(Closed) Is it that awful to sleep separately?

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 47
Member
5708 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

You have gotten a lot of good advice and personal accounts. Just to add my two cents, I say if everything else is good in your relationship, I don’t see what the issue is wanting a good night’s sleep. I think that you guys wouldn’t have to sacrafice sleeping together if you both can find a comfortable remedy for his snoring.

Post # 48
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Nothing wrong with that!  My Dad snores like a mad man and I really don’t know how my Mom has managed to tolerate it all these years.  When I was a kid my bedroom was across the hall from theirs and I could hear him snoring from my room, with both doors closed.  Not sure how that woman has ever gotten a good night’s sleep but who knows, maybe she’s used to it by now.  

If my husband snored like that I would probably consider separate bedrooms because sleep is just too important.  We’ve joked about each getting our own twin bed so he’s no longer kept awake by my thrashing and blanket stealing. 

Post # 49
Member
4066 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

Does you husband have sleep apnea?  Mine does.  He HAS to wear a CPAP machine.  It may be uncomfy, but sleep apnea not treated weakens the heart and will lead to a heart attack.  I would really make sure that his snoring is *just snoring*.  

That aside, I do not think there is anything wrong with sleeping apart, if you are both okay with it.  Some nights it is musical beds in my house with 2 kids, lol.  As long as everyone gets some sleep I say.  I sometimes have 2 kids in my bed, and 1-3 dogs, lol.  That leaves little room for DH.  SO on those nights, he gets squished and moved to another bed.  BUT, we always make sure we have some cuddle/whisper time together when the kds are asleep, before we pass out.  Maybe you could do somethint like that?  I want to sleep only with my DH again, but kids are only little once, so I don’t worry too much about it.

Post # 50
Member
1286 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@Aquaria: Yes, another discussion would be in order – find out what exactly he misses about sleeping together in the same bed and why he thinks not doing so may affect your marriage. I’m sure you guys can come up with alternate solutions. My Fiance is a chronic snorer too but we figured that he usually only snores when he sleeps on his back. So if I’m still awake and he starts snoring, I roll him to the side and we go to sleep spooning. Hehe.

Post # 51
Member
1451 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

DH and I like to sleep separate sometimes when we get two beds in a hotel room.  But that is it.  Neither of us snore. Sometimes he talks and wakes me up but I laugh and fall back to sleep.  I dont think I could do separate rooms all the time.  I would feel so lonely and unloved.  Maybe that is what he is feeling. :/

Post # 52
Member
496 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

i don’t think its bad to sleep in separate beds. Fiance and i have this conversation often because he snores and i can’t sleep with much noise and so i end up losing a lot of sleep. i don’t want to have to have separate beds but he does because we both agree that sleep is important. i can understand it bothers him that you’re not sleeping in the same bed but unless he will help his snoring, what other options do you have? i suggest sitting him down having another conversation about it and working it out. good luck.

Post # 53
Member
2831 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

My husband snores, loudly some nights (usually when he’s sick or stuffy).  Those nights I wear earplugs.  When it’s not loud it doesn’t bother me, it’s comforting in a way, I’m used to it I guess. 

Post # 54
Member
8066 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t see a problem with it if you’re both on board.  It sounds like he’s not though, but he needs to be willing to fix the problem.

I’m so glad DH doesn’t snore…I don’t think I could have married someone who snores really loudly.  I am a light sleeper!  So I can understand why you’d want to sleep alone.  A few times a week DH will end up sleeping somewhere else because he says I kick him.

My aunt and uncle sleep in separate beds and have for decades because they get better sleep that way.  I don’t know anything about their relationship, but they seem to be doing fine.

Post # 55
Member
2449 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Aquaria:  I would want to at least explore other options to remedy the snoring before I went to seaparate rooms, especially if one of us was not happy about the arrangement.

My uncle has sleep-apnea, which makes him snore loudly.  He wears a machine– yes, it took some time getting used to, but my aunt and uncle still sleep in the same bed and always have.

 

Your husband, especially being that he is the one who is upset about not sleeping in the same bed, should offer to at least explore the options that are available to him- so that you can share a bed.  Another option- which might sound crazy…..but it would be worth at least contemplating……I have a gf who’s husband snored terribly.  He did try everything the DR’s offered to stop the snoring, and nothing seemed to truly work for him.  My friend ended using a sleep aid- which allowed her to sleep in the same bed as her husband.  She was not dependant on them– they are in the middle of a divorce now and she longer takes sleeping aids.

I know this isn’t an option that will work for everyone, but I though I’d throw it out there since it worked for someone.

 

 

While sleeping in separate beds might work for some couples, I can see how it might not work for others.  I imagine being intimate is a little different than if you slept in the same bed.  And intimacy is important in any relationship.

Even thought you’re comfortable with the current arrangement, I’d hope you’d be willing to at least explore + exhaust all options before you just decide you’re never sharing a bed with your husband again.

Post # 56
Member
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Well, one of my clients keeps a little plastic container with foam earplugs on her bedside table. Her husband snores and they want to be able to sleep together. Personally, I would not want to sleep without my husband at all. I have been very sick for 2 weeks and slept on the couch for 1 week because I couldn’t control my coughing. It was incredibly lonely not having him next to me. We both hated it. You really should explore your options before going as drastic as sleeping in a separate room.

Post # 57
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

DH needs to go for a sleep study. I will not be at all suprised if he has sleep apnea. As a short term solution may I recommend earplugs. Not just foam/buy at the drugstore earplugs though. i have $150 custom made earplugs from an audiologist. They inject your ear with foam/gel stuff and remove it when it hardens to make a mold specifically for you.  My earplugs took about 2 weeks to be made, but it they make the difference for me between sleeping and crying in frustration. I am actually in the process of getting a second pair made, because if I ever misplace them I will be beside myself.

Post # 58
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

If the snoring is the issue for you and he is the one who is really wanting to share a bed, I say let him get a stop-snoring appliance! If he is okay with being uncomfortable until he gets used to it in order to get you to sleep in the bed then that kind of solves the problem all around it seems, unless there is a bigger issue than snoring for you not wanting to sleep in the bed.

There are also other ways to ‘fix’ the snoring such as laser therapy!

Post # 59
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i know a couple who sleeps separately.  they are older, kids are out of the house.  one is a morning person and the other is a night person.

we were recently out with another couple (friends of ours), who married just over a year.  he works long hours and doesn’t want to go to bed until midnight or later and she wants to go to sleep early.  she said the tv bothers her if he stays up to watch.  she asked me if i thought it strange and i told her no.  as long as you have enough sex and everyone is happy, how you sleep is up to you.

 

Post # 60
Member
848 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I understand your point of view, I really do. My husband doesn’t snore every night, but when he does, I just want to kick him off the bed and I resent him for disturbing my sleep.

But, right now we are in separate rooms because of our new baby and I really feel that it’s hard on our relationship. I miss cuddling at night and waking up next to him. We still have a good sexlife (as good as it can get with a toddler and a newborn in the house, that is), but I miss the intimacy that sharing our bed brings.

When we were in the same room, I had DH use BreatheRight, it helped a lot with his snoring. So we both had a good night and could share our bed. I dunno, I guess you just have to find a solution that works for both of you.

Post # 61
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@Aquaria:  My mom sometimes leaves and sleeps in my room (I don’t live there anymore obviously). She used to have her own bedroom for when my dad snored. My grandparents have had separate bedrooms for years, for the same reason – snoring. My parents and grandparents both have perfectly normal marriages. Your husband needs to consider your own needs too – i.e. needing to sleep every night!

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