Post # 1
Member
35 posts
Newbee
What’s happening, forum? Mr Spock and I are planning on getting engaged soon.
In other words we are having a ring made so Mr Spock has it around for when he wants to formally “ask” me – I use parentheses because Mr Spock and I are fairly modern people who don’t really bother so much about tradition: we actually want to decide to get married together instead of me having to wait around for Mr Spock to “pop the question”.
However, the reason I ask this is because my dad is a bit of a battle axe, for lack of better word and we don’t know how to approach the question of Mr Spock having to ask my dad for his blessing/my hand in marriage because we both think it’s incredibly outdated anyway. I do not come from a traditional family; my parents are generally pretty laid back, but I will see just how laid back they really are once Mr Spock and I do get engaged. Anyway, my dad and Mr Spock are two vastly different people and despite myself and Mr Spock having been together for almost ten years and owning a house together (which means everybody knows that an engagement is on the horizon), my father had always found it difficult to relate to Mr Spock. The reason for this is because Mr Spock is quite reserved and doesn’t talk much, an artist/graphic designer, musician and general nerd whereas my father is a man’s man – watches sports, drinks beer, loud and proud, hangs out in the pub a lot after work, that type thing. The two of them just don’t get along/relate to each other and Mr Spock and I living about an hour away from my parents make it especially difficult.
Mr Spock has expressed that he doesn’t see why he needs to ask my father’s permission to propose to me because one) he does not believe I belong to my father (which I do agree with completely) and two) it’s not my father’s decision anyway, but I do know that my father will be offended if Mr Spock does not ask for his blessing. My mother has given us her blessing several times over the past few years so I know she would not have a problem with this – but I don’t want to rope her in to test the waters because I don’t want to get her overly excited just yet – I genuinely want it to be a surprise for her.
I’m genuinely not sure how to go about this – is it still expected to ask the bride’s father for his blessing/his daughter’s hand or is that sexist and outdated? What did you guys do?
What is a hopefully soon-to-be engaged Lieutenant to do?
Post # 2
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
I think it depends on the couple. My Fiance asked my father, and I found it sweet. But if its not what you guys want then just skip it 🙂
Post # 3
Member
9076 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
I am not cattle to be given away by my father. My husband did not ask (he tried, though. My dad never answered his phone.)
Post # 4
Member
1578 posts
Bumble bee
lieutenantuhura: Just skip it. Don’t do something just to make other people happy if it doesn’t make you happy. You guys have been together for 10 years! I think your father knows it’s coming. And even if he gets upset about it, just tell him ‘This is our decision as a couple’
Post # 5
Member
1778 posts
Buzzing bee
My husband didn’t, my dad told me later he’d have kicked his ass if he had because it’s my decision only. But my dad is pretty quirky/funny like that.
In short, you don’t need to. If you truly think it’s important to your dad, have Mr. Spock just ask for blessings, not permission. Maybe some thing like… “I love your daughter and I can’t wait to spend my life with her. I hope we have your support of our marriage” hopefully someone else can word it better!
Post # 6
Member
2344 posts
Buzzing bee
I think that in the situation you describe it would be awkward for all concerned.
Post # 7
Member
3607 posts
Sugar bee
lieutenantuhura: It’s not required, although some people think it’s a “nice” thing to do. In my case, I specifically did not want my Fiance to ask my dad for my hand in marriage because I’m an adult and it’s up to me, not my dad, to decide who I marry and to give consent to the marriage. This custom apparently meant a lot to my mom, though, because she insisted my Fiance ask, so he did in order to avoid family drama.
If I were in your shoes and I had the option to skip it, I would.
Post # 8
Member
954 posts
Busy bee
I got engaged in July – I am 42 years old. I haven’t lived with my parents since a brief stint after college when I had a bad roommate situation in 1997. My Fiance did call my parents – it wasn’t to ask for my hand, but he basically said, I’m told, that he was going to propose and he told them when and filled them in on the details. I think it was a modern and appropriate twist on the tradition. I thought it was a nice touch.
Post # 9
Member
35 posts
Newbee
Hyperventilate: That’s exactly my point – I find it weird as hell in this day and age that it’s still expected to ask my dad’s permission :/
I know my dad would like it because he’s old fashioned, but Mr Spock doesn’t think it’s necessary – however, the resentment from my dad may ruin our entire engagement announcement for me, which I really don’t want :/
Post # 10
Member
13785 posts
Honey Beekeeper
I doubt Mr. Spock would think there is any logical purpose to it, especially in this day and age. If you are asking as an etiquette question, no it is not required. Asking for a blessing is an individual decision. It’s traditional in some families and faiths, and not in others.
Post # 11
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
I don’t like the idea of asking for permission, but I do like to think of it as a discussion between two people who care for and about me.
Post # 12
Member
1239 posts
Bumble bee
I made it clear to my Fiance before we got engaged that I didn’t want him to ask my parents for ‘permission,’ though I didn’t really have to because he knows me well enough that he never would consider doing it and my parents know me well enough to never expect to be asked!
Post # 13
Member
30 posts
Newbee
I’m in the “totally up to the couple” camp. My brother-in-law asked my dad before he proposed to my sister. She was glad. My Fiance knew that I would be annoyed if he asked my dad because I am not cattle that needs to be traded. He didn’t ask my dad and I was glad. Different strokes!
Post # 14
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: August 2015 - Southern Plantation House
It’s definitely not expected, but I do think the gesture is incredibly sweet and chivalrous. I also think that is more about asking for a blessing than permission. DH and I both come from traditional families and he insisted on asking for my father’s blessing before proposing to me. When we have children, I will raise my boys with the expectation that asking for the father’s blessing is the proper thing to do.
Post # 15
Member
10410 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
My Fiance didn’t ask my dad and I wouldn’t have been happy if he did.