(Closed) Is it tacky to ask for an heirloom ring from a family member?

posted 6 years ago in Rings
  • poll: Is it tacky to ask for an heirloom ring?
    absolutely. the giver should volunteer for the ring to be used. Neither OP or SO should ever ask. : (31 votes)
    28 %
    yes, especially if the ring is from a failed marriage : (2 votes)
    2 %
    no, if gently discussed between the mom and OP : (58 votes)
    52 %
    no. SO should mention OP's desire for the ring when asking mom for the daughter's hand in marriage : (5 votes)
    4 %
    no, there's no harm in either OP or SO asking : (15 votes)
    13 %
    other : (1 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1755 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @Wrenny:  I think you’re right in the idea of having a gentle conversation with your mom.  It may be she’d never thought of it.  She may or may not be receptive, but I think it’s reasonable to ask.

    Post # 4
    Member
    732 posts
    Busy bee

    Since your mom is YOUR blood relative, I don’t think it is tacky at all. I also wear an heirloom diamond from my FI’s grandma’s failed marriage, and I never think twice about it. I’m not superstitious.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1370 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    It’s totally reasonable to ask! Especially because your brother already wears your father’s ring. Not weird at all, IMO. If your mom is already considering selling them, it won’t hurt to ask!

    Post # 6
    Member
    181 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I don’t think it’s tacky, but if you’re really worried about it…I would have your SO bring it up to her, subtly mention that you’ve always had a lot of sentimental feelings towards the set. I hope you get what you want!

    Post # 7
    Member
    11422 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    When I saw the title of this post, I was fully prepared to say that that there is absolutely no polite way in which someone could request to have an heirloom ring that is in the possession of someone else.

    However, after reading your post, I think that it would be acceptable for you to have a very no-pressure discussion with your mother regarding her thoughts about this potential idea. I would be very careful to say that you’re not asking to have the ring, only expressing the fact that, for sentimental reasons, you have some interest in it and you just wanted to see how she feels about that idea. You could quickly follow that statement with another that indicates your SO is prepared to purchase a new ring for you but that, before he does that, you just wanted to explore this as a potential option because of the extreme sentimental value that the rings hold for you.

    Obviously, if your mother shows any hesitation at all, I would quickly drop the subject and plan on taking another direction.

    Post # 8
    Member
    7673 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    First question: I assume you have no sisters? Because if you do, any conversation needs to include them.

    Since she doesn’t wear them, I think it’s ok to bring up gently. (If she still wore them it would be most inappropriate to ask!) However you should think of your sibling(s) here. And if it’s just your brother, there might need to be an understanding that he gets some other heriloom, because generally a woman’s set is way more valuable than a man’s wedding ring. But yeah, passing them on (now) is better than them gathering dust.

    I don’t think SO should have the conversation. It’s not his mom.

    Post # 9
    Member
    1902 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Normally, I don’t think someone should ask another person for an engagement ring (it’d be like telling them what to get you for Christmas). As your mum doesn’t wear this ring herself, and is actually considering getting rid of it, I think there’s nothing wrong with asking her whether she would feel comfortable with you wearing it.

    Post # 10
    Member
    3400 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I could see why it’d be considred tacky in some senario’s (like from a dying grandmother, if you aren’t close to her and it’s a huge rock or something), but in this instance, particularly because your mom has even thought of selling the set, I think you;d be completely within reason to ask her.

    I don’t think it’d be tacky for either you are your SO to ask, but it might be better coming from you so that she knows where your opinion is coming from, and doesn’t take it as your SO trying to save money or something crazy like that.

    Post # 11
    Member
    569 posts
    Busy bee

    @Wrenny: I don’t see how etiquette has any thing to do with it. she’s your MOTHER…. she has no use for them… just ask her i say!

    Post # 12
    Member
    508 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Do it!  MY Fiance proposed to me with the engagement ring that my dad proposed to my mom with (they were also divorced).  After losing my mom it means a lot to have it as mine 🙂

    Post # 13
    Member
    663 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I say ask her. I saved my engagement and wedding band from my first marriage for my daughter. It’s super plain, a small (.31 carat) solitaire and a plain yellow gold band so I’m just going to give it to her and she can decide if she wants to wear them or use them towards another set when the time comes. Good luck!

    Post # 14
    Member
    4352 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @Brielle:  and @paula1248:  +1

    I think its ok for you to aks your mom about the ring. If she seems upset about the idea I would drop the topic. I would also try to minimize pressure by saying your SO is prepared to purchase another ring if she isn’t comfortable giving you her set. If you have any sisters (I would also include unmarried brothers) I would consider them as well since there probably isn’t a comparable heirloom your mom could give them.

    Post # 15
    Member
    353 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Not tacky it all – its your mom, just don’t approach it acting like she “should” say yes – because you never know if she has some strong feelings about it.  Just bring it up at an appropriate time and have a conversation about it.

    Post # 16
    Member
    1241 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Since it is your mother and not a distant relative, I think it is fine to ask your mom.  I’d probably drop hints at wanting it to gauge her reaction, then tell her you’d love it.  Then when SO asks permission, have him ask her officially if he can use it.  I think it is a sweet and sentimental gesture.

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