(Closed) Is it still required to ask the father of the bride for the bride's hand?

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Is it still important to ask the father of the bride for his blessing?
    Yes! It's traditional and my fiancé/husband asked my father! : (29 votes)
    15 %
    Yes, but only as a courtesy - whether he asked or not wouldn't have made a difference. : (49 votes)
    26 %
    No! It's terribly outdated and a bit gross... : (78 votes)
    41 %
    No, we didn't think about it at all. : (32 votes)
    17 %
  • Post # 76
    Member
    1002 posts
    Bumble bee

    If someone asked my dad or mom for permission to marry me, or asked them for their blessing, I would probably refuse their proposal.  To me, this would be an indicator that we are not on the same page when it comes to core values.

    That is how strongly I feel about this.

    Post # 77
    Member
    348 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2017 - Combermere Abbey

    Rather than ask my dad for permission (because I am an adult, and my dad has no say whether I choose to get engaged or not) I told my SO to just kindly ask if he may be welcomed into the family as their new son in law. Therefore it’s less about me, but more about SO and his relationship with my family. 

    Post # 78
    Member
    9 posts
    Newbee

    My fiance did not ask either of my parents, and I would have seriously reconsidered getting engaged to him if he did. 

    Post # 79
    Member
    41 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: July 2016

    It really depends on how close you are with your dad. If you are very close then out of respect for him I would say yes. I am very close with my dad and my fiance asked him before he asked me. I dn’t think my dad would be okay with it if he hadn’t specially considering I was only 21 when i got engaged. i think that asking the bride’s father shows that the future groom really respects him and that is why I stand by the tradition. 

    Post # 80
    Member
    564 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    I agree that it’s an outdated and not particularly feminist tradition.  It rubs me the wrong way a bit.  BUT, I knew it meant a lot to my dad.  Weddings are about families coming together and my Fiance becoming a member of my family, and there are things you have to do to facilitate that.  And I know from my sister’s wedding a few years ago that there are a lot of heightened emotions surrounding legally “turning over” your kid to another person (sounds ridiculous once you’re an adult, but it’s a big step to no longer be next of kin, etc., and yes, that can apply to both sons and daughters).  Since my brother in law asked, I didn’t want my Fiance to get off on the wrong foot by not asking.  My dad would never have said no anyway so it was a tradition without a ton of impact except making my parents happy.  Of course I didn’t actually tell my Fiance to ask.  But he knew my bro in law did and that he should too.

    That said, it’s your marriage and life, so it’s ultimately up to you (or at least, to your FI).  You both have to be comfortable with it, and if it’s going to give you the heebie jeebies, don’t do it.  He could always ask for a blessing instead of actual permission, to ease the possessive aspect of it.

    Funny side note – my dad does not hang out with my Fiance alone – not because they don’t like each other.  It just hasn’t come up.  When my Fiance asked to grab coffee with him before work (the only way he could find to get him alone without raising alarm bells with me) my dad had NO idea why.  His coworkers even told him it was to ask for my hand, and my dad was like “nah.”  It should have been so obvious.  My dad’s funny.

    Post # 81
    Member
    264 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    I think it’s sweet for him to do it out of respect.  It may not be a big deal to you, but no matter how old you are, your dad sees you as his little girl.  In his mind, He’s been the #1 man in your life for a very long time.  It would be nice of Mr. Spock to get his blessing and reassure him that he plans to be good to you.   No harm, no foul.

    PS- this is my second marriage & my fiance still asked.  When I got divorced, my dad was the first man to come in my home. Changed the locks, did repairs, landscaped the yard and always let me know he would take care of me if I needed the help. He took the “man in my life” role very seriously, and was honored to have my Fiance ask him to hand me off. If your dad is anything like mine, he’d love that show of honor and respect.  It’s not about his permission, just assuring him his baby girl is in good hands and that Mr. Spock has good intentions.

    Post # 82
    Member
    1119 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2017

    I told my fiance that I wanted him to ask both my parents. He did and I’m glad it is outdated but I is still a nice gesture. 

    Post # 83
    Member
    1272 posts
    Bumble bee

    I like to think of it as more of a gesture of respect, not of ownership (like it used to be). I am surprised by how many people get bent out of shape by it, though. Especially if the woman is younger (18-22), I could see the Father feeling protective and appreciating a young man who respectfully asked for his blessing (whether or not it was necessary). I think it is a nice way to involve the parents and build good relationships with them.

    My SO asked me what I would like and I told him that while it wasn’t necessary to ask Dad’s blessing, both Dad and I would appreciate the gesture.

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