(Closed) Is This Even Right? Don’t Know What to Do… Emotional Release…

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

It sounds like the dynamics of your relationship have changed, but please don’t blame yourself. Have you tried talking to him about how things have changed and that you’re upset? His response will be a BIG indicator of whether you should stay or go. If he values and respects you (and the relationship), he will be understanding in the end, even if he gets a little irritated. But if he’s pissy and insists that it’s you, not him, that’s a red flag.

It could be that he’s stressed, but it sounds like he’s just gotten TOO comfy and is taking your presence for granted. Definitely have a chat with him, but be sure to do it during a low-stress time for him.

Post # 4
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

This kinda happened w/my ex.  Granted he was all gung ho about getting married and I was like “meh, no thanks.”  And then he totally hated even talking about it after that, then everything just went down the crapper.

Which I’m thankful for.

I think it’s important that you identified that you don’t even know if you would say yes, but you don’t really say why you don’t want to break up.

Do you not want to break up because – holy shit – that’s a lot of change, you’re comfortable, you’re worried about the age, etc. etc.  Or because you legitimately want to work things out?

If it’s the latter, it’s time to point out everything to HIM that you just pointed out to us.  There is no shame in being vulnerable and telling him how you feel.  I’m willing to bet he’s got a lot of unresolved, pent up feelings too he may want to share with you.

A good talk can go a long way… good luck!

Post # 6
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@laughingemotions: Thinking about starting over and can be daunting.  Absolutely.  But you can do it.  Will you find someone else you deserve?  Yes.  Absolutely!!!  I hate to see people get stuck in that kind of rut, I did that to myself, and MY GOD, wish I had jumped ship sooner & stop letting my insecurities dictate my life.

However, I have to say…sounds like that’s not the ONLY reasons you’re staying.  Those kinds of obsessive thoughts I think kinda come with the package when you’re dealing with the “should I stay or should I go” crap. 

Easiest thing?  I know it sounds terrible – but make a Pros & Cons list.  And you HAVE to talk to him!  You guys have a lot going on for each other not to address it.  Either way, you’ll get some sort of resolution.  Living in limbo like that is total hell.

And, I know how you feel about talking to him.  Maybe some easy questions that don’t make him feel cornered.  How about a simple “How do you feel right now about our situation?” or “In what ways do you think our relationship has changed lately” after you lay out yours?

So rooting for you!

Post # 7
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Oh this sounds so tough for you! I’m sorry you’re feeling so stuck and sad. However, I don’t think you’re giving yourself proper credit here for what you deserve to have in a relationship: You deserve to have a man who can connect with you on the deep emotional level that you are looking for without all this hand-wringing, and you deserve to have a man who can “deal” with you, faults and all, without you having to make excuses for him.

You said you were afraid that if you passed him up, you would end up “settling” for someone else and you would always wonder, “what if?” Well, it sounds to me like you are actually trying to talk yourself into settling for him through a combination of excuses for him and blaming for yourself. Although he admits he can’t fulfill your needs to the extent that you want, at least he understands you. He may not be perfect, but he’s better than lots of the other crappy options out there who might take advantage of you. You want a deep emotional connection, which he can’t give, but it’s okay because he’s just a simple person. Also, you seem to see yourself as to blame for so much of the trouble: You pushed him too much about marriage, you went too crazy about a wedding, you’re “not the easiest person to live with,” and so forth. No, you’re not blameless, but where is his responsibility in this?

This of course begs the question of whether your needs are unrealistic, but it doesn’t sound like they are. So if your needs are not unrealistic, he says he can’t meet them, and you stay with him anyway—well, that is the definition of settling. Of course he’s an amazing person, honest and hardworking, and treats you well. If he weren’t those things, you would never have stayed with him this long and you wouldn’t have moved in with him. If it were easy to leave a situation like this, everyone would do it.

I would examine for yourself what would constitute that “110%” certainty you indicated you would need to leave him. You say you don’t want to settle—how would you know if you were settling? How much and what kind of settling is okay? 

I tried to settle once too for a guy who flat out told me he couldn’t handle me and my craziness, and it was bad news all around. Really the problem wasn’t him, though, it was me—I needed to know myself and my needs, to be realistic about what I could bring to the table and what I couldn’t, what I needed and what I could live without if necessary, and finally to communicate that to my partner. When I met my husband I was very upfront about my emotional needs, and he knew going in what he was getting himself into. Having someone who can deal with you, faults and all, without excuses being necessary, is so important, and for anyone to be happy I think they need to find it. If you can’t find it with this guy, then there is someone else out there for you, I promise. Stay true to what you really want and don’t settle. I hope you guys are able to work through this rough patch, and make sure you aren’t selling yourself and your needs short in the process.

Post # 8
Member
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@laughingemotions:

This may sound crazy, but relationships go through a ebb and flow, and there will be times he pulls away, especially if he’s not happy with his job/career.  It’s good to see this now so you’ll know how he deals with disappointment with where he is, as well as how you deal with it, too.  Cliché as it sounds, men really often don’t talk about how they feel (which is funny to me, as I get accused of expecting my SO to “read my mind”, like he’s any better about it :P).  He probably needs to know you’re there with him, even if he’s not the big success he feels he should be (our life expectations are often tied up in how well our relationships fare, men’s often are tied up in how well they do at work).  Even the bestest-ever relationships with those “super-couples” who seem to never argue or hurt each other will face problems from without – like job loss, family illness and disaster/accident.  If you can make it through the realizations of what living together as a couple means, you can probably make it through anything. 

