(Closed) Is it rude to bring an appetizer/munchy food to a party when not asked to?

posted 8 years ago in Cooking
Post # 17
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Kant: Wow, said dont bring anything to a potluck, eekk. I agree with most, plate it yourself, and make it an easy treat. Good luck to you!

Post # 18
44 posts
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would say it in a joking manner.. ‘ hey, how come what I bring gets shoved in the corner? ‘ I promise I didn’t put poison in it!’ so this will bring it to their attention in a funny way.. I use jokes to combat difficult situations.

Post # 19
1089 posts
Bumble bee

I too was always taught to “never go empty handed” to such functions.  It sounds like your Future Mother-In-Law is making things difficult for you.  I definitely say pick up an economical plate (either from the thrift store or dollar store. . .or use “seasonal”/decorative disposable plates) to nicely arrange your goodies on at the next get-together. 

You are being polite by bringing something, and your FMIL is being rude by not putting it out!  I’m sorry she is doing this to you.  I agree with Wonderwoman. . .kill her with kindness. . .and some yummy snacks!

Post # 21
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m torn on the issue, I don’t really think it’s her job to “present” it. It’s nice if they do… and I see others doing it but for example if you gave me something, I would be happy but I would also never present it, to me that’s your job. If you want it on a nice platter, bring one.

If the issue is presentation only bring your own fancy dish or whatever and put it on that to have her place it out.

Post # 22
13564 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Yeouch. That sounds like a pain to deal with. So sorry for that! I agree with your killing with kindness and yummy food tactic. If you continue to take the high road, she’ll end up caving due to remembering her manners or just feeling ashamed.

Post # 23
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would continue to take stuff, and then ask people ‘did you try ___ that I made? It is a new recipe!’ or something like that. After a few times, people might be like, ‘oh yea, @Kant: makes a good ___’ and then people will start giving your cooking credit. Seems as though she is just ‘marking her territory’ as the prime female cook in the family by shunning your stuff. It’s rude of her to hide what you brought, it’s not rude for you to contribute as a thank you for being invited. Unless it is cultural. If that is the case, then I’ve got nothing. Oh, and take it in a disposable dish or something that you can leave there, so she can’t take it, put it in her own dish, and hide it.

Post # 24
2584 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Kant: Oh, we call that stuff Puppy Chow! Must be regional 🙂

Post # 25
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’m sorry if someone already said this. Have your Fiance talk to her? Have him ask her if it’s all right with her. Maybe asking “permission” first will make her happy to set your food out. I.e., that you guys cared enough about her to ask first and “not step on her toes” and that you simply want to showcase your goodies.

Post # 26
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think if you ask and she says not to bring anything to functions that she’s hosting, then you should respect that. It’s not clear why she doesn’t want you to, but you have to pick and choose your battles. This just doesn’t seem to be one worth fighting.

You can host your own party if it’s important to you to feed others. Otherwise, I bring a nice bottle of wine or something for the host and call it a day. 

Post # 27
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I think you should ask Future Mother-In-Law if you can bring something.  If she says – yes – then bring what she suggests.  If she says no – then just don’t do it.

Every host/hostess is different.  And everyone has their own quirks.  Personally, I dislike it when people bring a dish to my parties (unless it’s been requested).  I spend a lot of time, though, and effort to create my menus, and usually the people who bring things want to showcase their own things – whereas I want all the praise for my efforts 😉  

In your situation, I don’t really get why FSIL’s get to share what they bring (aside from perhaps their creations are a reflection of their mother??) – or could it be that they have already plated it, etc.  I know if someone brought somethting in tupperware and expected me to plate it, figure out what to serve it, etc – I wouldn’t spend the time to do it (there’s already a lot going on).  

I think a gracious guest:  shows up on time, contributes to the party atmosphere (engaging in converstation, etc), and sends a thank you note afterwards.  In addition, if you want to go out of your way to thank Future Mother-In-Law – just bring a hostess gift (something she would appreciate that would be used afterwards).

Post # 28
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I would take something that I wanted to eat and sit there and eat most of it…but I’m awful that way.  Or, I’d move the plate from the corner and put it where it fits in (dip next to chips, cheese near other cheese, etc).  Plate it yourself…

Post # 29
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m on the other side of everyone’s opinions.  It IS rude to bring food to someone’s house if not asked; I feel this has even been written in the ettiquette books somewhere.  The hostess has planned her menu and it puts her in a bad place to feel obliged to serve someone else’s food.  In terms of not coming empty handed, if you ask ahead of time and the host says she has everything, then she means it.  It’s not rude if a host has asked you to just bring yourself.  Perhaps she requested the food from her sisters?  I’ll ask my sis to bring something because I know it goes with everything else I’m serving

Now in terms of her taking you seriously as a cook, can you host something so they see how wonderful your stuff is?  Or maybe something was wrong with one of your earlier dishes (stray hair) and she’s cautious to serve your food.  I’m NOT calling you a dirty cook, just providing an example for why she’s acting the way she is.  I do agree with earlier posts just to ask her nicely.  “is there anything I make that you like? or was something wrong with an earlier dish that makes you think I shouldn’t contribute?”  do this one on one, not in front of the rest of her family.


Post # 30
2025 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MidwestBride2012: Agreed. I think she’s rude by not putting it out if you brought something, and I would be pretty offended when I think about it, but it doesn’t really sound like a battle worth fighting. 



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