Post # 1
I told my mom I sent the bridesmaids a message asking how involved I am supposed to be in the shower and bachelorette and she said that was “greedy and mean.” I don’t understand. I just meant it saying I could help, but I guess those things should not be expected. Its just if no one steps up and I don’t get to experience those things it will be disappointing so I just wanted to check in because nothing seems to be happening. Was what I did rude or does it make sense? Its not like I’m expecting some elaborate event, but I am expecting something and am willing to plan it if necessary. Please no comments about being “gift grabby.” I don’t even care if people bring gifts. I would just like to have the experience and celebration and now know how hard it is to plan things.
Post # 3
I think if you just sent an email saying hey if there’s anything I can do let me know! Then thre’s nothing wrong with that. And if showers and bachelorette parties are common where you live and among your friends there’s nothing wrong with assuming there will be those for you as well. I have thrown and attended more bachelorette parties and showers than I can count, so yeah when my turn came around you bet your ass I expected that the same would happen for me, and I dont’ think that’s out of line. In my circle, I would have had to have really pissed people off over something in order for no one to throw me one or the other, it’s just what is done for every bride.
Post # 4
What you did was fine.
I don’t understand why people are so reluctant to talk about this kind of stuff- these are supposed to be your nearest and dearest friends. As long as you don’t demand anything, or expect anything expensive, your friendship should be able to survive a few innocent questions.
(BTW, if you truly don’t want gifts, you can ask people to bring a recipe or a dessert to your shower in lieu of one)
Post # 5
@aconnor82: I totally know how you feel. I’m usually the first person to jump in and offer to plan someone else’s shower, especially if I’m in the wedding party. So when nothing seemed to be happening and no one was asking what dates worked best or who the guest list should (not) include, I got a bit sad, and cried to my mostly-understanding fiance. I guess I just hoped that, given my past enthusiasm for parties, that my friends and wedding party would be just as enthusiastic.
In the end, I was just thinking about it way too early, and my MOH/sister who’s also a party person took charge on the organization front!
Post # 6
@aconnor82: i don’t think its rude. BUt I can see what your mom is saying. Are you expecting it to be a surprise? I am not a fan of brides that are involved in the showers, bach parties are a different story but the shower is something thats thrown for you. I would maybe speak to one of your BMs on the DL and find out if they want you to be involved at all.
Post # 7
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
I think it’s fine. My wedding is in May and I have heard nothing about a shower/bach being done by my bridesmaids/MOHs…one is my close cousin, my Mom said she is going to ask her since she sees her more than me…because I guess she kept saying they were going to plan something. But no word yet.
Post # 8
I am too involved in both. I cannot have surprises as I have a toddler and a very demanding job hours wise. So I am helping to plan the shower as well as the bachlorette party.
Post # 9
I’m the Maid/Matron of Honor in my friends wedding. If anthing you should be somewhat involved with your bridesmaids. We had our bride build a bridalshower/bachelorette board on pintrest with things she likes but we aren’t giving a huge amount of details to her because we told her most will be a surprise with she is okay with because we asked her if she wanted to know everything. They should be getting with you about dates, guests lists, and other minor things. It isn’t rude to ask them if they need help.
Post # 10
I agree with your mom. It was rude and presumptuous. I appreciate that you’d be disappointed if they don’t host a shower and/or bach for you, however no one is obligated to give you those parties. If they want to do something they will, and they will approach you about it when they are ready.
Post # 11
I don’t think its rude or greedy at all. Every bride I know has had a bachelorette and bridal shower, unless SHE specifically says she doesn’t want one. You can most definitely ask…
You’re not telling them to do one for you, just saying if you are planning one, can I help in any way? Besides, you only get to be a bride once. If you want a shower, you
should be able to tell your mom, sister, or Maid/Matron of Honor that without judgement. Your best friends are the ones you shouldn’t have to worry about judging you. I can tell my best friend things that make me sound greedy or picky and not worry she’s judging me. I would never say those things to others though…
I told my sister just to please give me some notice bc I want to make sure I have my nice dress for the day etc. That’s not presumptuous, bc she’s my sister, I expect her to throw me one, just as I’ll throw one for her when she’s engaged (soon).
Man, your best friends and sister/mom are the people you shouldn’t have to worry so much about being proper and ettiquette with. If my sister told me she hadn’t been planning on throwing me a shower, I’d just tell her that I’d really like one and it would make me feel more bridal etc. She wouldn’t be like “man, you’re so selfish”, she’d be supportive and do it
Post # 12
@Xu: Well I won’t say another word then, but I feel like not having the bride at least communicate her expectations leads to confusion.
Post # 13
I planned my own pretty much, just easier for me to do it than stress anyone else out.
(I also did my girls parties)
Post # 14
- Wedding: September 2014 - Waldorf Astoria, Chicago
I see nothing wrong with it. In fact I’ve been helping out with mine all along. I have 4 Bridesmaid or Best Man and my Maid/Matron of Honor. Everything was falling on my Maid/Matron of Honor b/c my sisters (3 BM) are poor and live across the country. My Future Sister-In-Law 4th Bridesmaid or Best Man stepped up to help my Maid/Matron of Honor and the three of us have been emailing and working out the condo rental for my destination bachelorette party to Lake Geneva. Now that it’s booked the planning is on them. I also mentioned to them that I would like my shower to be on August 2nd b/c my family will be traveling from AZ to attend and I want to give them plenty of notice in order to get flights.
I think Showers and Bachelorette parties are expected and if you can’t help plan or talk about them with the people you care about the most there is someting wrong with that! Now if they told you it was a surprise and you kept asking that would be rude, but asking about them in my opinion is not rude at all!!
Post # 15
@MrsPhilly: I agree with you 100%!! I unfortunately don’t have any sisters and none of my bridesmaids know each other so its tricky to navigate.
Post # 16
I don’t think it is rude but I would have went about it a different way. I probably would have had my fiance or Mom contact one of the girls to find out if something was being planned. My fiance knows that I would have liked those two things to happen for me (I’ve been to countless bridal showers and bachelorette parties for my friends over the years) so he would have gotten the scoop and then escalated accordingly to his Mom.