(Closed) Is it rude to decline being in a sibling's wedding?

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 61
Member
2850 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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TheGridMonster:  

You said: In the instances I’ve been asked to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man for weddings in other geographic locations, the only expectation was for me to show up that day in a dress the bride picked. The brides asked me because they care about me and wanted me to play an important role in one of the biggest days of their lives, not because they give a shit about me lending a hand to help with “wedding stuff”. I’m sure the same goes for your brother and Future Sister-In-Law. 

I thought it was strange that you would be so sure of the wishes of a couple you don’t even know. That is why I asked you a question pertaining to that. 

You may not be over the moon to do this, but sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the people you love and this is one you just have to make. Your excuses aren’t good enough 

Here you used “have to” twice in one sentence. This is why I said that the OP doesn’t “have to” do anything. 

None of us have the authority to judge whether or not another person’s reasoning is “good enough” either. 

 

 

Post # 62
Member
3954 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I haven’t read this all, but I would have been devastated if my future-SIL said no to being a bridesmaid. It really gave us a chance to get to know each other better, and I’m so glad she was in our wedding. I think you are being really selfish and maybe you’re jealous that they’re having a traditional wedding when you didn’t? If you’re 8-9 months pregnant at the wedding, then maybe you don’t go, but you’re not even pregnant yet. I think it would be really awful to say no.

Post # 63
Member
403 posts
Helper bee

It just irritates me when people come on here asking for opinions and then proceed to ignore the ones that go against what they have already decided they are going to do!

Obviously it is up to the OP what she does and not ‘random internet strangers’ but why waste everyone’s time?  No the OP doesn’t have to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man if she doesn’t want to but regardless of her excuses, she will upset her family.  

Post # 64
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I do understand your reasons. My fi was asked to be an usher at his brother’s wedding, but we;re not that close to them and there are issues around the little brother being his parents favourite.

That said, we talked about it at the time and fi felt it was just better to suck it up and do it on the day to avoid the conflict.

It was also nice for his grandparents, who don’t pic favourites between them and have been very kind to us as a couple, to see their grandsons all dressed up smart. So he tried to focus on what it would mean to them.

Personally, I might have taken a different approach. You’re a grown adult, and you have a right to do what you want. I think it’s fair and reasonable to just say no, so if you don’t want to be involved then don’t. You might be invting some drama, but it sounds like there’s some drama anyway!

Otherwise, although you don’t want to tell them you’re TTC, you could say you have a lot going on and you won’t be able to contribute much. With that knowledge they might re-think having you involved.

Or it might be the case that they will be organisaing everything, so all you need to do is wear the dress for a few hours and stand in a slightly different place. It won’t change much from you attending the wedding just as a guest.

 

Post # 65
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

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Koalaclark:  +10000

If you post on a forum, people are going to offer up their opinions based on how they feel if it were happening to them. Opening a thread is asking for some non-biased judgement from people who have zero emotional attachment or investment in your life. And chances are, a handful or more might offend the OP. 

I guess all of our replies should’ve just been a simple “yes”. 

 

Post # 66
Member
3080 posts
Sugar bee

As with any invitation that you receive, you can just politely decline. No one can force you to do something you don’t want to do. Weddings and funerals can bring out crazy opinions, in some families. Don’t get let yourself get sucked under, by it all. 

Post # 67
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m sure OP came on here asking for opinions because sometimes someone says something that gives you new perspective.  I don’t think anyone has been able to do that by telling her she just needs to suck it up and do it for family.  Not everyone places the same emphasis and focus on family and that is ok.  Under most circumstances we suggest to others that if you don’t have the bandwidth (time, financial, emotional) to pass on the invitation to be a bridesmaid.  I understand this is her brother’s wedding. But if she’s not up for it, then I don’t fault her.  If she knows she’s going to struggle to meet her brother’s standards and have to go to great lengths to be the perfect bridesmaid when she’s 6 hours away, i’d def say no thank you. 

