt had 5 kids. She would be paying for travel cots for 7 people!!! Its her brother’s wedding not something that would be easy to decline. I would be really upset if my brother was expecting me to travel with his five nieces and nephews for his wedding and then ask me to leave them with some stranger qualified or not is still a stranger and again I dont have kids so Im not bias. Also she is not any guess , she is your FH sister.  My FI’s nephew is autistic , he has tantrums on a daily basis and although I would love to have a tantrum free wedding , Im already preparing myself for the worse.  Because in the long run you are not gonna remember whose kid cried but who was there with you on your big day. But if your Fiance is ok with his sister missing the wedding then you dont have an issue.

Post # 40
Member
2178 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

View original reply
@ pr716900   I mean I think that you have to really figure out what is the issue here…. is the cost of the kids? is it the potential that they might be loud? or is it really that you are angry that they told you what they were doing? (which I absolutely understand – I would be annoyed too! but in the end I wouldn’t do something just to spite them if it didn’t make sense long term)

I personally think that while you are in your rights to do what you want by doing this you will pretty much end your Fiance relationship with his sister – she will never forget this – and likely with your in-laws in general (since most Mother-In-Law are going to side with their daughter). I know it sucks (and I hear you becuase I had to revise my child free wedding to include some out of state kids) but in the end to me personally having my family be there was more important and honestly the kids did nothing to detract from anything (I did ask my cousin with the month old infant sit in the back row of the ceremony in case there was an issue and they happily complied – to my knowledge she slept right through it though or at least I never heard anything)

if you are still ok with all that then go for it…. but if you or Fiance have any doubt find another option (like someone onsite to keep the kids busy and occupied)

Post # 41
Member
635 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@ pr716900   If having your dream wedding day is worth damaging and likely ruining multiple family relationships then proceed with your child free wedding.  Just like every other aspect of life, you can’t just do whatever you want and there not be consequences.  Your expectations of people leaving young children off-sight with strangers (you deem qualified) is completely unrealistic and I would judge parents who would do it.  Be very mindful your fiancé is likely to be resentful of you when the family drama extends past the wedding day and will set a pretty sour tone to the beginning of your marriage. 

Post # 42
Member
8998 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
@ lenaj821   some breastfed babies won’t take a bottle so yes…they are stuck being with their kid. I personally have low supply and am not able pump enough to replace being together (I can get 1 bottle a day and she drinks it that evening after nursing because my supply dips below what she needs in the evenings). So sibling or not I would have to miss any event where she isn’t welcome because I have FEED MY KID. 

Post # 43
Member
3443 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

It comes down to how you and your Fiance feel. Thats the bottom line. You aren’t forcing anyone to travel anywhere, sibling or not its still an invitation not a summons. So if he’s fine with her possibly not attending then stick with no kids. If not then prepare to have kids at your wedding. Personally, I’m not going out of my way to accommodate anyone rude enough to tell me they are bringing their crumbsnatchers no matter how the people hosting and paying for the event feel. Screw that relationship. But you need to weigh the pros and cons plus consider the potential consequences in this situation. Good luck

Post # 44
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee

I am really surprised at how many people here would be okay leaving their kids in an offsite hotel room with a stranger in a foreign country. 

I think you have the right to have the wedding you want, but yes, it comes with consequences you have to deal with. 

In this situation, if it were my brother getting married, I wouldn’t want to miss it. I would not feel comfortable leaving my kids with someone I didn’t know so I would end up coming to the wedding alone and my husband would stay behind in a hotel with the kids. But I can tell you, I wouldn’t be happy about it and I think I’d very much feel like my family was excluded and that there was no appreciation for how far we had to travel. 

I’m just being honest. You’re free to do what you want but you have to live with that. 

But also I feel like the cost of babysitters, pizza and a hotel room is going to cost way more than if they came to the wedding. Although it could depend how many kids there were in total. 

Post # 45
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2018

View original reply
@ LilliV  It’s the Bride and Groom’s day. If they don’t want kids there for any reason, then that’s what it is. If you cannot attend because of your special circumstances, then you should politely decline. It’s not your place to make them feel guilty about it.

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