(Closed) Is it rude to tell my BM’s…?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I agree that they need to have a dress SOON, but why do they need it at the rehearsal?  It’s not a dress rehearsal – just a walk through rehearsal.  Can you have them send you the photo so you know what to expect?

Post # 4
Member
3121 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Angelz_love:  You need to give them a deadline…like NOW.

Post # 5
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Eh, there are always plenty of black dresses in shops, and most of them probably have something they could pull out of their closets if need be.  I’d leave it be and avoid any drama. They’ll come through.

Post # 6
Member
516 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I would ask them to have their dresses by June 9th, and ask them to send you a picture of the dress when they purchase it. June 9th gives you one week before the wedding. I wouldn’t cut it as close as the 13th.

Post # 7
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think you need to make it a threat.   And I don’t think they need to bring the dresses to the rehearsal dinner.

BUT – I think you can say “hey girls – we’re getting down to the wire here!  Can we aim to have all the dresses by X date?” 

If they show up the morning of your wedding without a dress, you say Ok, you’ll be sitting with the guests…  but I’m sure they’ll all show up in a dress.  Some people are just procrastinators, but in the case of an off the rack black dress, it can certainly wait until the weekend before without causing any harm. I think threatening to kick them out of the wedding would have a much greater potential for harm. 

Post # 8
Member
2239 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@mandypop:  I agree.  Don’t approach it in a threatening way.  The good thing about black dresses is they’re relatively easy to find and most women already own one.  

Post # 9
Member
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I would give them a deadline, but also, why can’t you just call them each personally and ask them what their dress progress is? I would do this before saying something like, “If you don’t have it by x date you won’t be able to stand with us at the wedding.” It could be that some of them do have dresses they are purchasing (just haven’t done so yet) and it could be that some of them are really not making any dress progress, and in that case you do have to be firm. It could be that you have some procrastinating bridesmaids who may purchase the dress on June 26, but will show up with it on the day ready to go (of course that can be really stressful for you unless you decide to just take their word for it and say, “Ok I trust you’ll have the dress by June 30” and that’s it). Unless I’m backtracking and you already have spoken to each of them personally and know they don’t have plans to buy the dress, I would do that first. 

Post # 11
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Angelz_love:  Hi Angelz, I can understand why this would be frustrating to you since I’m getting married in a couple months myself, but from the perspective of a previous Bridesmaid or Best Man I can understand their POV. A black dress is probably the easiest kind to find, and since there’s nothing they have to order in advance or even style guidelines, I’m assuming they think they either have something in their closet that’s ready to go but they haven’t double checked, or think they can find something in a jiffy right before the wedding. I don’t think they don’t care (otherwise they wouldn’t be your BMs), so maybe instead of threatening them (your wording might not be rude but it’s definitely threatening, and possibly will mess up your friendship) just tell them your concerns and ask them to definitely have it ready by a certain date in a week or two (the rehearsal might be too late if you have procrastinators).

I like submariner’s idea – you can ask them to send a picture by that date you set and say you’re coordinating something or other. That way you’ll have proof they have a dress, and you’ve given them a tangible deadline.  

Post # 12
Member
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@Angelz_love:  So talk to each of them personally and say something like what @mandypop: suggested about getting down to the wire and wanting to know what their plans are. You really should know what they’re going to wear by the rehearsal, especially since that’s the night before the wedding, right? However, that doesn’t necessarily mean they have to have it by tomorrow either. I agree that if they have freedoms with the black dress then they could get it the weekend before the wedding if they’re actively looking (if you’d be ok with cutting it that close, which I mentioned in my PP). I don’t think you should leave it to the rehearsal dinner to be told that they don’t have a dress or plan on wearing something that you said wouldn’t be the right color? 

If you approach it like this now and don’t wait until the rehearsal then you have the option of giving them the option of stepping down if it’s too much without you having to go into the “threatening” mode.

Post # 13
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Angelz_love:  no need to be nasty or passive aggressive about it – they can still help you get ready and do all the other bridesmaidy stuff with you, but if the time comes to walk down the aisle and they’re not in a black dress, you just very calmy and nicely ask them to have a seat.

Post # 15
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think requiring them to actually check in with you and physically show you the dress gives off the vibe that you don’t trust your friends.  Just shoot them a casual e-mail saying that you’re feeling a bit stressed that you haven’t heard of their dresses yet, and you hope they haven’t forgotten (they haven’t, I’m sure!).  I’ve never heard of a bridesmaid just forgetting the purchase their dress, they’ll come through.  And they can’t be daft enough to think that you’ll be okay with them standing up if they haven’t met your very leninent standards.  I think teling them that they must have the dress by X date sounds off-putting.  

Post # 16
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

How about making it fun?  What about inviting them all over the week before for drinks, appetizers, and a fashion show/getting to know one another party??

The topic ‘Is it rude to tell my BM’s…?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors