(Closed) Is it right to rush a wedding before to suffer a bereavement?

posted 7 years ago in Jewish
Post # 3
Member
6597 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

Could you have the ceremony with your Father in law present so that he could witness the vows. And then in October still have your wedding for you to celebrate with your friends and family?

Post # 4
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I agree with @FMM:, just do the formalities so he can be included, and then have your big traditional wedding as planned?  but I’m sorry, I don’t know enough about Jewish culture to know if that is acceptable?  and considering he was so negative about you getting engaged, it’s kind of annoying that now all of a sudden everything is being based around this guy! I know that probably sounds really harsh, but had he been more supportive to begin with, you would have been married by now.

Post # 6
Member
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I am SO sorry this is happening to you, especially since they originally opposed your marriage. Not sure what advice to give, best of luck!

Post # 7
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m so sorry you and your Fiance are in this situation.

I know it’s disappointing to have to change your plans, but really, I think having the wedding while your FI’s father can be there is so much more important than having a big party type wedding. (If I could have my dad at my wedding, I’d trade that for all the dream dresses and perfect venues in the world–in a heartbeat.)

Maybe you could start by calling your officiant and your venue and explaining the situation? It seems like you have most of the planning done and decisions made, so maybe you can, with some help from vendors, have something near your vision?

(If I understand your previous post, you have to move the wedding either way; either up, before your Future Father-In-Law dies, or back, until after a year has passed?)

My heart goes out to you and your Fiance.

Post # 8
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

oh wow, that is really difficult, I didn’t realise you have to wait a year after a death.  umm, can’t really think of anything except doing a vow renewal a year or two after your wedding day, which i know won’t be anything like the wedding you want.  I’m really sorry i can’t be more helpful 🙁  maybe things won’t be as bad as you think if you try and do a rush wedding, i know some people manage to pull things off very fast, so if you just had it close friends and family, explain the situation and maybe your closest friends and family would take time off work and somehow you can have a bit of a celebration.  obviously i don’t know where you live or where your family lives, how easy/difficult this would be. but i know if a good friend called and said she had to get married in three weeks’ time then i would be there! 

Also i guess it depends on how strongly you feel about observing religious traditions, some people don’t mind ‘bending the rules’ so to speak while others very feel strongly it is important to observe what tradition dictates, so it does need to be what you’re comfortable with. I’m so very sorry, I’ve realised I’m not being helpful at all!  good luck though, i’ll be sending through some positive vibes to you.  ((hugs))

Post # 9
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2013 - Home

I am not familiar with Jewish customs, so I don’t know if my advice will be helpful.

No matter what happened before, he is still your Fiance father. Pull together the very best celebration you can in 3 weeks. No matter what, it will still be your wedding day. Let the guests know what happened, that due to a family emergency, it had to be moved up.

Do customs allow you to still go on your honeymoon? If traveling is still allowed, go on your trip as planned.

Then, next year, if you still want a big party, do a big anniversary party.

What’s most important is for your FI’s dad to be there. Yes it would have been nice for them to have accepted things earlier. It’s understandable to be upset and even grieve for the celebration you have planned.

My prayers are with you and your family.

Post # 11
Member
921 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I am so sorry to hear that.

 

You can do a rushed traditional wedding. Get a sample dress and get it tailored to fit. Find a smaller venue, invite less people, but still go the traditional route. Your father in law to be deserves a “real” wedding as much as you do. Don’t cheat yourself on the traditions and beauty in order to include. DO rush the wedding, but you can still make a rushed wedding very lovely.

 

Best wishes.

Post # 12
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@littlesunbee:

Ah, the international issue.

Is it possible to get married in a small private ceremony with your FI’s family now,if they are the only ones that would be able to attend anyway, and then go ahead with your wedding as planned in the other country?

 

Post # 13
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2013 - Home

Talk to your immediate family as soon as possible to see if there is a time they can make it. That’s the first step.

Post # 14
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

A) Try to move heaven and earth to get your immediate family there for the rescheduled ceremony.

B) If that’s not possible, I recommend talking to a rabbi you trust/feel close to, if possible. S/he might be able to give you good guidance. It seems to me like it would be a mitzvah to do this for your fiance’s father, and a way to truly heal and forgive the bitterness that their initial opposition caused.

Sending you huge hugs and support.

Post # 15
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I know that traditionally, you don’t cancel a wedding if someone dies unexpectedly.  My mom’s grandfather passed away right before my parents wedding and they went ahead with it, as planned, orthodox wedding and all (her parents were done with shiva but still in shloshim).  I think it’s tricky because you KNOW that he might not make it and have the opportunity to move up the date.  I would check with your rabbi and see what he advises.  Alternatively, maybe you could have a civil ceremony with his family, and then have the religious ceremony with everyone when you originally planned it?  It also might be different then my example because it’s actually the groom who would potentially be sitting shiva/mourning, as opposed to my mom’s mother, who just had to attend the wedding.  My gut feeling is that if you stick to the original plan and your FFI doesn’t make it, your rabbi would still tell you to have the wedding because of what a Jewish wedding symbolizes to the entire Jewish people, etc, etc. but I totally understand how it would be a shadowed affair.  Good luck, so sorry to hear your dilemma.

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