(Closed) Is it rude to decline being in a sibling's wedding?

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 91
Member
2670 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

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PositiveThinking:  You ar emaking a lot of assumptions about the family dynmanics of many bess that just happen to disagree with you. I think most people now a days come very different families and to assume that because people think OP should suck it their families are ‘perfect” is just ridiculous.

OP: My family is the defintion of dysfunctional, but I still think your reasons are selfish and your family would be upset. Only you can decide if the benefits of passing is worth the fall out.

Post # 92
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2850 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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shelbyBee:  

Did you ever think that some familial relationships are beyond repair?

Of course not because you have never experienced it. 

Post # 93
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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PositiveThinking:  My mistake, just trying to help the OP with some POSITIVE THINKING.

Post # 94
Member
446 posts
Helper bee

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newbeelove:  It sounds like you would be spared all the planning because he would take over that.

Still, you can say you’re worried the stress could affect conception/ baby and if things do happen, you don’t want to be a large Bridesmaid or Best Man on photos. I think they should understand, but I hope you would both attend the wedding in general if at all possible. If that is not an option, you should arrange a dinner with them some time to celebrate, or invite them to your place for a stay.

One thing to celebrate: they are sharing the spotlight with you on their special day, although you feel he is your mom’s favorite. He is being inclusive at least, which is nice.

Post # 95
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615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

 

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newbeelove:  I do you not want to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man then I would decline if you are asked.  Being a bridemaid takes work and responsibility.  If you are not up to the task (especially if you know that you will asked of more than just buying a dress and showing up) then do not accept.  I think that if you accept you will be miserable which in turn can have an impact on the wedding planning.  While I do not think that you would intentionally do anything wrong, it is pretty easy to spot a less than excited bridal party member…. 

Post # 96
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

Personally I’d rather have someone say they’d rather not be part of the bridal party than to ‘suck it up’ and dislike every moment when it comes to the wedding.

Of course if it was sibling I’d be hurt- but I would get over it and suck it up.

It’s their choice to ask or not ask. And it’s your choice to accept or decline.

By offering other ways to help as in crafts you’re not being dismissive of their wedding day. But offering what you’re comfortable and able to give.

Ultimately plenty of Bees have given you advice on both sides of the story. Weigh your options and consequences to each action and go from there. The decision is yours and the outcome will be on you.

Wishing you much luck!

Post # 97
Member
2850 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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ieatunicorns:  

I don’t mind disagreement but I have a problem with insulting another Bee just because she wants to avoid dysfunctional family. 

I make that assumption because the vast majority of people who have experienced certain things are sympathetic to others who suffer with similar issues. 

I’m glad we had this conversation. 

Post # 98
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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newbeelove:  I’m an only child, and asked my first cousin to be in my wedding (she’s an only child too) and she declined…it broke my heart and I thought it was extremely selfish. It’s family…you don’t turn down family. Friends? Sure…but not family. Sorry…not saying you’re wrong, but giving you my experience. Best of luck to you!

Post # 99
Member
3953 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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PositiveThinking:  Because in situations like these, pulling completely out of the wedding of your brother is the type of thing that follows you for the rest of your life. In thirty years what do you think people are going to remember? It’ll probably be the fact that OP declined being in the wedding. Fiance asked his oldest brother to be a groomsman and was turned down due to various reasons and you know what, it really sucks. It made Fiance feel terrible for WEEKS afterwards. As much as his brother tried to give his reasons, they all felt flat and more like excuses than legitimate reasons he couldn’t be a part of our day. Sometimes the right thing to do isn’t always the easiest thing to do. 

OP, I still stand by what I said. I think this would be something you would look back on and regret.

Post # 100
Member
2850 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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shelbyBee:  

No you weren’t. You were just making ignorant comments based purely on your happy family. 

Walk in someone’s shoes before you judge them. 

 

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by amiona.
Post # 101
Member
2850 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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MrsMeowton:  

I agree that the best things to do are not always the easiest. You’re right. 

You made some great points. I just feel that some Bees could be more sympathetic to the OP’s feelings, instead of calling her a “bad sister” or other insults.

Disagreement is fine. Putting people down when they are struggling is not. 

Post # 102
Member
403 posts
Helper bee

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PositiveThinking:  I get that she has a dysfunctional family and that she thinks she has valid reasons not to attend her brother’s wedding.  My point was that it is clear from her responses throughout this thread that she had already made her mind up so I didn’t really get why she was asking what other people thought – she wasn’t actually looking for responses to help her reach that decision.

Post # 103
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I don’t get it.  I just don’t.  I haven’t previously opened this thread because it didn’t seem all that relevant to me, but I’ve watched as it has mysteriously grown to 7 pages over the last few days.

I don’t understand why people have such strong opinions on this.  What is the purpose of the bridal party anyway?  Why can’t someone be just as supportive sitting on a chair 10 feet away rather than standing up 10 feet closer?  I plan on having my sister as my maid of honor, but if she declined, I would be a little sad, but as long as she’s there, or supports the wedding in general, I’m going to be just fine.  And my relationship with my sister is very close.

The dynamics of a brother/sister relationship aren’t as cut and dried as a sister/sister relationship either.  It’s the Future Sister-In-Law, not the brother who is really asking for this favor.  Declining the offer isn’t the same thing as telling your brother you hate him and don’t support his marriage.  

I just today had a conversation with a friend about how she wasn’t excited about being in her brother’s wedding.  You don’t have to be rude and selfish and the worst person in the world to not want to be in a wedding.  It’s expensive, it’s time consuming, and it really does not show your support any more than attending and helping out in other ways.

Regardless of your reasoning, the answer to the question of this post: “Is it rude to decline being in a sibling’s wedding” is no.  The answer is no regardless of whose wedding it is.  An offer to be in a wedding is just an offer.  You can decline it.  I don’t think there are any “bonus points” for “sucking it up” and being miserable for a day.  Putting other people’s feelings before your own is necessary sometimes (I don’t think being in a bridal party is one of those times), but that’s also a great way to get burnt out and depressed.  It’s your life.  Live it how you want to.

As far as the concept of your wedding being the most important day of your life… eh, I don’t know if I agree.  Chances are, the bride and groom have been together for a few years.  If you have supported the relationship for the past few years, and you support their marriage into the future, how is seeing them say their vows that lifechanging?  Don’t get me wrong, I think weddings are important, and I am excited to say my vows in front of my family and friends who will help me to keep them.  However, I don’t think someone is terrible if for some reason they can’t attend and watch me do that, or they can’t stand a little closer to me.  

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Lavender28.
Post # 104
Member
2850 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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CHristine2809:  

The most important day of our lives is the day we are born. 

 

Post # 105
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

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PositiveThinking:  I understand some of the comments in this thread come off as rude, mine included. But, I think what everyone is missing the point of, you included, is that the OP asked “is it rude to decline being in a sibiling’s wedding”

So, because the bees don’t know the OP personally, or know her entire family background, I think a lot of the commenters (myself included) are responding based on their family situations, and how they would feel if that happened to them.

I don’t see it so much as a jab or judgement on the OP personally, I see it more so of people offering up advice or their feelings on the situation if this was their sister asking the same question.

As I told the OP, I’m glad you’re not my sister and declining my invitation to be my bridesmaid. In my case, it’d be my sister declining the position as Maid/Matron of Honor. I would be devastated, and yes I would think it’s selfish and rude. BUT, that’s if the OP was my sister, with my family relationships. And as I stated in my previous comment, I can understand based on her family’s actions toward her and her husband why she wants to decline the invite if it’s presented. So, I don’t fault her for feeling the way she does.

Like I said, I don’t think commentors are trying to attack the OP as a person, at least I’m not. I don’t know her, her family history, or dynamics. I’m merely answering the question if this was something I was dealing with.

I think that’s what happens a lot on the Bee. People ask a question, and it gets answered based on if it were happening to them personally. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer to any of this as none of this is happening to anyone but the OP. At the end of the day, the OP has to do whats best for her situation and her emotional state regardless of what a bunch of faceless posters say.

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