Post # 68
Member
900 posts
Busy bee

Do whatever you want!  I think that the expectations regarding weddings, especially those involving familial obligations, are very disturbing.  If someone does not want to invite their brother/sister to be their groomsman/bridesmaid (or their brother-in-law/sister-in-law, or cousin, or whatever), then they should not have to invite them to do so!  And likewise, people who are invited to stand in those roles should feel no pressure to accept – they should be allowed to decline whenever they wish, for whatever reason they wish, including simply, “Sorry, but I’m just not up to that!”

Post # 69
Member
2407 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I would be really, really hurt if my sibling declined to be in my wedding.

Post # 70
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I think the potential rudeness of turning down a bridesmaid role can be mitigated by many factors, so until your sister in-law asks you, I wouldn’t worry about it. 

Just because she doesn’t have sisters herself doesn’t mean she is dying for you to be in the wedding party. She may have several close friends she’d prefer. Since she hasn’t asked you yet, she may not ask you at all. 

If she does, you and she can have a conversation and find out the expectations, and then you could either politely accept or politely decline. Don’t say any of the stuff about not liking weddings, or about your husband, or about TTC, just say, “I’m so happy for you both and can’t wait to be at the wedding, but I’d rather go as a guest.” If your future SIL is polite, she’ll immediately accept your choice rather than pressing you are inquiring further.

If it is inherently rude to decline being bridesmaid, then we have to acknowledge that asking someone isn’t really asking — it’s telling. 

Post # 71
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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newbeelove:  It is true that I don’t come from a toxic family, but why not try to take the high road and repair relationships? It sounds more like you wanted people to validate your feelings, which is fine, but I honestly think it would be one day of your life that you could be supportive of your brother, if you are clear with them about not being able to go to shower etc. because of distance, you will only have to wear a dress and smile for pictures….

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by shelbyBee.
Post # 72
Member
29 posts
Newbee

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newbeelove: I wanted to add to my earlier comment that I think offering to take on some of the more ‘crafty’ projects is a great idea. I had a ton of DIY stuff for my wedding that I enjoyed making and recieved a lot of compliments on, and it made me realize that many people don’t have the patience, time, or skill to do DIY well so if you have the talent and time- offer it! I think it’s a great way to be involved in the wedding. 

Also, I’m nearly 6 months pregnant now and I can tell you that for me, at no point in my pregnancy would I have wanted to be in a wedding. Between the nausea, dizziness, and fatigue, not to mention my changing body, worrying about fitting into a dress and going to parties and then spending a whole day with a bridal party taking photos sounds like a nightmare. I know lots of girls do it, but I would have dreaded it. 

And again, I’m sorry so many people are trying to make you feel guilty for doing what feels right for you. There’s a way to disagree with someone without making them feel like dirt, and I think some of the above posters are going beyond disagreement into making assumptions about you and your character.

Good luck TTC! It’s an exciting time! 

Post # 73
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Also, I agree with this:

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HBanan:   Just because she doesn’t have sisters herself doesn’t mean she is dying for you to be in the wedding party. She may have several close friends she’d prefer. Since she hasn’t asked you yet, she may not ask you at all. 

Post # 74
Member
3273 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

As someone whose only sibling said he’ll “probably” come to the wedding, I can see turning down an invitation like this.

ETA: He lives with my parents and could probably even bum a ride to the free food and booze

Post # 75
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Aug 30th, 2014

I don’t place a high value on family at all, and totally understand that toxic relationships are exhausting. There’s nothing to “repair”, there are only things to endure. It doesn’t sound to me like the existing relationship is a good one, so I don’t think you owe anyone anything just because you came out of the same vagina. Blood relations aren’t everything – if you’re expected to support and appreciate your family, it’s only fair that they support and appreciate you back.

I also think that it’s likely such a family would pressure you to attend pre-wedding events, etc. It’s just a feeling, but I don’t think they’d respect a plan to just show up in a dress on the wedding day.

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