You need to figure out what you consider a “deal-breaker” that would honestly constitute starting over – that’s a big step and you already know all it would entail.  You need to let him know what counts as a deal breaker – and I’m not talking ultimatums, like “Marry me or ELSE!”, I’m talking too much time with friends, cheating or drinking/gambling, total messiness, porn, anyhting you can think of that you’d not want to deal with in a future husband, as that’s the long haul, there.  He needs to know as calmly as you can talk about it, how the lack of enthusiasm makes you feel – not that you miss having a big white dress or an extravagant party, that it feels like he’s pushing YOU away, that you’ve done something wrong, and tell him what marriage means to you, and ask what it means to him.  Also, if he WAS put off by your enthusiasm, tell him you were just so excited he wanted to be with so badly you couldn’t help yourself.  An engagement ring, or sometimes even TALKING about one is one of the greatest compliments a man can give a woman – I doubt they quite understand that.

After living together a while, you probabaly have gotten past the “butterflies in the tummy” feelings and are now dealing with the sometimes grim reality of living as a unit.  The butterflies feelings can still be ther, but it takes work, and some people (not necessarialy your guy) would rather serial date to get that feeling than try to preserve it with someone special.

I know it’s hard as you probably want to talk about this all the time with him, but leaving him alone a bit might do more for you.  Try your best to let him know you’re there, but not underfoot, and let him come to you.  Women tend to feel better talking about a problem, even if nothing can be done about it.  Men want to be able to take action, and be able to “forget” about what’s bothering them when they’re home.  Hope that makes sense. 

Post # 9
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

I’m going to be honest — this does not sound like a guy who wants to marry you.  If he does, why is he delaying?  Why does he want to avoid talk of marriage?  You have a right to know where the relationship is going, and if it’s not toward marriage, you need to know that and make a decision regarding whether you want to stay in it.  Frankly, it sounds like he doesn’t want to marry you but wants to keep you around because he likes the companionship and/or it would be too hard to break up.  Don’t worry about “scaring” him with marriage talk.  You’re both adults.  Marriage is a normal and appropriate topic to discuss.  His avoidance is childish and ultimately, if he can’t discuss it as an adult, it’s better not to have him as a husband.

Sorry this is harsh, but I hate seeing women put up with this type of adolescent behavior from men.  Tell him to man up, or move on!

Post # 10
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

I’m really sorry that you’re going through this!

Ditto to everything Chicagowife said.  I do believe that relationships have highs and lows.  I think that maybe he is taking you for granted a little and you should give him some space-it might just make him remember how much he wants you in his life.  Maybe after a little space you guys can get together and talk about things and reconnect.

Good luck.

 

Post # 11
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

whoops!  I meant to echo Islme

Post # 12
Member
2025 posts
Buzzing bee

Wow, I must say this helped me a lot. Although I myself am not dealing with the hot and cold, I am dealing a bit with the feeling of settling because mine is also a hardworker, good man, good provider, and I’m terrified that if I leave (which not only do I have nowhere to go) but I will give up all those things for the one or two things I feel like I’m trully missing, ie: a social companion, and adventurer.

In my experience, being honest is best. If it bugs you, then tell him. Ask him if there’s other things in his life that are causing him to feel this way, remind him you are a unit, and that you are there to support him when he’s low and vice versa. A good talk always helps, whether guys like to admit to it or not. If the don’t solve the problem, they at least have a funny way of driving in the thorn a little more which also gives you your answers.

Good luck.

Post # 13
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

Wow! Lots of great advice here. Too bad there isn’t a correct answer, as you need to decide that for yourself. I know, because I am engaged and experiencing some of the same things.  My guy of nearly 5 years is hard working, caring, pulls his weight around the house, we share mutual friends, interests, etc.  BUT, I am having cold feet about the marriage. WHY?  Because of that feeling…am I settling because he’s my best friend and we enjoy our lives and it is comfortable, or is there someone else out there who gets me more and I could feel more connected with?  OR, is the grass always greener on the other side?

Like me, you may not have your answer overnight, in a week, or even in a month, but eventually you’ll figure it out. In the meantime, talk to someone who knows you and your relationship, talk to your Boyfriend or Best Friend, talk to someone who is impartial, and just listen to your gut and pray!

Post # 15
Member
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@laughingemotions:

I’m glad you’re feeling better.  Somehow, things can seem stressful before you talk about it, and I, personally, am so non-cnfrontational, it takes a lot for me to get the nerve to say anything at all.  One we DO talk, things are usually much better.  I hope things continue to go well for you. πŸ™‚

Post # 16
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Honestly keep talking to him. My Fiance and I were kinda in that slump and I finally had to sit down and talk to him to figure out what was going one. After we did that things were back to where they should be and a month later I am the Future Mrs. Gamer. It was the best thing for us and since then we have made sure to talk every night to make sure there isn’t anything getting at us that we aren’t saying.

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