(Closed) Is it rude to thank guests for attendance? Poll

posted 4 years ago in Reception
  • poll: Is it rude to thank guests for coming?

    Yes, only send thank you cards to those that gave you gifts

    No, thank everyone in a card for attendance

  • Post # 46
    353 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2019

    I agree with 

    View original reply
    EllyAnne:  and 
    View original reply
    lolatheshowgirl:  in the UK gifts are only really given before or on the day. I’d never heard the year to give a gift rule until I was on weddingbee.

    I’m going to send cards to everyone for the following reasons:

    – I’d worry that it would seem as if I only cared about gifts if I only sent cards to people who gave a gift.

    – it can’t be gift grabby in the UK because of gift giving protocol here

    – I love receiving post (who doesn’t)

    I plan to do handwritten cards to everyone thanking them for attending (and a gift if applicable) and including a photo of them that was taken on the day. 

    I don’t know how anyone can be offended by a thank you card. 

    Post # 47
    9049 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    Well according to Australian wedding etiquette thank you cards are for all guests. I also find not sending one to someone who didn’t give you a gift as a passive agressive move.

    Post # 48
    316 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2018

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    Petals2002:  my cousin had 11 when I was younger. We have a giant family so she picked an age range and everyone in the age range was it! The dresses were terrible! 

    Post # 49
    316 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2018

    I’ll totally be sending Thankyou cards out to everyone, gift or no gift. I’ll also be sending a printed picture for everyone inside.

    Post # 50
    441 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    I don’t see how a thank you can ever be considered rude, unless you word it in a passive agressive way. I also understand that you wouldn’t necessarily send a thank you card for a dinner party, but there’s a lot of things you wouldn’t do for a dinner party that you would do for a wedding. And if I threw a big anniversary party or other celebration that required time and travel (but not necessarily gifts) I would definitely send thank you cards to the people who attended.

    For instance, we have friends and family who have to travel quite far in order to attend our wedding and I’ve been very clear that they shouldn’t give us a present (since they will already be spending a ton just to be there). I still plan on sending them a thank you card for taking the time out of their lives to travel to our wedding.

    Is it necessary? Probably not. But I just can’t really understand the mindset of a person who would pick up a thank you card and think that the sender was being rude.


    Post # 51
    1323 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply

    “The reception is the thank you” point of view is not right in my opinion. Those people went out of their way (physically, financially, emotionally) to support you on your special day, and anyone who thinks they wouldn’t rather have been sat at home in their PJs with a pizza and a bottle of wine rather than all dressed up and making awkward smalltalk with distant relatives of a friend and eating food that’s not of their choice is delusional. Those people are there for you and you should thank them for coming. I’ve happily gone to many weddings to support my friends and had a perfectly lovely time, but do I usually wish I was at home with no bra on? Hells yes. 

    We wrote thank you cards (a picture of the two of us with a thank – you sign) for everyone and personally thanked them for coming as well as for always being a good friend to one or both of us. Every card was from the heart and I don’t think anyone could possibly be “offended” by a card that said how nice it was to see them and how supportive they have always been, how lovely they looked and that we hope they had a nice time. Many people still have our cards up in their house, people who didn’t give us a gift included. 

    Post # 52
    286 posts
    Helper bee

    Whaaaat? This seems crazy to me! I don’t know if it’s being a UK bee, but I would think that sending thankyous only to guests who brought gifts would be the rude thing to do? I’d personally say send to all or send to none, but I am also apparently a heathen who doesn’t understand the finer nuances of wedding etiquette. 😉 

    Post # 53
    6906 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2016

    This is such a divisive topic on the Bee. Before coming here I thought you were supposed to send thank you cards to everyone, gift or no gift. But then I read all the posts about how that’s “rude” and “gift grabby.” I never understood how anyone could see a thank you card as being rude but whatever. I figured that was the way things were supposed to go so I planned to not send thank yous to any of my guests unless they have a gift (which no one did as it was a Destination Wedding and we really weren’t expecting any anyway).

    Well, since the wedding I’ve talked to several of my friends and it’s obvious they’re assuming I’ll be sending them thank you cards. So that’s what I’m doing: sending a thank you to everyone that attended our wedding. It’s what I wanted to do originally anyway. 

    Post # 54
    642 posts
    Busy bee

    After this thread I’m more convinced than ever that not sending a card to everyone could cause more side-eye.  Two reasons due to points that have been made – firstly, if a non-gift giver finds out that their gift-giver friend did get one, they could well think that in itself is snippy (“so I travelled 200 miles, paid for a hotel, bought a new outfit but that’s not enough to be thanked??”  I don’t buy into the “reception is the thanks” but more importantly I’m not sure many guests would get that they’d already been thanked with the reception)

    Secondly, that no-one ever got offended by receiving a card.  It’s nice to receive handwritten notes in this day and age.  You’re far more likely to offend by not sending one.

    Post # 55
    13017 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    Topics like this are good examples of how etiquette can smooth the way and prevent people from getting offended with one another. If someone is upset that you did the correct thing according to conventions that have been recognized and accepted for generations, then they are the ones who are are out of line.

    Protocol is that guests go home and thank their hosts, not the other way around. Would you thank people for coming to a dinner party at your house or are they supposed to call or write afterwards to thank you? 

    It’s always gracious to write or call to say what a beautiful wedding it was. 

    Of course, the effort someone made to attend can be recognized. The hosts have a responsibility to greet all guests at the reception, either by going around to tables, by having a receiving line or both. And when people come to say goodbye, you can thank them for coming. One also assumes these are people with whom you have an actual relationship, so it can easily be brought up.

    But for most guests, wedding thank you notes are meant to be for gifts. That’s the standard and has been for a very long time. People have already mentioned the few exceptions. 

    Post # 57
    1318 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    I can’t see how it would be rude (as long as your thank you note wasn’t pointing out the absence of a gift), but I also don’t see why these are necessary…except in the case of close friends or family who most likely were assisting in other ways and may not have also brought a gift.

    Post # 58
    2493 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    I gave cards to everyone. The only people who did not give gifts were my friends that traveling from out of state or out of country to attend, so I wrote them letters thanking them for joining us and how great of a time I had seeing them. A lot of them I don’t get to see very much anymore so it really was special. I don’t think any of them would see it as rude of me, I know they spent a lot of money to make it to my wedding and I just wanted them to know I appreciated it.

    Post # 59
    2098 posts
    Buzzing bee

    View original reply
    truthah:  That’s so funny I LOOOOOVE going to weddings. I would never think of it as a chore or something I didn’t do unless it was a weird wedding (no drinks/no food) or I didn’t like the couple. I hope nobody wanted to stay home on their couch instead of coming to mine! 

    Post # 60
    82 posts
    Worker bee

    View original reply
    justwondering2015:  I honestly think that would be someone’s guilty conscience talking if they got a  thank you card and automatically assumed it was a “fuck you, you didn’t get us a gift”

    I think that’s more on the ill-assuming guest rather than the bride and groom.

    OP – We can’t control other people’s thoughts. Some people will ALWAYS take things the wrong way because they are drama queens.  Just be kind all the time.  it will pay off.

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