Is it really too much to ask?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 46
Member
5023 posts
Bee Keeper

1.  No, you are not the one who HAS to coordinate things and handle it diplomatically.  His family, 50% his wedding, his handling.  You handle your family and he handle his.

2.  So long as you are in the same page – both of you agree that a child-free wedding is more important than the hardship it may place on any of your guests, then fine.  He has to be the one to decide that his sister is not a VIP guest he wants there under any and all circumstances and he also needs to be the one to handle it.

3.  You have the right to have a child-free wedding.  You do not have the right to expect that everyone agree with you or feel the same way or not be upset by it.  Every action has a consequence and you don’t have the right to expect to not have to deal with the consequences.  That’s just the way it goes.  Because you may hear yourself saying “our event is child-free – sorry for the inconvenience” and what they hear is “you aren’t that important.  we actually don’t care about your whole family or that this will cost you a considerable amount of money or inconvenience you.  Even though we gave you an invite, we don’t actually care if you attend because our vision is more important than you or your family and we don’t want you here if it ruins our vision.”  I mean it’s one thing if it is your co-workers two kids who you met once at a company picnic.  It’s another thing to basically tell your own nieces and nephews that you rarely get a chance to see because they live in the other side of the planet that they aren’t important enough to share in a celebratory occasion like the rest of the family because vision > relationships.  But it is absolutely your right to prioritize that.  You just don’t get to prioritize that and look like you are awesome people who care about those relationships then.  There are tradeoffs to everything you choose in life.

Post # 47
Member
1242 posts
Bumble bee

Wow. You are coming of as super rude. No one is gonna travel over seas and leave their kid behind! And if she’s bringing her kids with her then they better be attending the weddings! Do you know how expensive overseas tickets are? And no way in hell would I leave my child with a stranger babysitter- vetted or not. You need to decide if your princess day is more important than family relations.

Post # 48
Member
8997 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
lenaj821 :  agreed and I actually have skipped a friend’s wedding because she couldn’t come. My husband went alone and we sent a lovely gift and there were truly no hard feelings. I didn’t even ask if she could come because they had put on their website adults only and I respect that. I had an adults only wedding myself. But for a sibling that expected me to travel internationally I would be upset. I would still decline rather than force the issue but would be hurt that their perfect party was more important than family. 

Post # 49
Member
5909 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

 

View original reply
pr716900 : 

“So, is it more polite to not invite them all?!!”

Unless your Fiance has a strained relationship with his sister I find it hard to believe he would rather not invite her than have his nieces and nephews at his wedding.

Post # 50
Member
3804 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

I made it very clear that we were having a child free wedding and totally understood if people couldn’t make it because of that and told them their presence would be missed. Period. I’m not particularly fond of children and didn’t want them at my wedding. I had some people decline because of that and that was fine with me. I wouldn’t make an exception, especially for someone who stated they were going to do whatever they wanted to do no matter what you said. People have two options: attend the wedding and follow the parameters set or stay home.

Post # 51
Member
1260 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
annabananabee :  Your #3. Spot on. 

Post # 52
Member
5909 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

View original reply
MiniMeow :  you’re not wrong for feeling that way but I just find it hard to understand people who wouldn’t make exceptions for anyone, including their own brother or sister!

Post # 53
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee

This situation sounds like a great reason for you and your future hubby to just have your own small wedding get-away without all the guests. Just you, him, and the officiant! Wherever you want! No worrying about keeping a bunch of people happy, some of who have stated that they don’t care what you want and are doing the opposite anyway! It’s your and your husband’s day!

Post # 54
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

It’s really kind of you to arrange babysitting, but I think I’m with a lot of people on this one in that this is a special circumstance you may need to make an exception for. Yes, it does suck that she has 5 kids, but … This is a family wedding and it’s his own sister we are talking about, coming from so far away, paying for all her kids to come meet their new aunt to a new country. Plus one of the kids is an infant. I would suck it up and maybe compromise – can the babysitter be on site for the other 4 kids? Let the infant come. Don’t turn this into a fight with someone as close as a sibling.

Post # 55
Member
5398 posts
Bee Keeper

How many kids in total are we talking about? 

Post # 57
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
cmsgirl :  sounds, then, like these parents have put themselves in the position of not being able to attend this wedding. It is not Bride and Groom’s fault that these people have children, it is not B & G’s problem. It’s incredibly unfair that birth order often dictates such things. For instance, when my oldest brother got married he had a childfree wedding with no distractions and all the focus on he and his bride. Now, 8 years later, my wedding was a slew of burp cloths and distracted grandparents. It’s absolute crap. Get a babysitter or stay home. 

 

 OP– Do **not** give in, you will regret it. These parents have no right to burden you with their kids. Weddings are NOT a family reunion. It’s about the couple getting married, and it’s not an event for children. Are you going to have a face painter and pony rides there?? No of course not. Don’t be ridiculous. No kids. 

Post # 58
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee

I have been to a beautiful wedding ceremony that was basically ruined by 2 different young children loudly talking, whining, and crying, but actually by their parents who then did NOT remove them from the room! Ugh. We couldn’t hear hardly anything that was said. 

When my brother was married & I had young children, there was a nursery available at the church where the ceremony/reception were being held. We were able to play with our children in the nursery for a long time ahead, leave the youngest sleeping in there with a nursery worker during the ceremony, and then we popped in and out during the reception, and the children could be at the reception when they weren’t sleeping. It was wonderful for parents to have a place right on site, and I do think in this day and age you need vetted workers, and at least 2 of them. 

I like the idea of going the extra mile for these nieces and nephews. If you plan special activities for them to do, you should be able to accommodate them at the “wedding” somehow, even if they are not actually sitting in the ceremony. If the room where the children can be having fun can be very close to where the parents are, that would be appreciated. Make sure to take some fun pictures with the children with the bride and groom. 20 children is a lot! I think under your circumstances, you need to find a way to accommodate them and compromise. The future family relationships are at stake here. 

Post # 59
Member
4700 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
calliekalico2 :  birth order dictates such things….bahaha!

I’m the youngest and last to get married in my family too.  All my siblings weddings were grandchildren/neice/nephew free due to fact nobody was born yet. My Brother-In-Law missed the beginning of my reception because he had to take my nephew to have a nap. I didn’t feel the need to be upset because frankly I’m understanding of the responsibilities of parenting. I’m also aware that people love kids and I also agree that little kids are way cuter than I am or will ever be so I understand that grandparents and the like will ohh and are over them. This rant at me sounds like you’re upset because you feel that little kids stole your thunder on your ‘Speeshul Day’. No offence but your/mine/everyone else’s wedding isn’t as important to anyone else as it is to the bride and groom… Nor will anyone spend their whole attendance looking at you at your wedding and gushing how wonderful your wedding is and how great you look. So I don’t really understand your point that focus was taken away from you because it would have never been on you constantly from anyone on your wedding day anyway…

As i said in my original post I’m not against  couples having child free weddings. People can choose to accept or decline based on whether the situation suits them. I did however state why this situation may be a little difficult to navigate because of logistics/family relationships/geography that the bridecto be may have not considered and may not wish to discount because of the impact it may have on family relations down the line.

Honestly your tagging of me  and subsequent rant just confirms my thoughts that sometimes the children invited to a party aren’t the only children in attendance….

 

Post # 60
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
cmsgirl :  nice insults and conclusion jumping. Go ahead and think I’m childish and self centered, I don’t care. It’s how I feel. These kids aren’t OPs problem and parents should leave their kids at home. Weddings aren’t for children. Congrats on being *way* more mature and less self centered than me, you’re awesome!! Happy for you.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors