(Closed) Is it rude to decline being in a sibling's wedding?

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 106
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

i do think the answers in this post are a little harsh.  Honestly, I am considering asking my Future Sister-In-Law to be in the wedding party, if she can awesome, if she can’t for whatever reason, it is no big deal.  I know she loves us and I don’t think she is rude or selfish if she has other priorities.  On the topic of this post, I do not think it is rude to decline to be in a siblings wedding, however I prefer to not hurt others feelings, so if you could possibly be a bridesmaid, but be clear that due to financial issues you may not be extremely involved, I would do that in order yo keep the peace.  However, if they expect you to be super involved and spend a fortune when you are clearly not able to, the for them to be upset seems selfish on their part.  Yes, our wedding is a super important day, but expecting others to shell out money they do not have for my wedding is unfair, regardless of if they are family or not!

Post # 107
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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PositiveThinking:  She ASKED if people thought she was being rude. That was my response. If she didn’t want to hear people’s opinions she probably wouldn’t have posted this on the internet for everyone to see and weigh in on. 

Post # 108
Member
5995 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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ChicoryCreek:  “Flip the situation. Say you do get pregnant. How would you feel if your brothers Fiance skipped your baby shower and her reason was that she was too busy concentrating on her wedding?

She would look like an ass.”

I totally disagree. I would never expect anyone, not even my own sister or mother, to travel 6 hours for a baby shower.

I think a lot of posters are forgetting the mitigating factors here. It’s not like she lives in the same town. She’s 6 hours away and expects to be pregnant or with a newborn.

Post # 109
Member
2850 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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MissPhish:  

My guess is that the OP probably didn’t expect to be insulted and berated. 

Many Bees could have simply said she was being rude and explained why without taking shots at her.

Post # 110
Member
2850 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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OMGMrsW2B:  

If you didn’t mean to attack her as a person, you surely fooled me because it certainly appeared that you were being needlessly cruel. 

As I said before, one can say that someone else is rude without making nasty comments.

 

 

 

Post # 111
Member
2850 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’ve noticed that the OP hasn’t returned.

Hopefully she will be back but if not, I can certainly see why she would back away. 

 

Post # 112
Member
2070 posts
Buzzing bee

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newbeelove:  You may say that you’re not taking your completely messed up family dynamics out on your brother by declining to be his Bridesmaid or Best Man, but it sure sounds like you are. Okay, your mother favors your brother even though you’ve done everything for her and he has done nothing. And your family in general doesn’t seem to approve of your husband. What should that have to do with your relationship with your brother? You can still have a normal relationship with him if you let go of all the resentment you seem to harbor. I’m in no way saying resentment isn’t a normal reaction to your experience, but it is obviously keeping you from having a normal relationship with your sibling. I don’t think you should let that hold you back.

It’s not his fault that your mother acts the way she does or that the rest of your family acts the way they do just like it isn’t your fault that your mother or family act the way they do. The fault lies entirely with the people behaving inappropriately.

As far as to your original question, I would be extremely hurt if my brother declined the role of a Groomsmen and he would likewise be extremely hurt if I declined the role of a Bridesmaid or Best Man. My family would find it extremely rude if one of us were to decline in this situation.

I would encourage you to do it, because it seems like it would mean so much to your brother. Plus, during the whole process of being in the wedding party, you might make a new friend in your Future Sister-In-Law and get closer with your brother. If you were to accept, I’m sure you could make it known in what regard you are and aren’t able to participate.

If you’re dead-set against being a Bridesmaid or Best Man and your relationship with your brother is so damaged that you’re okay with potentially letting your relationship with your brother fall by the wayside, then I don’t think you should worry about any of this and, quite frankly, I would be unsure why you posed the question. 

If that’s not the case, why don’t you have a heart-to-heart with your brother and figure out what the best course of action to finding a compromise will be? Who knows, there might be a compromise that will still bring you closer together as siblings.

Post # 113
Member
13568 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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aussiemum1248:  Except the OP has already said she will be attending the wedding.  Literally  the only thing she has  to do as a Bridesmaid or Best Man is to  attend rehearsal and walk down the aisle in a dress.  And I’ve seen accomodations made for those who could not attend rehearsal for similar reasons. 

 I would  get a sense of the expectations first. 

 

Post # 114
Member
5995 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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weddingmaven:  In an ideal world, yes. But the reality is that often there are other expectations on the bridesmaids. In her very first post the OP said, “I won’t have the time or money to participate in bridal events”, which says to me that she thinks (or knows) there will be expectations to do more than show up in her dress.

I guess she could say, “I’ll be a bridesmaid but I’m not attending any pre-wedding events and won’t buy the dress until 4 months before the wedding”, but I suspect that will cause more drama than, “It’ll be too hard to be a bridesmaid because I live 6 hours away”.

Post # 115
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

OP i think its amazing you are going to the wedding at all.You cearly come from a not so great upbringing (i did too so know where you are coming from) and you dont seem close to your brother and family (not close to mine either) 

If you had posted a thread saying ”not close to my family due to very dysfunctional upbringing and also my family are extremely negative towards my husband but they want me to be a BM” you would have recieved upteen responses asking why you are even going!

Unfortunately for a lot of us,family is just a word with no real substance behind it.Just because they are blood,does not mean they have a god given right to be in our lives

For my wedding we are inviting those that are close to us as a couple or individually,which means the sister that doesnt bother to speak anymore and ignores my children (her nephews) wont be getting an invitation. Just because she is my only sister and blood,does not mean we are close and i do not want her sharing my special day just for appearances sake.

You have to do whats right for you OP

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