Is it time to cut my MIL from my life to save my mental health?

posted 10 months ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
4098 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Your partner needs to set boundaries with his mother. Period. This is  becoming more of a him problem than a her problem. Yes she’s obviously needy and passive aggressive,  but he’s allowing it by treating it as if it’s a non issue. Mentioning something to her occasionally isn’t enough. He has to put his foot down. I wouldn’t be with someone who let their parents walk all over them and talk poorly of me because I wouldn’t be able to respect them after that. He is only putting you in the place of having to be the bad guy, and that isn’t fair to you.

Post # 3
Member
14142 posts
Honey Beekeeper

The good news is she’s not your mother-in-law at all, at least not yet. Before you get married, I think you need to address the issues you have with your fiance, who is giving lip service to supporting you but not doing or saying nearly enough in the situation you describe.  It doesn’t sound as if he’s cutting her out so I don’t see how you think that’s going to work. 

Post # 4
Member
2924 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Your fiance is failing you here. He sees you suffering so much but is tiptoeing around his mom because…she’s lonely? Yeah, sorry no. He needs to get very comfortable with being your protector from his mother’s bullshit.

A different piece of advice – it’s her son’s job to set up celebrations for her. Mother’s Day, her birthday, whatever. Just because you feel those days require more than a text from one’s child, it’s not your job to make it happen. Read up on emotional labor before you find yourself saddled with ALL of that work. 

Post # 5
Member
4684 posts
Honey bee

You have a fiance problem. He needs to deal with her, which includes setting boundaries. I would not marry him until he has shown he can do so for at least a year. Otherwise, she is going to be all up in your business and causing problems for the rest of your lives.

Post # 6
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

It’s easy to blame your fiance but you have created poor boundaries with her. You have a 5-year relationship with her. And it seems you have created this monster.

She undercuts you and makes snide remarks and is prying yet you continue to give her information.

This woman is not your mother. It’s not your job to do anything for her for Mother’s Day or her birthday. Her son, your fiance, is a grown adult man, and if he wants to text his mom and call it a day that is his business.

The whole Christmas situation was a fiasco because you let it be. Christmas should have been you both inviting her to Christmas dinner at X time on Christmas Day, and that’s it! Instead, you messaged her telling her when you had off work and asking what she had off and shared all your plans with your friends and parents and father-in-law and explanations for everything and how you weren’t leaving him by himself. That’s none of her business and WAY over-sharing! She says she is spending Christmas with her sister and not to worry about her and instead of saying, that sounds lovely have a great time, you re-invite her to Christmas dinner. Why? When she says she is spending Christmas with her sister don’t re-invite her to Christmas dinner… Then she accused you of treating her like crap and a bunch of nonsense and instead of putting your foot down and having some sort of boundaries she gets exactly what she wants! She spends Christmas with you all and even though you have no room she stays two nights and sleeps on your couch… The boundary issue is you!! Stop bending over backward for her and being so accommodating. Say no and stop oversharing!

Decide what she is invited to and what you would like to include her in and only share that with her.

I don’t think you need to cut her off. You need to change the relationship dynamic and stop letting her dictate everything. “She also is very controlling and tries to change our plans to involve her with everything.” Stop telling her your plans! She can’t control or be involved in things she knows nothing about! “Hey Karen, Christmas dinner is at 3, we would love to see you.” That’s it!!!!!!

Details and explanations give her power. Can I spend two nights with you? No. No is a complete sentence. No, Ken is staying with us, may also work. But the second you go in to explanations like, we don’t have space. She goes in to, but I can sleep on the couch, she can reason her way in and manipulate the situation, and while you could still say no. It seems you aren’t good at it.

Don’t let her know about things she is not invited to and stop giving her unnecessary details, reasons and explenations.

As far as getting married, tell her the date and time and give her an invitation to the events she is included in and keep the rest to yourself. When she asks questions just say, I haven’t decided yet.

Post # 7
Member
1578 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
@elodie2019:   ALL OF THIS!   Why are you jumping straight to cutting her off instead of just standing up for yourself?  

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