(Closed) Is it still required to ask the father of the bride for the bride's hand?

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Is it still important to ask the father of the bride for his blessing?
    Yes! It's traditional and my fiancé/husband asked my father! : (29 votes)
    15 %
    Yes, but only as a courtesy - whether he asked or not wouldn't have made a difference. : (49 votes)
    26 %
    No! It's terribly outdated and a bit gross... : (78 votes)
    41 %
    No, we didn't think about it at all. : (32 votes)
    17 %
  • Post # 16
    Member
    299 posts
    Helper bee

    Required? No way. It’s outdated and actually pretty offensive, IMO. BUT, I’m really close with my parents and knew they would be hurt if my Fiance didn’t at least talk to them about it first, so he did. He really didn’t want to because my dad can be intimidating (he actually sounds a lot like your dad) but he knew it was best for their relationship in the long run. I don’t think my Fiance specifically asked for permission, but I know my dad would have been hurt if he had not been clued in.

    Post # 17
    Member
    1305 posts
    Bumble bee

    My Fiance asked my dad (and my mom because they were both at home I think when he went over now that I think about it) and my dad was very, very touched that he did. In no way was it expected nor would it have been any difference but my dad is traditional and he was super thrilled to be included in the whole thing.

     

     

    Post # 18
    Member
    102 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    My OH didn’t ask and I’m glad he didn’t because I’m firmly in the ‘i’m a person in my own right and not the property or chattel of the men in my life’ camp. My dad, thankfully, is a modern hippyish chap and isn’t bothered – he always said if a bloke asked his answer would be ‘you need to ask her’. 

    Post # 19
    Member
    2902 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    Out of my groups of friends, none of the guys asked for “permission”, but most did call the parents and let them know they were planning on proposing, like arquelle said.

    If my boyfriend were to ask my dad, he would side eye him and think it’s strange.

    Post # 20
    Member
    5082 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2017

    Your dad sounds like a pretty cool guy. 

    I think you should take him out to a bar, have some wings with him and casually bring it up. 

    Tell him that both of you talked about getting engaged soon and just straight out ask him if he wants your future hubby to ask your dad for his blessing.

    your dad might say “naw, you’re living together already! Hurry up and get married!!” Or he might surprise you and say that he would appreciate being asked first. Kind of an old fashioned respect thing. 

    Talk to him!

    Post # 23
    Member
    9526 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    It is outdated. Your SO can call and ask for a blessing instead of permission. It is always nice to bond. My father wanted to be asked and I protested. It is my life and why does he need a say in it? The now husband did call anyway and my father ignored it assuming it was a telemarketer.

    Post # 24
    Member
    55 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

    lieutenantuhura:  In my book, asking the Father for his blessing never goes out of style. Same with getting down on one knee.

    Post # 25
    Member
    30 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    greaselightning:  That is exactly the way my Fiance did it.  I am super close with my parents though.  Also, my Fiance and my Future Sister-In-Law lost their father at a younger age, so FSIL’s now husband asked Fiance for his blessing.

    I think it is a really nice gesture.  In that, we intend to join families, and I would like you to know and we are excited etc. 

    Post # 26
    Member
    2655 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2016

    Agree with PP – I think it depends on the couple. I have never been a fan of the whole “asking for permission/blessing” thing, as I don’t like to be made to feel like an object that my dad or my Fiance owns and I don’t think it’s up to my parents who I marry. My Fiance knows this and didn’t speak to my dad before proposing (he also thought that my dad’s reaction would’ve been to laugh and say that I’ll marry who I want when I want, its not up to him – dad actually agreed that this would’ve been along the lines of his response).

    Post # 28
    Member
    672 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2016

    lieutenantuhura:  If you know your father will be offended if Mr. Spock doesn’t ask permission, why not just do the nice thing and have Fiance ask? What’s it hurting you?

    Your situation is similar to mine. Fiance and I decided together to get engaged and I designed my own engagement ring. So there was zero surprise or tradition. At first we were going to skip the “ask for the father’s permission” thing because we are not really into that and I too do not “belong to my father.” However, even though my parents had said in the past that it wasn’t necessary, I know that my parents do carry a lot of old school traditional values and that deep down, my dad would really appreciate my Fiance asking for my hand. At it’s core, it’s meant to honor and respect your dad’s place in your life as the “number one man.” Now that position will be officially taken from him by your soon-to-be husband. It doesn’t mean he’s selling you to Mr. Spock or something crazy archaic! I might be old-fashioned, but that’s the generation our parents grew up in and they still hold fast to some of that stuff…it doesn’t hurt us youngins to give in to them a little and just appease them.

    I really think you should make your father happy and just have Mr. Spock ask…it’s something you can’t take it back if you don’t do it and might end up being a sore spot or regret. Good luck, bee!

    Post # 29
    Member
    3442 posts
    Sugar bee

    I think it is terribly outdated and gross BUT because my older sister’s husband asked, I felt my husband should ask, especially because he’d only met my dad 2 times before he proposed.  Admittedly, he proposed and then the next day he called my dad to ask for permission while I was sitting next to him on the sofa. Totally a formality.  And a dumb one, at that.

    Post # 30
    Member
    299 posts
    Helper bee

    lieutenantuhura:  My Fiance really didn’t want to ask, either. He begged me to let him off the hook. But I told him my dad would have a fit if he didn’t and my mom agreed with me. My dad is laid back but old-fashioned just like your dad. He definitely feels strongly about things. I knew he would hold a grudge with my Fiance for life if he didn’t have the talk, as silly as that sounds.

    I actually talked to my mom while my ring was being made and had her grease the wheels a bit with my dad. This way he expected the talk from my Fiance, but he still got his way and got to give his “blessing,” I guess.

    I won’t sugarcoat it, my Fiance still cringes when he thinks about how the conversation went. My dad likes him and they get along pretty well, but my dad was pretty blunt in laying out his expectations for my Fiance as a husband. Ultimately he said that I am an adult so we don’t need permission, but he would give his blessing so long as my Fiance promised to be the type of husband my dad was discussing. My Fiance was just glad that he chose to do it when he was dropping my dad off at the airport (20 min away) so there was a finite time limit for the uncomfortable talk!

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